


Damaged

by yikesmontana



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Schizophrenia, Torture, be careful this is a trigger goldmine friends, depression i guess, drug mention, gangs?, hide is an angel, kaneki is damaged, p much every possible trigger warning, psychiatric hospital setting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-05-21 09:45:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 44,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6047005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikesmontana/pseuds/yikesmontana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How could Hide possibly fix him? Kaneki was damaged beyond repair, broken from the day he was born. </p><p>Hide didn't think there was anything to fix.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> major trigger warning for this, it's just really dark!!! 
> 
> I also wanna continue this I think,,, but im like,, bad so  
> P.S I know that schizophrenia is NOTHING like this, I just made him see it this way for dramatic effect y'know

Kaneki Ken knew he was screwed up.

He first realized that he wasn’t exactly normal when he was seven. All the other kids had no problem making friends. All the other kids didn't have trouble breathing when they were spoken too. 

All the other kids didn't worry about the shadows watching.

Kaneki saw them everywhere– looming around him, slithering around in the corners of the room, poised to strike. He worried that around every corner the Bad Men would be waiting, ready to take him away and kill his Mother. 

Kaneki never said anything though.

"You can't tell anyone about the Bad Men, Kaneki. If you do they'll take you away. You don't want the monsters to get you now, do you?" she would tell him. So Kaneki kept his mouth shut, even when he sat in the corner of his room at night and could feel the shadows curl around his neck and choke him; their oily tendrils slipping into his mouth and filling his lungs so much that he couldn't breathe. 

But he couldn't bother Mother. Mother was very busy.

When the Bad Men would come over, Kaneki's Mother would send him to his room. He'd cover his ears and pretend not to be there. He'd imagine that him and his Mother would go on a trip to an island, where there was no Bad Men or work or "private time." His Mother would play with him and cook him meals and they'd be happy. 

When Kaneki's Mother died he didn't know what happened. 

The Bad Men were over and Kaneki was in his room, per usual. 

He waited. 

He heard their voices rising and paid it no mind, they yelled a lot. Sometimes the yelling would quiet down to just grunts and when Kaneki's Mother would wearily yell at him to come outside, she would be crying, her clothes wrinkled and messy. 

That time was different though. Kaneki heard nothing but screaming, yelling, cursing, then–

_ Bang _ .

The shot reverberated through his chest and Kaneki was out of his room in an instant (even though Mother would certainly punish him for it  _ again _ ), only to find her on the floor. She was bleeding heavily, a pool of red blossoming around her.

"Kaneki," she gasped out, "help me. Go get the phone. Call 911."

But Kaneki was frozen. 

His Mother was wheezing, her hand pressed to her stomach.

"Useless child! Go! Call 911, now! C-Can't you do  _ anything _ ?!" she screamed and Kaneki scrambled for the phone. 

When he got back to the living room, his Mother was still.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"... She's sleeping."

 

Kaneki got to live with his Aunt after that. 

He missed his Mother. 

The shadows choked him almost every night. 

The Bad Men were around a lot more often with his Aunt. They would show up randomly and hit her. 

Sometimes they'd hit Kaneki too. 

He started to listen in on their conversations as he got older. 

He picked up bits and pieces, stuff about money and "angel dust".

By age fourteen he realized what his Mother and Aunt were caught up in. 

The shadows would whisper things to him. They would tell him that it was all his fault. After all, his Mother could still still be alive. He wouldn't have been in this position then. He wouldn't have had to endure the Bad Men. 

He wouldn't have ended up in the situation that began his downfall. 

He was twenty-one and it was November. The Bad Men, which he now knew were an infamous drug-dealing gang called Aogiri, were visiting his house. Kaneki had managed to avoid getting roped into his Aunt's dirty drama for the most part, and had gotten quite skilled at staying out of her business. 

This time though, there was gunfire. And screaming. A feeling of  déjà vu washed over him, making the blood drain from his face.

Nonetheless, Kaneki ran out of his room only to find his cousin with a bullet hole in his head. The familiar men were there with the leader holding his Aunt up by the neck. 

"Well," he cooed, "if it isn't the foster child. What perfect timing."

"Nice try," his Aunt snorted, "but I don't care about that worthless kid." 

The man gave a laugh.

"That's not what I wanted him for."

Then the man snapped his Aunt's neck and Kaneki was taken.

All his memories after that were a blur; a constant cycle of pain, hunger, pain, hunger, weariness, repeat, repeat, repeat. He remembered blades poking into his skin and dragging through his flesh, he remembered trying to escape, he remembered hands pinning him to the cold floor and tugging off his clothes and touching him–

"Mr. Kaneki," the officer spoke gently, "can you tell us what happened to your Aunt?"

_ Don't, _ an unfamiliar voice hissed. He looked up to see that it was a girl, tall and elegant, with flowing purple hair and red-framed glasses.  _ Lie. Don't tell them. Aogiri will kill you, Kaneki. _

"I'm not sure," Kaneki spoke softly, looking back towards the officer. At that moment Kaneki wished that he could sink into his hospital bed and never resurface.

It occurred to him, after that thought, that he just wanted to die. 

"Do you remember anything about what happened before they took you? They had you for three weeks, you know. Did you see anything that you could tell us about? Do you know why they killed your Aunt?"

_ It was your fault again. You're twenty-one and still useless. You could have saved her. So what if she hit you? You deserved it. You're so selfish for letting them take you. You don't remember me, do you, Kaneki? How pathetic.  _

"Maybe if you could tell us who took you or how you escaped?" the officer probed. Kaneki was shaking, his eyes refusing to focus. 

_They're going to think you're crazy. You_ **are** _crazy. You don't even remember what happened._

"Shut up," Kaneki whispered, cutting off whatever the officer was saying. "Shut up, shut up, stop it!" He threw his hands over his ears, trying to block out all the noise and fight back the tears forming in his eyes.

"Please, stop, stop,  _ stop _ !" he wailed, thrashing in the hospital bed. The officer was standing up and walking towards him cautiously, as if he was some dangerous animal.

Kaneki didn't remember what happened next.

He was forgetting things a lot lately. 

He did know that they diagnosed him with Schizophrenia and PTSD. He did know that he was being brought to an insane asylum.

"It's not an insane asylum," his doctor would scold him, "it's a psychiatric hospital."

It was an insane asylum.

Kaneki didn't know how much they really knew about his situation. He couldn't recall what he had told them or if they understood any of it. He didn't want them to know though. He didn't want to bother them with his issues. 

That's what his Mother would have wanted.

"Don't be so selfish, Kaneki," she would snap, "burdening me with your problems when I'm trying to keep food on the table." 

His face would hurt later that night. 

But none of that mattered now. 

He was in the backseat of a white van, his knee bouncing as he watched the familiar townhouses fly by. 

Kaneki grew more and more anxious as they neared the "psychiatric hospital". The shadows were swirling around him, whispering things. Kaneki squeezed his eyes shut.

"You're not real," he uttered out in a whisper. They only laughed at him. 

"Mr. Kaneki, we're here," the chauffeur told him. Kaneki managed a weak smile, trying his best to ignore the ache brewing in his head. 

The chauffeur helped him into a wheelchair since his legs were still too weak to support him. He had lost a lot of weight thanks to the starvation, torture, and the infections from the countless wounds that Jason had put on him, not to mention the lack of sleep. It was no wonder Kaneki was unable to support his own weight.

He still didn't know how he escaped.

"Are you ready?" 

"No," Kaneki muttered out, voice hoarse. The chauffeur laughed lightly. 

"Life will be better for you here, trust me," he said softly. Kaneki winced. 

He didn't want to live anymore. 

 

Hideyoshi Nagachicka was sat at his desk reading over the newest file he had been given. He had been expecting another normal file; a new patient with something like depression or bipolar disorder. 

He wasn't expecting to cry.

When Amon opened the door to his office he looked surprised, that is until he saw what file he was reading.

"Yeah, Mr. Kaneki's going to be here any minute. I was coming to make sure that you could handle him," Amon said softly. Hide wiped his face quickly, nodding. 

"Did... Did this all actually happen?" Hide asked wearily. Amon nodded with a grimace.

"That's all they were able to get out of him at least," he sighed. "They haven't found much out about his past. All they know is that some people killed his remaining family and then took him for roughly three weeks." Hide rubbed his eyes again, the multiple notes in the file making his head spin. 

_ Multiple slash and stab wounds, infected.  _

_ Dehydration/starvation. _

_ All known family deceased.  _

_ Signs of Schizophrenia and possible depression.  _

_ Severe PTSD. _

"God, this is... This is so unlike anything we've ever gotten before, and we've had our fair share of tragedy," Hide growled. Amon's phone chimed suddenly. 

"They're here."

 

Kaneki's first thought was that it was quiet. 

He didn't know what he was expecting. Wild patients laughing maniacally and scratching at the walls maybe. But it was calm. There was a few patients sitting at a table and playing a card game, all of them dressed in the same white scrubs as Kaneki. A few more were crowded around a small T.V., and one young girl sat in the corner reading a novel. 

His second thought was, ' _ I want to go home. _ ' 

His third thought was cut short by his fourth thought. 

His fourth thought being ' _ wow, that doctor is hot. _ ' 

"Mr. Kaneki? Hi, I'm Hideyoshi Nagachika, but you can call me Hide!" The hot doctor told him cheerfully. He stuck out his hand and Kaneki visibly flinched, much to his embarrassment. 

"I-I'm sorry," he stuttered once he managed to calm his racing heart. Hide's smile was still in place.

"Nah, I'm the one who's sorry. I should be more careful! I just started here, y'know. I'm apprenticing that guy over there. His name's Amon. You're my fourth patient!" Hide explained cheerfully. Kaneki managed a small, wobbly smile, wringing his hands nervously in his lap. He was still tense, expecting Aogiri to show up at any second and take him again. 

When the purple-haired girl appeared behind Hide, Kaneki tried to ignore her. He was nodding and managing weak smiles to whatever it was that Hide was explaining, (something or another about the basic rules of the ward). 

Instead of focusing on the purple-haired girl, Kaneki busied himself observing Hide. He was slightly tanned (at least compared to Kaneki's paper-white skin), and had nice, rounded features. His hair was full and soft-looking, brown at the roots and blond to the ends. His eyelashes were long and dark, a perfect frame to his hazelnut eyes. Freckles dashed lightly over his smooth cheeks– 

"Kaneki?" Hide prompted and Kaneki jumped. 

"Y-Yes, sorry," he gasped. Hide smiled again. 

"Let's get you settled in," Hide said.

 

Kaneki Ken was beautiful. 

Even in a wheelchair, even in the hospital scrubs, even looking miserable and spaced out, Kaneki was gorgeous. 

He was sharp-featured, his jaw angled to the point where it could cut somebody. He had unusual white hair, the strands delicate-looking and thin. He had this aura of sadness; everything about him was curled inwards. 

The most shocking was his eyes. 

Stormy grey, narrow and clouded over. He was constantly changing where he was looking. His eyes darted around, taking in all the features of the room. Hide sucked in a breath and put on another smile.  

When Kaneki flinched away from Hide's hand, he knew that Kaneki had been a victim of abuse. 

He just knew. Kaneki looked scared, his breathing picking up slightly, his entire body coiling up. 

The PTSD was obvious as well; Kaneki's eyes refused to focus on one spot for too long, constantly moving and finding something new to look at. Eventually, Hide clued in that Kaneki wasn't listening to him at all.

"Kaneki?" Hide prompted gently, and Kaneki jumped. 

"Y-Yes, sorry," he gasped out, making Hide's heart swell in sympathy. 

"Let's get you settled in, yeah?" Hide told him, walking around his wheelchair– slowly this time –to push him around the facility. Hide could tell, as he pointed out all of the important rooms, that Kaneki didn't want to be there. With every room they entered, Kaneki seemed to squish into his chair more, his arms wrapped around his middle.

"Okay, here's your room!" Hide said far too loudly. Kaneki jumped once more, his breath hitching. Hide mentally scolded himself (again). 

"T-Thank you," Kaneki muttered hoarsely. 

"No problem! Dinner's in about forty minutes, so I'll let you settle in. You don't have to leave your room if you don't want to, 'kay?" Hide told him, smiling brightly. Kaneki's lips wobbled in a sad attempt at a smile back. 

"Yeah, I-I'll just...um, stay h-here, thank you," Kaneki muttered out. Hide placed a hand gently on Kaneki's shoulder and Kaneki stared at it like he'd never felt human contact before in his life. 

Hide smiled again. "You'll be safe here, don't worry!"

 

The minute Hide left, it felt as if all the air was sucked out of the room. Kaneki's blood ran cold at the feeling.

He was alone again.

But he wasn't, was he?  

He felt her presence lingering inside the room, drifting around. 

He felt her cold hands, her sharp nails gently scraping over his cheek. 

"Who are you?" he gasped, shivers starting to crawl up his spine. He felt like bugs were roaming under his skin, making him wary and uneasy.

_ You know who I am, Ka-ne-kiii _ , she purred, her voice reverberating off the walls, sounding like she was everywhere. _ Trust me, you know who I am.  _

"I-I don't remember!" Kaneki cried, burying his head in his hands. "I c-can't remember much, I-" he muttered out, getting cut off when the ghost hands closed around his neck and cut off his air. Kaneki wheezed, starting to panic.

_ Sleep now, Kaneki. Remember me.  _

_ S _ omehow Kaneki managed to crawl into his bed and twist up into a ball, a cold sweat making the sheets stick to his skin.

Kaneki couldn't recall when he drifted into sleep, but he knew that he was dreaming when he found himself strapped down to a familiar metal table. 

He wasn't remembering anything useful; just clearer, more in-depth memories of his time spent with Jason. He remembered the feeling of Jason's scalpels digging into his flesh, pulling him apart slowly, but not slowly enough to kill him. He remembered the needle pop through his skin and make his entire body freeze and tense up like a spring unable to release. He remembered the feeling of the electrical shocks, charring him from the inside out. 

He remembered Jason's laughs, his repeated question of ‘what's 1000-7, Kaneki?’ as he carved his name into Kaneki's skin and started running his meaty hands all over Kaneki's body, pulling at his hair and burning at his wrists when he cried–

"What's 1000-7, Kaneki?"

He was unable to do anything but lay there sobbing, weak gasps leaving his body in bursts.

He forgot that he was dreaming. It was too vivid. He felt every nail get torn off, felt every rib get cracked–

"What's 1000-7, my pet?"

All he could feel was the pain, the burn, the shaking of the table–

_ "Hey, Kaneki, wake up!" _

...993,986,979...

" _ Please, wake up, you're dreaming! _ "

He was, wasn't he?

_ " _ What's 1000-7? _ " _

"I don't know, please, please stop it!" Kaneki screamed.

The purple-haired girl appeared behind him, running her hands around his torso, the tips of her nails poking in slightly– and then she was tearing him open and ripping him apart and he was screaming and–

"Rize!"

  
  


Hide had been in his office for a whole twenty minutes before somebody knocked on his door.

"Come in," he called out absent-mindedly. Hinami stood at the door, nervously shuffling her feet. Her cheeks were red and her breath was coming out in puffs.

"S-Sorry, Mr. Hide, but I heard crying from the new guy's room, and-" she explained softly, but Hide was already speed-walking towards Kaneki's room. 

He heard the sobbing from the end of the hall and sped into a sprint.

Kaneki was curled up into a ball on the bed, all the blankets pushed off from his thrashing. He was sweaty and shivering, his face tear-streaked and clenched in pain. He was itching at himself wildly, spewing out random numbers and babbling. 

Hide was at his side in a second, shaking him gently, trying to wake him. 

"Hey, Kaneki, wake up!" Hide whisper-yelled, smoothing his hair off his clammy forehead. Kaneki seemed to relax slightly, the numbers slowing down. 

"Please, wake up, you're dreaming!" Hide tried again. Kaneki loosened slightly more before tensing up again. 

"I don't know, please, please stop it!" he sobbed out and Hide's heart clenched. He shook Kaneki more violently, really worried now. Should he get Amon? Or Akira even? This wasn't normal, he'd never seen a night terror this bad.

Kaneki howled suddenly, clenching his stomach and bolting upright, wide awake.

"Rize!" he gasped out, his breathing wild and spastic. He scrambled away from Hide, backing into the farthest corner of the bed like a trapped animal.

"Hey, woah, you're okay, Kaneki," Hide reassured softly. Kaneki's eyes were blown wide, fearful and confused. Hide reached his hand out slowly, letting his fingers barely graze Kaneki's knee. 

"See? I'm here," he soothed. Kaneki's breathing was still uneven, so Hide took the initiative to coax Kaneki to come closer. He did, cautiously, and Hide grasped his hand lightly and placed it over his own heart. 

"Here. Breath with me," Hide commanded gently. Kaneki nodded, trying to quiet down and follow the instruction. Hide watched Kaneki as he closed his eyes, still trembling slightly. They stayed there for awhile, sitting in silence until Kaneki croaked out a ‘thank you’.

"Don't thank me," Hide laughed quietly. "This is what I'm here for!" 

It was the truth. He had done that exact routine with multiple other patients before. It was a good way to calm a panic attack.

But why, with Kaneki, did it feel so different?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is v triggering so if youre sensitive don't read this ty

After Kaneki's episode, Hide decided that it was best if he just stayed in his room for awhile. 

Kaneki's mental and physical state was far too weak to be meeting so many new people in the cafeteria. So, for the next three days, Hide spent as much of his free time as possible with Kaneki in his room. Sometimes when they were exercising Kaneki's legs they would walk together in the hallway, but only when the other patients were busy. 

The night guards told Hide that Kaneki would scream frequently at night. It worried him; Hide wasn't sure how to deal with his situation. For now the most he could do was slowly try to crack Kaneki's shell. 

While they talked, sometimes Hide would mention something about Kaneki's capture. He would space out whenever the subject was brought up, his eyes would lose focus and his body would begin to tremble. Hide would then gently snap him out of it, changing the topic as quickly as possible.

By the fourth day, Kaneki could walk on his own (for the most part at least) and was actually talking to Hide. They kept the conversation light, often speaking about books or music (though the music conversations were mostly one-sided with Kaneki only listening to Hide’s rambling).

On the fifth day Hide finally suggested leaving his room.

"Confinement isn't healthy. You need to come out at some point," Hide teased lightly that morning while giving Kaneki his medication. Kaneki took it without complaint, having been far beyond the point of completely distrusting Hide. 

"I-I don't know if that's a good idea," Kaneki argued, accepting the cup of water Hide gave him to help down the pills.

"Sorry, but you can't just stay in here," Hide sighed, ruffling Kaneki's hair slightly. Kaneki allowed Hide to touch him now; so long as Hide was slow, careful and gentle, Kaneki actually seemed to enjoy the physical contact. Hide had been trying to make the white-haired boy less weary about it and it seemed to be working. 

"How about you try going to lunch and after my sessions, if you  _ really  _ hate it, you can stay here awhile longer?" Hide offered. Kaneki bit the inside of his cheek and nodded weakly. Hide beamed, caressing his hair again before leaving the room. 

 

Kaneki's appetite was practically non-existent. 

At the hospital he'd only managed to nibble at the stale, rubber-tasting foods that they provided.  When he did manage to eat, he would only end up puking it out later; his stomach was still weak and unable to handle food after starving for weeks. 

The food Hide had been bringing him was much better and his appetite had slowly begun to return, though the food was usually cold by the time Kaneki actually got around to eating it. 

To Kaneki's complete surprise, his stomach actually grumbled when Hide walked him into the kitchen area. Hide heard the noise, much to Kaneki's embarrassment. 

"Hope you like stew ‘cause that's what Yoshimura made today. It's much better when it's hot, trust me," Hide told him. Kaneki nodded, feeling the eyes of the other patients follow him. Unease crept up Kaneki's chest and blocked his throat so all he could manage was feeble nodding. Hide must have noticed because he brought Kaneki to a far corner of the room. It was fairly standard; the actual kitchen area was behind a counter and set up like your average cafeteria but much smaller. There was only about eight tables with six chairs each. Quite a few were filled up, but not to the point where it was super crowded. 

"I'll go get you some food but then I've gotta leave you, okay?" Hide said and Kaneki tensed. Hide was already gone though and had started filling up a plate for Kaneki.

_ Nobody here will like you _ , the purple haired girl, whom Kaneki now knew was named Rize, whispered in his ear.  _ You're insane. You're weak. You're broken. _

"Shut up," Kaneki muttered, looking around for her. She had been torturing him almost constantly since he woke up in the hospital, and frankly, he was getting angry. 

_ Oh, but it's the truth, Kaneki, _ Rize purred and Kaneki felt her hands ghosting over his skin again. He shivered, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to ignore her.

_ Why are you ignoring me? I'm right here, can't you see?  _ Rize giggled and Kaneki opened his eyes. 

And screamed. 

Rize was there but she was dead. She had no eyes, as if somebody had tore them out, and her head was bleeding. A huge, gaping stab wound stood out on her stomach, blood oozing from it and dripping onto the floor slowly, making a disgusting  _ squelch  _ sound when she stepped in it. She'd never done  _ this  _ before, never showed him something so  _ horrible _ ...

It took Kaneki a minute to notice that everyone was staring at him. 

"U-Um, I-I'm sorry..." he choked out, looking at the floor in embarrassment. The chatter started up again, more hesitant and quiet, people slowly tore their eyes away from Kaneki. He ran his hand through his hair before letting out a shaky breath and thumping his forehead down on the table. 

_ She's not real, _ Kaneki told himself, trying to calm his heartbeat.  _ She's just imaginary, she's in my head, she's not– _

"You okay?" Hide asked and Kaneki jumped, his muscles tense. Hide held out a cautious hand and Kaneki relaxed again, nodding.

"Y-Yeah, I'm sorry, I..." he started, trailing off when he realized that he had nothing to say. Hide gave him another bright smile.

"Don't be sorry, Kaneki! It's not your fault so there's nothing to apologize for," Hide reassured him. Kaneki, much to his own surprise, found a tiny, timid smile drift onto his face. 

"T-Thank you," he stammered, reaching out when Hide handed him a tray of food. The stew looked much, much more appetizing when it was hot. Kaneki dug in, tasting the hot flavours on his tongue and practically purring. He couldn't remember the last time he received an actual hot meal. Kaneki ate much too fast, only noticing Hide's bemused stare when he was done licking the last remains off the spoon. Kaneki blushed, opening his mouth to say something when a hiccup cut him off. Hide couldn't contain his laughter and Kaneki blushed even more.

"Sorry, I just haven't seen anybody eat that fast in a long time," Hide laughed. Kaneki sobered a little, shrugging.

"I, um. I've never e-eaten much and _ – _ either way, the hospital food was pretty b-bad, and this tastes really  _ good– _ " Kaneki rambled causing Hide's heart to squeeze again. 

"Well, you've got Yoshimura's food now! You can have as much as you want, just don't make yourself sick," Hide warned. Kaneki nodded quickly, itching at his wrist absent-mindedly. He was so lost in his thoughts that when Hide stood to leave, he audibly gasped, jumping to attention.

"Wait _ – _ " he choked out, fear settling in the pit of his stomach at the thought of being alone. His hand grasped Hide's wrist tightly, his breathing quickening. 

Hide almost gasped. This was the first time Kaneki had initiated contact. His urge to jump for joy sizzled out when he saw the raw panic and fear reflected in Kaneki's stormy eyes. Hide smiled apologetically while turning his hand over to rub the inside of Kaneki's wrist. 

"I have to prepare for group sessions, 'Neki, I'm sorry. I'll check on you before bed and I'll see you at the session, alright?" Hide reassured once again. With a shaky breath, Kaneki nodded, remembering that Hide had  _ other patients _ and that the world  _ didn't revolve around him.  _

"Of course, I'm s-sorry," he said, not meeting Hide's eyes. Hide placed a hesitant hand on Kaneki's shoulder before leaving. 

On his way out one of the mandatory guards, Seidou, wiggled his eyebrows.

"Oooooh," he sang and Hide glared half-heartedly at him. Seidou laughed, waving Hide goodbye and returned his eyes to the patient that Hide had taken such an interest in.

Kaneki watched Hide go, feeling his heart flutter nervously. Suddenly the room seemed too small, too crowded. He felt like every murmur was about him, like every laugh was caused by something he did, like every tiny glance sent his way was condescending and disgusted. He closed his eyes for the millionth time and took a deep, steadying breath.

"Bonjour, Monsieur," a voice cooed suddenly. Kaneki jolted ( _ again _ ) and snapped his eyes open. A man had taken Hide's spot at the table. He was older than Kaneki and had deep purple hair swept fashionably to the side. His accent was obviously French, his voice deep and oddly soothing.  

"H-Hi," Kaneki managed, still taken aback. He wasn't meeting the man's gaze, eyes flickering around the room for some way to escape. 

"My name is Tsukiyama. It's lovely to meet your acquaintance..." he trailed off, and it took Kaneki a minute to notice that he was being asked his name.

"Oh! Kaneki Ken," he supplied, praying that Tsukiyama didn't offer his hand, please don't offer your hand, please–

"Lovely name," Tsukiyama purred while _ holding out his hand. _

"U-Um, you too," Kaneki murmured, taking a deep breath and staring at Tsukiyama's outstretched hand.

_ Oh God I really don't want to touch him but am I being rude? It's normal to shake hands, why can't I just shake his hand? It's not a difficult thing to do, I just need to reach out and let him touch me _ - _ no, no I don't like people touching me, I can't, he'll hurt me. Oh, I've been thinking too long, I _ –

"The poor kid obviously doesn't want to shake your hand," a new voice butted in and Kaneki straight out yelped. He didn't notice that he'd begun to visibly shake. 

"Of course, I'm sorry, mon amour," Tsukiyama apologized. Kaneki gave him a fake smile.

"No, don't be sorry! I mean, it's n-normal to shake hands," he laughed awkwardly, eyes scanning the new person. It was a girl this time. She had hair similar to Tsukiyama's in colour, but hers was shoulder-length and swept over one of her eyes, the shade of purple slightly deeper. Her cheeks were hollow, dark bags sat under her eyes.

"I'm Touka," she introduced flatly. Kaneki managed another weak smile and nodded his head, eyes darting over her shoulder when Rize appeared again. 

"What are you looking at?" she asked bravely and Kaneki jerked.

"Oh, I- Um, just- Nothing," he stammered and mentally cursed himself.  _ Nice. Very inconspicuous.  _

"Whatever. You might want to stay away from this French asshole, he's insane," Touka warned before turning on her heel and stalking away again. Kaneki blinked twice, mouth opening and closing like a fish. 

"She's always so angry, that one," Tsukiyama sighed, shaking his head. Kaneki frowned, watching her leave.

"Um–" he started, then stopped, thinking it would be rude to ask what she was in for. Though it seemed he didn't even have to ask; Tsukiyama was waving his hands around, wildly trying to get Kaneki’s attention.

"I can tell what you want to ask, mon cher. It's better if you don't ask the person directly. Sensitive topics, you know. But, just to soothe your burning curiosity, I'll tell you," he sighed dramatically. Kaneki gulped. "Touka-chan over there has bulimia and insomnia. She's been in here for a year or so. Tragic, really. Nobody knows how she came to be this way."

"S-She seemed fine to me," Kaneki stuttered out, looking down at his hands as they tapped on the table. Tsukiyama chuckled.

"Ah, mon ami, you're kind. That's a good trait to have," he purred and Kaneki blushed furiously. He really didn't want to be there any longer.

"So what do you like to do?" Tsukiyama asked suddenly. Kaneki was caught off guard.

"U-Um, I guess I read a lot," Kaneki murmured, eyes darting away yet again. "I'm sort of boring."

"Not at all! Reading is wonderful, Kaneki!" Tsukiyama gushed and Kaneki was suddenly very interested. 

They talked for awhile about literature. They had a favourite author in common, much to Kaneki's delight, and he found himself getting passionate about the topic, something that he hadn't been in awhile. Their conversation strayed and Kaneki found himself enjoying it still, until –

"Say, monsieur, do you dye your hair?" Tsukiyama asked and Kaneki frowned in confusion. 

"N-No?" he answered, his reply coming out like a question. Tsukiyama looked shocked.

"Oh? How unusual," he pondered and Kaneki cocked his head.

"Really? Black hair's quite common, Tsukiyama," Kaneki laughed nervously. Tsukiyama's frown deepened. 

"Kaneki, your hair is white," he said. 

Kaneki froze.

"What?"

"It's white as snow," Tsukiyama said again. Kaneki stood suddenly, his legs shaking from the sudden pressure. 

"A-Ah, of course. I'm sorry, I have to g-go," Kaneki chuckled uneasily, not waiting for Tsukiyama's reply. He rushed towards the door as his vision starting to blur.

"Excuse me, you can't leave," the supervisor told him politely. Kaneki sucked in a breath of air.

"U-Um, my stomach hasn't been r-right, and–" Kaneki lied, a hand touching his chin nervously. The guard, whose nametag read 'Seidou,' gave a small nod.

"You know where the bathroom is, right?" Seidou asked. Kaneki nodded furiously before rushing off towards the bathrooms.

 

"Hey, Hide? Your newbie didn't seem okay, he just rushed off towards the bathrooms. I figured you'd want to deal with it. I'll get Shinohara to cover your group session if it takes too long," Seidou quietly reported into his small walkie talkie after Kaneki was out of sight. 

 

The hallways seemed to tilt as he half-ran, his eyes watering.

_ White? My hair is black. It's always been black, like my mother's _ – _ my raven black hair. How is it possible that my hair's white? How does that happen? White hair, that's so not  _ **normal** , _ I _ –

_ You're not normal, Kaneki. You never were. _

"Shut up," Kaneki mumbled out loud, finally pushing open the door to the washroom. He closed it as gently as possible, fumbling to lock it with his shaking hands. It was almost a full minute later when Kaneki realized that he was in a  _ mental hospital _ , of course they wouldn’t have locks on the doors.

The room was small with only three stalls, all of which were thankfully empty. He ran right up to the mirror, a hand covering his mouth. He didn't look anything like he remembered. His eyes were dull, lifeless, with almost purple bruises underneath them. His hair was pure white, making his sickly pale skin stick out even more, inhuman and fragile-looking. 

_That's what you are now,_ _Kaneki,_ Rize purred. Kaneki saw her appear behind him in the mirror, her purple hair flowing around her like a veil. _You're fragile and broken and scarred_. 

"Scarred," Kaneki echoed, dread settling in his stomach. Since he arrived here Kaneki had avoided looking at himself; he refused to even look down at his own body, let alone into a mirror. With Rize's quiet cackling resonating around the room, Kaneki grasped the edge of his shirt.

"Scarred," he pondered again, tears pooling in the corners of his eyes.

_ I wonder if I look like a monster,  _ Kaneki dreaded _ ,  _ his heartbeat quickening _. I wonder if what  _ he _ did to me will stay on my body forever. I wonder _ – _ what if the words he carved into my skin are still there? Oh God, he's part of me. _

_ He's still out there, Kaneki,  _ Rize sang. Kaneki began itching his wrist. He suddenly felt like his skin was too tight, stretching thinly over his bones and making him feel as if he was about to burst open. He began laughing, a hysterical, high-pitched titter that sent shivers down his own spine. 

His hair was white. Jason had turned his hair  _ white _ . 

What else did he do to Kaneki's body?

Suddenly unable to handle the unknown any more, Kaneki scrambled out of his shirt, eyes closed.Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Kaneki opened his eyes, staring at his body in the mirror.

It was grotesque, as expected. Pinkish scars criss-crossed his chest and stomach, making horrific trails across his skin. The deeper cuts weren't healed yet and appeared angry red and scabbed over.  

The worst was the jagged writing spread across his left side over his ribs. In blocky letters, gory and not yet healed, the name Jason was branded on his flesh, a cruel reminder of who had broken him so badly. 

Kaneki felt dirty again, in a way he hadn’t felt since being in Hide’s care. He vividly remembered every time that Jason put his horrible hands on his grimy skin, every sensation, every emotion, every drop of blood that fell from his body.

Doubling over, Kaneki crawled to the toilet and wretched, tears falling freely down his face. His breath was starting to fall short, the darkness clogging his throat and ruining him. He let a sob loose, feeling all of his bottled emotions spewing free. 

(Disgusting, you're so disgusting for letting him do that to you. You let him  _ touch  _ you, let him slice you open, you let him kill your Aunt  _ and  _ your Mother, you were too weak to save either of them.) 

The scabs felt too connected to  _ him _ . They felt wrong on his skin.

He suddenly needed them off.

Kaneki began scratching, his short nails ripping and tearing, blood beading up on his skin. It felt comforting, felt  _ right _ , felt like it was getting rid of Jason's memory. 

"Kaneki?" A hesitant voice said on the other side of the door. Kaneki froze, fear halting his movements.

_ Don't burden other people with your problems, Kaneki _ , his mother's voice reminded him. 

"Y-Yes?" Kaneki stuttered, trying to keep his voice as even as possible. As quietly as possible he slipped his shirt over his head before trying to steady his shaking hands. 

"Uh, are you okay? Can you open the door?" the voice, which Kaneki now recognized as Hide, asked. Kaneki glanced at himself in the mirror, giving his hands a quick wash, wiping away the remains of his tears and taking a deep breath.

"Sure, one s-second," he called as he quickly splashed some water on his face and flushed the toilet before opening the door. He brought a hand up to his chin and offered Hide a tiny half-smile.

"I'm s-sorry, I think I might have eaten too much," he lied easily. Hide raised an eyebrow, nodding at him.

"Okay. Do you need to go back to your room?" Hide said warily. Kaneki nodded, his chest burning and his legs feeling weak. Hide stepped aside to let Kaneki exit the bathroom. 

He made it a whole three steps before his knees buckled and he hit the floor.

"You should have just told me that your legs were hurting," Hide scolded lightly. When Kaneki made a move to get up, he realized that his shirt was sticking to his skin.

The blood was seeping through.

And Hide was coming towards him, probably to pick him up.

"N-No!" Kaneki yelled, curling in on himself. "Stay there, I'm f-fine." Hide, of course, didn't find that very reassuring at all.

"That wasn't convincing," Hide laughed lightly, crouching down somewhat away from where Kaneki sat. Kaneki curled in on himself more, feeling the shirt stick in different places. 

"I don't know what you did, but I have an idea, Kaneki. I may have not been working here long, but I know what an injured person looks like and I know when someone's trying to hide it," Hide scolded. Kaneki let out a low whimper. 

"I'll tell you what; if you let me patch you up, I'll keep this on the down-low, okay?" Hide offered, knowing full-well that it was against the rules. Kaneki relaxed slightly, taking in a deep breath while contemplating the offer. With a loud exhale, Kaneki nodded slightly, uncurling and facing Hide. Kaneki sucked in a sharp breath, his heart fluttering.  Hide was smiling at him, but it wasn't his usual bright beam; it was softer, his eyes crinkled slightly, filled with hesitance and worry. Hide's hand was outstretched for Kaneki to take, and he did so, slowly. 

"It's okay," Hide softly soothed as he stood and helped Kaneki up. His shirt was damp with blood, little blotches decorated his chest. It wasn't really anything dangerous but it was still considered a form of self-harm and Hide was alarmed. 

"Want me to carry you? The infirmary is a bit far away," Hide offered and Kaneki nodded again before letting Hide lift him bridal-style. He let himself be carried, let his head rest in the crook of Hide's neck, let go of the sour memories that were still playing in his mind. 

And Kaneki let himself believe that Hide was a safe place for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading !!!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternative title: hUgging and anGst!!!1!

"Hey, Kaneki? We're here," Hide muttered softly, and Kaneki gulped. Hide set him down in one of the chairs before turning on his heel to begin gathering supplies. 

"Um, c-can I, maybe, do it myself?" Kaneki asked, Hide gave a snort in response.

"Sorry, but I  _ really  _ can't allow that," he said. Kaneki's heart clenched again while watching Hide shuffle through cupboards.

"I-I can't- I'm... my body, it's–" Kaneki stuttered out, his voice wavering. Hide turned to look at him with a frown.

"You think I'd judge you over something like that?" Hide asked and Kaneki looked away.

"I-I don't..." he trailed off, itching at his wrist again through the long-sleeved scrubs. Hide huffed out a breath while putting a bunch of supplies on the table. "I just don't want anyone to see it."

"See what? Some scars? They just proved that you  _ survived _ , Kaneki. That you survived, and you're strong, and that you're healing," Hide told him. Kaneki gaped up at him. 

Nobody had ever told him anything like that before and it made Kaneki want to cry happy tears. He was silent as Hide tore through a first aid kit, grabbing bandages and disinfectant and the like.

"'Kay, lift off the shirt," Hide demanded and Kaneki felt a blush rising to his cheeks, either from embarrassment or shame. He shimmied hesitantly out of his shirt, wrapping his arms back around his body as quickly as possible, making sure to cover the brand on his ribcage. He felt all of his scars, all of his fading bruises, all of his insecurities, all out in the open. Hide, thankfully, didn't stare; he pulled another chair up to sit across from Kaneki and began working on a scrape on Kaneki's shoulder, dabbing at it gently with a cotton ball to absorb the blood. 

Inside, Hide was trying not to scream.

The younger boy was horridly thin; Hide had seen starvation before in his line of work, but every time he saw how the frail skin stretched across too-prominent bones it gave him a shock. His pasty skin was marred with criss-crossing cuts and fading bruises, thin trails of blood starting to trail down his body from his episode. 

Hide saw the way Kaneki shook, saw the way his thin arms wrapped around his body in an obvious attempt to hide something that Hide knew he wouldn’t want to see. 

"I know it's a-awful," Kaneki half-whispered, still refusing to meet Hide's eyes. Hide just hummed, placing a bandage gently over another bleeding area.

"I was expecting worse," Hide lied swiftly. Kaneki let out a shuddering breath that sounded as close to a laugh as Hide had ever gotten.

"Really? What were you expecting?" Kaneki asked, his stutter fading as his nerves did. 

"I dunno. Maybe some cyborg parts," Hide teased, and Kaneki let out a more clear chuckle. 

"Sorry to disappoint," he retorted softly, and Hide laughed. They were silent for a few minutes, Hide moving from wound to wound, Kaneki letting out an occasional hiss of pain at the deeper ones. 

"So? Are you gonna explain what happened?" Hide cooed suddenly, voice a quiet murmur. Kaneki tensed and Hide took the opportunity to swab a particularly large gash. 

"I just... wanted them off," Kaneki choked out. "They reminded me of  _ him _ , and I couldn't..."

"Who's 'him'?" Hide prompted, and Kaneki shuddered.

"The one who– who took me," he murmured. Hide nodded, focusing on his task. 

"He did all this to you?" Hide pushed, knowing that Kaneki was reaching his limits; his trembling had increased and his eyes were starting to wander. 

"Yes. For... for weeks, apparently. It all- merged, I guess. O-One big memory," Kaneki explained.

"I see. I'm glad you told me, Kaneki, but this wasn't the way to cope," Hide told him. Kaneki made a soft noise of recognition, watching Hide's face as he worked. 

"I'm sorry," Kaneki sighed, feeling resentment bubble up his throat. Hide shushed him.

"Don't focus on mistakes, focus on victories. You shared something with me and I'm happy you trusted me enough," Hide sang, causing a blush to rise on Kaneki's pale cheeks. They were silent for awhile again. Kaneki was enjoying the treatment, in some sick way. He'd never had somebody touch him so gently, never had somebody care enough to bandage his injuries. Whenever he'd been hurt in the past, his Mother would only shoo him away and send him to the bathroom to do it himself. His Aunt would scream at him for even  _ asking  _ for help. Of course the people in the hospital probably treated him gently, but Kaneki didn't remember much of anything from his stay there. 

"Why'd you go to the bathroom in the first place? Was there a certain trigger that set off your memories, or...?" Hide asked, mentally taking notes. Kaneki bit the inside of his lip, ripping at the skin as he pondered what to tell Hide.

"I was t-talking with one of the inmates, and he... he mentioned that my hair was white," Kaneki explained meekly, and Hide frowned.

"Why was that a shock to you?" Hide asked. He'd just assumed that Kaneki had dyed it, like Hide did with his own hair. Kaneki let out a weak snort.

"My hair was black, b-before," he said, and Hide looked up at him in surprise. 

"So it–" he started, and Kaneki  cut him off.

"Yeah, I don't know when. Or how," he sighed, and Hide made a soft noise in the back of his throat. They were quiet again after that, Hide kept busy by tenderly dabbing at a bunch of little gashes and Kaneki simply enjoyed the new feeling of caring human contact. His mind drifted back to his escape and how he managed to get out, but he honestly couldn't remember anything; it was all just snippets of pain. He saw Rize, whoever she was, appear behind Hide. She gave a feral smirk at Kaneki while eyeing up the doctor.

Hide, oblivious to Kaneki's struggles, was a whirlwind of emotions. He was angry at whoever hurt Kaneki like this, he was overjoyed that Kaneki was seeming to calm down and open up more, and he was worried about how his group session was going with someone else leading it. Hide pulled away for a second to find Kaneki staring somewhere over his shoulder, eyes empty, arms still tightly protecting the same spot on his torso. 

"'Neki?" Hide murmured, and Kaneki recoiled, startled out of his thoughts. 

"Y-Yes?" he answered quickly, and Hide made a small gesture towards where his arms still crossed protectively over his ribs. Kaneki shook his head, feeling disgusting for even having  _ his  _ name marking his body.

"I-I can't, Hide, please..." Kaneki whispered hoarsely. Hide placed a tender hand under Kaneki's chin.

"Whatever's under there, I won't judge you for it, alright? My job is to help you and I can't do that if you hide from me," Hide cooed. With a reluctant shiver Kaneki removed his hands from his body, his eye glued to Hide's face. 

Hide was confused at first. Blood had smeared from Kaneki's arm making the injury look like nothing more than a bunch of cuts, just like on the rest of his body. He didn't get why Kaneki was so uneasy about this particular injury. 

When he started to swab the blood away he noticed the letter J and his heart dropped.  

He continued like nothing had happened, unveiling the rest of the harsh block letters marring Kaneki's skin. Hide felt anger sitting in his stomach like a rock, despair and sympathy for Kaneki clouding his thoughts. Who could be so sick as to do something like  _ this _ ? To brand an innocent boy?

'You don't know for sure that he's innocent,' a voice in Hide's head reminded him. Hide brushed the thought away wearily, trusting his gut feeling that Kaneki wasn't deserving of this.

Hell, even if he did do something to provoke the villain who tortured him (because that's what Hide knew it was now; some twisted form of torture), nobody deserved to go through whatever he had. Not even Amon had known what to do about his screaming at night, about the way he clawed at his own arms, the way he clenched his hands over his ears and refused to wake up. 

Too late Hide realized that he'd stopped working and Kaneki was trying to hold back tears.

"You know this isn't your fault, right?" Hide told him, and Kaneki let out a choked laugh.

"Really? It kind of was," he spat bitterly, taking Hide by surprise. This was the most anger he'd ever seen in Kaneki. 

"You can explain it for me, if you'd like," Hide prompted and Kaneki huffed out a breath.

"I... I tried to run away," Kaneki admitted, despite his mind screaming at him to not tell anyone. Sharing felt wrong, as if he was begging for attention. Hide nodded, continuing to clean the injury, prompting Kaneki to go on. 

_ Hide's trying to help me. I need to let Hide help me. Jason can't get me here, _ Kaneki reminded himself, taking a steadying breath.

"There was this... this girl that he was also keeping there. I don't– oh God, I don't even remember her name," Kaneki chuckled bitterly before continuing. "I managed to- to rip away at my wrist enough that I slipped it out of the chains, and I freed her too, but he- he came back, and we thought we could take him..."

"I'm assuming he overpowered you?" Hide said gently. Kaneki nodded, relieved that Hide was giving him the chance to regain some composure. He began again, quieter this time, his voice losing emotion and hardening into something detached as the bottle he'd been keeping tightly sealed began to open. 

"He was angry. We were both weakened. It was an idiotic plan in general, but we were desperate. He stabbed her and then told me, “you wanted to save her so bad; do it now, then.” Obviously, I couldn't save her. I tried and I tried, but she died anyway. She died because of me, because of my plan and my inability to... I don't know, do  _ something _ . The day after that he sliced my ankles and cut his name into my skin, saying, ‘you wanted to leave me so badly, Kaneki? You'll never leave me, now.’ And then I ended up in a place like this and – and then Tsukiyama told me that my hair was white, and I couldn't..." Kaneki trailed off when he noticed how much he'd said. "I'm sorry–"

"Don't apologize," Hide scolded immediately and Kaneki shrunk back a little. Hide finished putting the bandage on the wound then looked the white-haired boy in the eyes.

"Can I hug you?" Hide asked. Kaneki's eyes widened, taken aback.

"Why...?" he wondered warily and Hide gave a laugh.

"Because you just shared something tragic with me and I feel bad, but I'm also really proud that you're talking more," Hide said simply. Kaneki only blushed and nodded.

"Y-Yeah, hugs are... hugs are okay, I think," he murmured and Hide leaned forward enough to wrap his arms around Kaneki's neck, gingerly pulling the other boy close. Kaneki didn't like it at first. It made him feel trapped and uncomfortable and afraid and he just imagined Jason, pinning him to the table, touching him, hurting–

Then he remembered that he wasn't there anymore. He escaped. This was Hide. Hide who was nice and sweet and trying to help him. Kaneki relaxed, slowly letting himself calm down. 

Instinctively Kaneki brought his hands up to rest on Hide's back. It felt nice; Hide smelled good, and he was warm, and he made Kaneki feel happy. 

"You good?" Hide questioned as he pulled away, an eyebrow raised. Kaneki blushed, nodding.

"Yes!" he said much too quickly, before flushing an even darker shade of red. Hide just laughed, patting him on the head like a dog. He got up with a grunt and began to throw away the bloodied swabs.

"Hey, we might be able to make the ending of that group session if we hurry," Hide remarked and Kaneki resisted the urge to groan.

"Is it mandatory?" Kaneki sighed and Hide chuckled at him.

"If you ever wanna leave eventually, then yes," Hide said. Kaneki actually did groan this time and rub his hands over his face.

"Oh, you should shower first," Hide remarked, and Kaneki nodded as he accepted Hide's outstretched hand. They started for the showers, walking close enough together that their arms brushed. Kaneki walked slightly behind Hide, yet still stayed close and seemed to hide behind him in a way. Hide took note of it, storing it away as more evidence that Kaneki's Aunt may have been abusive.

"Uhhm, Hide," Kaneki said suddenly, making Hide jump.

"Yeah?" Hide answered, glancing over at the smaller boy.

"I don't mean to sound rude, but... isn't it sort of... insensible to shower after you went through all the trouble of bandaging my injuries?" he supplied, and Hide paused.

"Shit."

He then realized that he swore in front of a patient.

"Forget I said that," he murmured as an afterthought. Kaneki let out a small little giggle and Hide's heart literally exploded. The sound was soft and pure and wonderful and it made Hide determined to hear it again a million times over.

"Okay, we'll just... wash your hair and hands then. Yeah. We'll do that," he decided, grabbing Kaneki's hand and continuing to lead him towards the showers.  Kaneki let out a small squeak and Hide didn't know why, that is until he realized that he  _ grabbed Kaneki's hand what the fuck was he doing.  _

"O-Oh, I'm sorry–" Hide began, trying to pull his hand back, but Kaneki kept his grip.

"N-No, it's okay," he muttered shyly, saddling up close to Hide again like a frightened animal. Hide bit the inside of his cheek to muffle the beaming grin that threatened to escape. 

He then realized that he was acting like a teenager with a crush.

Did he have a crush? On Kaneki?

Hide shook the thought away nearly as soon as it surfaced. For one, Kaneki was his patient. He didn't exactly know the rules concerning doctors dating patients, but he was sure that it was more than frowned upon. Not to mention the fact that Kaneki had been through an insane amount of mental and physical trauma and could only be seeking comfort in Hide. 

They got to the showers finally and Hide held the door open for Kaneki who scampered inside. Hide followed him and Kaneki spoke up as he was shutting the door.

"Um, s-sorry to inconvenience you, but would you mind maybe locking the door? Just- just–" Kaneki tried to explain. It was obviously a touchy subject so Hide nodded.

"Of course. You don't have to explain, but I'm here to listen if you want to," Hide told him, emphasizing the last part. Kaneki let out a breath.

"I... The man who took me, he knew both my Mother and my Aunt. He was their dealer. W-When he came around the house, I would usually hide, but one time, I- I was showering, and..." Kaneki trailed off again, his breath hitching and eyes glazing over. Hide bit his lip hard enough to draw blood. He'd known that Kaneki was troubled before his capture, but he had no idea it was to this extent.

"How old were you, Kaneki?" Hide asked, keeping his voice even and cool. Kaneki opened and closed his mouth a few times.

"T-Thirteen, I think? I don't–" he cut himself off and Hide noticed him scratching at his wrist. 

Both of them were trying not to cry at that point. 

"Thank you for telling me," Hide praised again. Kaneki gave him a weak smile, shuffling his feet.

"Do you think maybe, I... I could have a h-hug?" Kaneki almost whispered. Hide let out a soft laugh, holding out his arms. Kaneki fell into him, burying his face into Hide's neck, his body shaking with bad memories. Hide slowly rubbed his back, taking time to let Kaneki relax again. 

"You're safe now, I'm so proud of you, I'm here," Hide whispered occasionally, all things he'd learned about in school. It seemed to help; Kaneki was soothed, whatever storm that had been brewing inside of him cooled for now. He still clung to Hide, needing to feel something solid and real outside of his own head.

Hide knew that he wouldn't be able to fix Kaneki. As much as he wanted to be able to save him, the healing process was something that Hide could only assist him with. Kaneki would live with this trauma for the rest of his life. Hide had seen it before many times, even though he'd hardly been working in this field for long. 

But, he could help Kaneki learn to cope. The sad truth of it was that his mental anguish could only be controlled by him. Hide could comfort and coddle and reassure Kaneki that everything was okay, Hide could urge him to share and let him help, but Kaneki was the one who had to actually mend. 

There was also the risk of Kaneki becoming violent. He wasn't always shy and fragile, and neither were the majority of other PTSD victims. During his time in the hospital Kaneki had broken out in fits of anger, screaming at the nurses when they did something to trigger him accidentally. Kaneki couldn't be blamed for this and neither could the nurses; anger follows trauma like a shadow. 

Going through everything that Kaneki had could lead him to acting in ways that he normally wouldn't. His captor's behavior must have rubbed off on Kaneki in some way and Hide really didn't want to see Kaneki become something like that. 

So far Kaneki hadn't acted out violently, but he also hadn't been exposed to any major triggers. Hide knew that it would happen sometime and was terrified for the retrogression it could bring in Kaneki's mind. 

"H-Hide?" Kaneki muttered into his shoulder, and Hide jumped, snapping back to reality. 

"Yeah?"

"Uhm, I think I'm okay now," he said. Hide leaned back and gave him a small smile.

"Great! You can have your shower and then we'll make that group session, yeah?" Hide beamed at Kaneki who only nodded and managed a weak half-smile. 

Hide’s heart soared, feeling actual progress warm his very being. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> p.s if anyone is willing to beta this shit,,, bc im a horrible editor,,, pls hmu !! my tumblr is montanaherondale, and my insta/kik is Montana2163, or just leave a comment for me!!!
> 
> ty for reading !!!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty @ my wonderful beta Bulla124,,, this chap woulda been a fucking trAINWRECK without her

Having somebody else wash your hair was a strangely intimate and awkward feeling. 

Hide had decided that it would be easiest to wash his hair in the sink, instead of risking getting water all over his newly-bandaged chest. So now here he was, plopped down on a chair with his head tilted back into the sink as Hide cupped water and gently ran his fingers through Kaneki's hair. Kaneki found himself enjoying the experience and let himself relax (or try to at least; he wasn't in a very comfortable position). 

He couldn't help himself from watching Hide's face as the boy worked.  _ He’s even more beautiful up close, _ Kaneki thought with a blush. The freckles littering his face were like stars in the night sky, ironic because everything else about Hide represented sunshine. The freckles clustered on his nose before spreading further out across his cheeks and up towards his forehead. His eyelashes were light, but not as light as his hair, sharpening the multiple hues of brown in his eyes. The chocolaty roots at the top of his mane were oddly charming, adding character to his appearance and blending cutely with the rest of the honey-blond bleached areas. 

Hide poked his tongue out of the side of his mouth, oblivious to Kaneki's ogling. Everything about Hide was endearing, with some new quirk always appearing out of the blue. In his miserable life Kaneki had never found somebody that captured his interest as much as Hide did. 

Kaneki averted his eyes with a slight blush, feeling guilty. Hide was his doctor, after all. It would be very wrong to develop a crush on his doctor. 

_ Too late, _ Rize sang from somewhere behind him and Kaneki grit his teeth in annoyance at the purple-haired girl’s sudden intrusion. 

Kaneki knew that Rize wasn't real. He'd been told  _ many  _ times that she was just in his mind to hurt him. That for some reason he had trouble understanding what was real and what wasn't. His Mother had the disease too, the doctor had guessed, which was probably why she had turned to drugs. 

Yet even though he was aware that Rize was made up, even though he recognized that fact, he still found it annoying when the purple-haired figure would whisper pessimistic comments in his ear, always distracting him from reality. The vile, rude things she liked to hiss at him were deceivingly innocent-sounding, but Kaneki knew her intentions. He was hurt by every single thing she said. 

Not to mention the fact that she was somehow connected to Jason. Kaneki still couldn’t remember how, no matter how hard he tried. She appeared in his nightmares more often than Kaneki wanted to admit. She invaded his comatose mind more than she invaded his conscious mind. 

Kaneki had found though that distraction tended to help him ignore her nagging voice. So he took in a deep breath and rushed out some words.

"Hey, Hide, you know a lot about me, yet I know nothing about you," Kaneki said quickly, blushing for some reason. (That was happening a lot lately.) Hide laughed, the noise light and airy.

"Well, I guess you're right. Um, there's not much to tell about me, honestly. I live in an apartment on my own. Oh, and my cat," Hide told him and Kaneki smiled softly. 

“Her name is Maximus and she hates everyone. It’s funny, really. Every time someone knocks on the door she hisses and hides somewhere,” he laughed.

"What about family?" Kaneki asked, genuinely curious. Hide bit the inside of his cheek and Kaneki noticed.

"Ah, my mom and dad don't speak to me very often. We're not fighting or anything... we're just not close," he admitted, and Kaneki tried his best to nod with his head tilted the way it was.  

"You're lucky you have them," Kaneki murmured and Hide gave him a soothing smile.

"I know," he responded simply and Kaneki was grateful. 

“No siblings?” Kaneki clarified. Hide shook his head, 

“Nope! I was too much of a handful, I think. Always running around and causing trouble for them,” he said, and Kaneki could imagine it; a smaller, gap-toothed Hide, never standing still and accidently breaking everything. A warm smile found its way onto Kaneki’s face without him noticing and when Kaneki looked up at Hide again, the doctor was gaping at him. Kaneki’s smile vanished immediately and Hide audibly gasped.

“No! That was a nice smile,” Hide blurted, before the weight of what he said sunk in. “I-I just mean that, y’know, I don’t see you smile for real that often…” Kaneki laughed, the smile finding its way back to his face. Hide blushed, flicking Kaneki with some water. 

A few minutes later Hide finished up with his hair, shutting off the tap and throwing Kaneki a small towel. 

“Okay! You’re all clean,” Hide chirped, wiping his hands on his pants. “And ready for the group session!” 

“O-Okay,” Kaneki stuttered as he began drying his hair slowly, trying to waste as much time as possible. Hide noticed and gave Kaneki a soothing pat on the back.

“I’ll be right here with you, alright? You don’t have to worry,” Hide reassured. Kaneki nodded, conjuring up a half-smile and getting to his feet with a nervous sigh. 

The walk to the group-session room was peaceful enough. Hide lead Kaneki there, keeping a watchful eye on how the boy was coping. Kaneki was worrying his lower lip, staying close to Hide similar to a child not wanting to lose his parent. Hide knew that his other patients would likely terrify Kaneki, but they were all kind hearted. Kaneki needed to experience more positive human interaction after all of the negativity he’d grown up with. 

“H-Hide?” Kaneki stuttered out and Hide slowed his walking slightly. 

“Yes?” He sang, glancing over at Kaneki. Said boy was shaking more prominently now, scratching his inner wrist. Hide saw the rapid rise and fall of his chest and instinctively reached out to calm him. 

“Oi, Kaneki. I’m right here. You don’t have to leave my side, okay? You don’t have to talk either. Nobody needs to know why you’re here if you don’t want to share. The purpose of the group sessions are to warm you guys up to each other and offer listening ears if anybody wants to talk,” Hide explained. Kaneki had relaxed slightly at the mention of Hide staying close. Hide gave him a bright grin before ruffling his hair gently. Kaneki blushed a bit, averting his eyes. 

Hide was the first person to ever be this kind to him. Kaneki didn't even know that people as nice as Hide  _ existed _ . 

Of course, Kaneki’s Mother was nice. She got mad sometimes, but only when Kaneki deserved it. Kaneki’s Mother was a caring person and she loved Kaneki, she really did. Kaneki had memories of him and his Mother reading his Father’s old books while buried in a bunch of blankets. Those were his fondest memories, stored deep inside his mind. Whenever Kaneki did something to anger his Mother, he would remind himself of those good times, repeating to himself that Mother loved him and was only working so hard to make money for them. 

But she died.

Kaneki didn't save her. 

“Kaneki?” Hide interjected, pulling him back to the present, the bitterness of old memories shattering. He noticed that they had arrived at their destination and the previous anxiety that had been buzzing around the back of his mind came back full-force. 

Rize’s cold, feather-like touch ran across his shoulder, her lips grazing his ear as she whispered to him.

_ Any one of them could work for Jason _ , Rize reminded him harshly.  _ Even if they don't, you got your own Mother  _ and _ Aunt killed. You’re a horrible person and they'll hate you. _

“Yo, Kaneki. Come back. Hey, I'm here. Remember, they're not real,” Hide reminded him. Kaneki nodded, shaking her from his head. Hide knew that Kaneki frequently saw  _ something _ , but Kaneki didn't like to elaborate on it very much. 

“Y-Yes. I can do this,” Kaneki said, clenching his hands into fists, feeling determined. Hide beamed at him while pushing open the door.

Kaneki tried not to visibly bristle. 

Every gaze in the room snapped over to Hide and him right away. Kaneki’s eyes scanned over everything in his vision, finding possible ways to escape, possible weapons, who looked suspicious, how–

“Everyone, this is Kaneki, the new patient. He’ll be joining the rest of your group session. Sorry for missing the beginning!” Hide introduced, leading Kaneki over towards the circle of chairs.

There was only one free chair, and much to Kaneki’s embarrassment, it was seated next to Tsukiyama. 

“Bonjour, monsieur. Are you alright?” the purple-haired man asked and Kaneki tried to send him the kind of reassuring smile that only Hide could manage. 

“Yes, I'm sorry for acting up earlier,” Kaneki apologized, the shame turning his cheeks red. Tsukiyama tsked while patting Kaneki’s shoulder, unknowingly making him tense up.

“Don’t apologize. I should have realized that it was a sensitive topic,” he replied. Before Kaneki could shoot out another ‘sorry,’ the other doctor in the middle of the circle began speaking again. 

“Alright, I'll let Hideyoshi take over now,” the man said. He was huge, with broad shoulders and a dark buzz cut. A small, circular beard covered his lower face. Hide, who was standing soundly beside Kaneki, gave the other doctor a wave.

“Thanks again, Shinohara,” Hide said, before his voice went whiny and he groaned out, “but please, call me Hide.” A few of the other patients gave chuckles or smiles. Kaneki could tell that they were all familiar with Hide, comfortable around him just like Kaneki was. Hide was that type of person; open and inviting and observant. 

_ That’s why he chose this profession, stupid _ , Rize hissed, causing Kaneki to startle. Tsukiyama looked over at him in confusion. Kaneki smiled apologetically, his eyes drifting back to Hide as the young doctor walked around inside the circle of chairs.

“So, anyone care to catch me up?” Hide chimed, arms open. A young girl with short, deep brown hair spoke up. 

“We were speaking about feelings,” she offered, and Hide sent a smile her way. 

“Hmm. I guess since Kaneki’s new here we can say our names and how we’re feeling? Only if you want to, of course,” Hide explained, getting a collection of half-interested nods in response. “So Hinami, why don’t you start?” 

“O-Oh! Well, I’m Hinami and I’m happy, I guess!” She giggled and Kaneki felt a warm tug in his chest. He could already tell that she was sweet, no matter what illness plagued her brain. 

Next in line was a person with Tsukiyama-esque hair. Kaneki couldn’t quite place their gender at first glance. 

“My name is Kanae von Rosewald. I go by he/him pronouns,” he clarified with a pointed glare in Kaneki’s direction, who gave an understanding nod, keeping in mind to remember that bit of information. “I feel content.”

After Kanae was Touka, the girl that Kaneki had encountered earlier. She huffed out a breath, rolling her eyes towards the seat Kaneki was occupying. 

“You met me already, I'm Touka. I feel pissed. Next person,” she said. Hide let out a small sigh that anyone else wouldn't have noticed. 

“Hello! I’m Uta, lovely to meet you, Kaneki. I feel extremely excited,” the next person spoke, his voice silky and deep. He was… interesting, to say the least. Tattoos covered his skin, the artwork fitting in with the piercings on his face. His hair was inky black, shaved on one side. Uta’s voice didn't match his appearance at all, Kaneki noted. 

“Yomo,” was all the next man said. He was huge, almost as big as Shinohara had been, with shoulder-length white hair. Uta elbowed his side.

“You’re going to  _ scare _ the boy,” he tsked and Yomo sent him a look. 

“Well! Seems like it’s my turn!” Tsukiyama cheered beside him, turning around in his chair to stare at Kaneki  _ directly _ . 

Kaneki really didn’t like to be close to people he didn’t know, he was discovering. He didn’t blame Tsukiyama for this, not in the slightest; he just seemed like a very physical person, and Kaneki, after having so many different people hurt him in so many different ways, was timid. 

Of course, he hadn’t minded when Hide ran his hands through Kaneki’s hair or hugged him or placed a hand so  _ soothingly  _ on Kaneki’s shoulder. 

_ But that’s different, _ Kaneki argued with himself, knowing that it wasn’t at all. 

Yet as Tsukiyama sat so close, close enough for Kaneki to see every different shade of his eyes, Kaneki couldn’t muster up the nerve to tell Tsukiyama to move.

_ That would be rude, Kaneki, _ his Mother scolded in his head. 

“Ah, Tsukiyama,” Hide scolded lightly from where he stood, making Kaneki’s heart swell with joy, and Tsukiyama backed off slightly. 

“Of course, desole. Anywho, je m’appelle Tsukiyama Shuu, as you’re already aware, and I feel tres bien,” he introduced himself yet again and Kaneki smiled weakly.

“Kaneki, would you introduce yourself?”  Hide prompted lightly. Kaneki nodded, trying to swallow the lump of unease in his throat. 

“Um, I’m K-Kaneki, and I'm… fine,” he managed, and Hide grinned reassuringly at him.

The person on Kaneki’s other side held a shocking resemblance to Touka. He was young, maybe the same age as Hinami, if not slightly older, though it became obvious that was the only similarity between them. 

“Why do we need to do this? We’re never going to speak to each other after we get outta this hellhole,” he scoffed and Hide gave him a (very un-Hide-like) look. The boy sighed and looked so like Touka in that moment that Kaneki knew they had to be siblings. 

“I’m Ayato and I feel like I’d rather be anywhere but here,” he spat out finally and Hide’s threatening look disappeared. 

Next in line was a young man with orange hair and glasses perched on his nose. Kaneki could sense his condescending attitude already. 

“I’m Nishiki and I agree with Ayato, unfortunately,” Nishiki sighed, his eyes not once glancing over towards Kaneki. Hide gave another sigh.

“Hopeless,” he mouthed at Kaneki, who stifled a smile. It then occurred to him that this was the first time that he’d ever had to stifle a smile. It was a strange feeling, but not quite unpleasant. 

Too late he noticed that the next person was talking. Guilt washed over him when he comprehended the fact that he missed her name. 

“...and I’m great,” she supplied nervously. She was looking right at Kaneki too. He nodded her way, trying his best to look like he’d listened. The girl had long, fiery red hair, pulled back into a messy ponytail. Mildly distressed, Kaneki looked back at Hide, who mouthed something similar to ‘Itori.’ 

The next few people were introduced in a blur. Kaneki knew that he would struggle to remember anyone’s names, if he even bothered talking to them. He really didn’t want to get attached to anybody here, knowing that attachment would just make everything more difficult when he had to leave.

That got him thinking; where was he supposed to go after all this? His whole family was dead. He was broke and he’d never had an actual job before. He knew for a fact that nobody would want him.

Kaneki’s breathing sped up slightly as panic worked its way into his mind. He would have to live on the streets. Where Jason would find him. 

He shook the thought away quickly.  _ I don’t have to worry about this _ , he told himself almost desperately, _ I still have at least a month in here _ . 

The negativity in Kaneki’s mind lingered for the rest of the ( _ slow _ ) meeting. They discussed coping methods, how to calm yourself down, and things of the like, but Kaneki hardly paid attention. Thoughts of the future plagued his brain, keeping him restless the entire time. Kaneki didn’t know how to cope with the idea of living alone or dealing with anything. His Aunt hadn’t prepared him for work, or driving, or shopping or anything that an adult should be able to do. 

The only work Kaneki had ever done was household chores, doing his cousin’s homework, and occasionally offering his body to the men his Aunt would have around. Of course, that wasn’t his choice; his Aunt would tell him that if he didn’t lay there and take it, then the men would kill everyone and it would be all Kaneki’s fault.

In the end, she was right. It just happened differently than she thought it would. 

Now, Kaneki was going to have to live on his own. 

Unease left him completely unfocused. He scratched at his wrist, cracked his fingers, tapped his knee, kept his eyes shifting around the room. He just wanted to  _ leave  _ so he could talk to Hide and stop worrying about everything–

“Monsieur?” Tsukiyama whispered beside him, making Kaneki jump. 

“O-Oh, yes?” he stuttered and Tsukiyama arched an eyebrow.

“You were shaking,” he explained and Kaneki felt a blush rising.  _ Stupid, stupid, stupid.  _

“Sorry, I’ll s-stop,” Kaneki apologized softly, feeling shame for disturbing people. Tsukiyama patted his knee, making Kaneki want to cry. 

Hide, bless his soul, must have seen. 

“Tsukiyama, do you have any specific methods of coping that you can share with the group?” Hide asked in his normal tone, and Kaneki, calming down, smiled shakily. 

“Ah, oui,” Tsukiyama answered, and started talking about how he coped with life. 

Kaneki was listening once again, contently half-paying attention to Tsukiyama’s rambles, when there was a knock on the door. 

“Oh! We have another new patient to welcome, I almost forgot!” Hide laughed, walking over to the door. Kaneki resisted the urge to stand up and kick over his chair. 

“Hello! We’re doing a group session right now, I–” Hide began, but the new person cut him off.

“I’ll stay for it, if ‘ya don’t mind,” the loud voice said back.

Kaneki froze. 

He knew that voice. 

He didn’t remember who it was, but as Hide and this stranger kept talking, the more Kaneki remembered. 

He remembered that voice in the background, laughing maniacally as Jason cut him over and over and over and  _ over and over.  _

“Big bro, let’s kill ‘im!”

“C’mon, let me have a turn!”

“His screaming annoys me, why haven’t you killed him yet?” 

“Hahaha, look at him squirm!”

Kaneki remembered the way that voice would wake him from a restless sleep. He remembered how the owner of that voice would kick him when he couldn’t support his own weight, or roughly jab his fingers into Kaneki’s open wounds. 

Kaneki definitely knew that voice. He knew that voice too well. 

“Hi everyone, I’m Naki.” 

  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thx again @ my child Bulla124

Kaneki was doing his best to not scream.

Naki had chosen to sit right beside Kaneki, squishing a chair between him and Ayato. Randomly throughout the rest of the meeting, Naki would lean over, close enough that Kaneki could smell the horribly familiar scent on him, and just  _ grin _ . 

Every time Naki moved, Kaneki would tense up, his breath hitching in his throat. Naki would let out a quiet chuckle and Kaneki would release the small breath he had been holding. 

Kaneki was scratching his wrist red, too; his fingers just kept scraping away. And when they weren’t scratching, they were cracking. His breaths were erratic and he just wanted Hide.

Hide, despite seeming to lead the meeting flawlessly, was worrying. Kaneki was obviously in a state of distress. The new arrival Naki was smirking and Hide could sense the tension. He just wasn’t sure what to do about the situation. It wasn’t like he could simply stop everything and kick Naki out. He was a doctor here; he was supposed to know all the facts before calling judgement. 

Yet, his only impulse was to make sure that Kaneki was okay.

Of course, Hide felt like this with all of his patients. He grew quite attached to them. A good example was little Hinami. Hide was practically a big brother to her and he cherished every minute of their time together. It was nearly the same feeling with Kaneki, but somehow it was entirely different. 

Naki shifted again, almost in a teasing way, and Kaneki quite audibly  _ yelped  _ like a frightened puppy who thought it was about to get hit.

Hide tried his best to talk over the small interruption, but he could see the other patients looking over curiously. The best he could do for Kaneki at this point was try to get things over with. He knew that confronting them now, with so many people around, would surely freak him out more. 

Naki’s leg rose to cross over his other thigh, and in the process the toe of his shoe rubbed against Kaneki, who had his jaw clenched tight with his hands clasped into fists around the loose material of his mandatory scrubs. 

“Ah, Kaneki?” Tsukiyama whispered to him, leaning over slightly and cautiously, “is everything okay?” 

_ People are noticing, I need to calm down _ , Kaneki scolded himself internally. He sent a tense nod towards Tsukiyama, forming a grateful smile that felt more like he was baring his teeth. Uncertain, Tsukiyama backed off, settling back in his seat.

Rize was hovering around Kaneki, a mixture of angry and alarmed, the most emotion he’d ever seen from her usually-smug face.

_ He’s here to hurt you, Jason will find you, you need to get out and kill him, get away, stop him,  _ she was saying repeatedly as she paced around, doing nothing to ease Kaneki’s nerves. 

“Okay everyone, that’ll be all for today. As usual, you have half an hour left to talk to one another in here,” Hide concluded. People stood up slowly, drifting towards the T.V and the table of cards. Kaneki on the other hand shot to his feet and beelined straight to where Hide stood.

Hide, as if he was expecting it, backed a few steps away from the crowd of people to give the two a small amount of privacy.

“I need to get out of here, I have to–” Kaneki began at the same time Hide said, “Kaneki, what–”

Neither of them got to finish their sentences. The doors opened and Shinohara reappeared, his eyes scanning the room momentarily before settling on Hide and heading towards them.

“Hey, Akira requested you as soon as possible. She said it’s important,” Shinohara reported and Hide groaned.

“Damn it,” he murmured and Shinohara, misinterpreting the situation, patted Hide on the back.

“I don’t think it’s anything bad. Juuzou and I will watch over this lot,” he laughed good-naturedly. Hide gave a weak grin and nodded as Shinohara wandered off with a call of “Don’t make her wait too long!”

When Hide looked back over to Kaneki, the boy was quivering, his face clammy and white as a sheet. 

“Look, ‘Neki-”  _ Wait, ‘Neki,’ what the fuck, where did  _ that  _ come from? _ “I’m sorry. I’ll try to be really quick, okay? I can’t help it, I’m so sorry.”

“Hide, no, please,” Kaneki pleaded and Hide wanted to just lay down right there and hug Kaneki and protect him from the world. 

“I’m sorry. If anything happens, go to Shinohara, alright?” Hide ordered and Kaneki gave a meek nod.

Kaneki was internally screaming, battling thoughts of  _ what am I going to do? _ and  _ why am I so selfish, of course Hide is busy doing other things _ . 

“Y-Yeah! You’ll be b-back, right?” Kaneki asked in a small voice and Hide gave him a grin.

“Of course I will!” Hide laughed and Kaneki nervously nodded. With a final rub of his hair, Hide was exiting the room and Kaneki felt the instinct to follow him crawling under his skin.

Kaneki glanced around the room, eyes finding Naki right away. The man from Kaneki’s memories was grinning straight at him as he started to walk his way. Urgently, Kaneki scampered towards where Tsukiyama stood with Kanae.

“Ah, Kaneki,” Tsukiyama greeted kindly. Kanae gave a small huff, rolling his eyes. Tsukiyama, ignoring the other boy, gave Kaneki a gracious smile. “Is something troubling you?” 

“N-No! I mean, I’m j-just nervous, around so many people,” Kaneki lied easily, raising a hand to his chin. Tsukiyama took the answer and gave Kaneki a sympathetic nod. 

“Oui, it must be quite overwhelming for you,” he agreed. Kanae blew out a breath loudly and Tsukiyama sent him a look.

“I just… I didn’t want to be alone is all,” Kankei admitted. It was half true, at least; he really  _ didn’t  _ want to be alone, but not for the reasons that they might have been thinking of. 

“So, what are you in for anyways?” Kanae asked suddenly and Kaneki felt himself pale. He really wasn’t sure how to answer this question. 

“Kanae! Don’t be so abrupt! Desole, monsieur. You don’t have to answer,” Tsukiyama apologized, making Kanae redden in shame. Kaneki bit the inside of his cheek. He needed to make some friends in here, especially since Naki was now looming around. Besides, what harm could it do if Kaneki didn’t elaborate? 

“It’s okay. I’m, um. I’m schizophrenic,” Kaneki told the two men, almost braced for their judgement. Surprisingly, they took the statement with ease. 

“That’s not too bad,” Kanae groaned, as if he was expecting something much more gruesome and despiseable. 

It was ironic, considering the fact that he hardly told them anything. If he sat there and explained his whole life to them, he was sure that they’d be disgusted and afraid. Everything he’d done, everything he couldn’t remember, everything he’d seen. They would turn around and never look at Kaneki again.

“It’s only fair that we share now too, right? We shouldn’t be ashamed of our disabilities,” Tsukiyama said, repeating the mantra that the ward stated over and over again. “I have type one bipolar disorder.”

“Do I have to share?” Kanae complained and Kaneki jumped up immediately. 

“N-No! Of course not!” He said. Kanae nodded, eyes slightly narrowed. 

“Good, because I wasn’t going to–” he began, but Tsukiyama cut him off.

“We’re glad that you feel comfortable enough to open up, Kaneki,” Tsukiyama praised and Kaneki smiled. 

“Yeah! Me too,” Kaneki murmured shyly. Tsukiyama gave a deep laugh, dipping his head slightly in Kaneki’s direction. Before he could get any words out though, Kanae was jumping between them.

“Shuu, I’m not feeling well,” he whined. Tsukiyama placed a hand on his shoulder right away.

“Oh, Kanae. I’m sorry, mon ami. We’ll talk later, oui?” Tsukiyama called out, the pair already shuffling away. Kaneki opened his mouth in protest, but they were already gone.

Fuck.

Fuck _ fuckfuck he was alone and Naki was here and _ –

_ He’s going to kill you if you don’t kill him first,  _ Rize cooed in his ear. Kaneki glanced over at her standing at his side, her hands clasped together behind her back.  _ Trust me Kaneki, they’re here to get you because you can rat them out. If Naki finds out that you remember _ – _ which, he’s already qutie sure _ –  _ then he’ll tell Jason and the moment you step foot outside this place, he’ll have you dead. _

Kaneki was frozen, eyes staring at his feet, mind racing with stray frantic thoughts. He didn’t know what to do in this situation. He could go to Shinohara, like Hide suggested, but Kaneki didn’t  _ know  _ him. Shinohara could know Jason too,  _ he could be working with him _ . 

“Aye! Kaneki, right?”

Oh God, that voice. It hadn't changed. Kaneki wanted to rip off his ears so that he’d never hear it again. 

Naki suddenly stuck his face into Kaneki’s line of vision, close enough that Kaneki could smell his foul breath. Every muscle in Kaneki’s body tightened, quickly recoiling and backing himself into the corner further. 

“Oh, don’t be shy! C’mon, you ‘n I were buddies!” Naki laughed, crossing his arms. Kaneki glared at him from under his bangs.

“Why are you here?” He forced out, voice hardly above a whisper. Naki leaned in again, successfully making Kaneki back away even more. 

“Hmm, I thought it was a bit obvious,” Naki cackled. Kaneki went to take another step backwards but bumped into the wall instead. Naki took this opportunity to place his hand on the wall, caging Kaneki in.

Naki wasn’t exceptionally strong. Kaneki could stop him right here, he knew that. Even if they did fight, the doctors would surely break them apart before any real damage could be done.

“You’re probably thinkin’ of a way to escape now, arent’cha?” Naki interrupted and Kaneki snapped his focus back. “I wouldn’t do that. See, my big bro has people everywhere. He won’t be happy if he sees that you’re tellin’ everybody about us.” 

“I don’t even remember anything,” Kaneki growled. His fear and anxiety were slowly chipping away. The intense, dark feeling that had been surfacing occasionally was back, threatening to take over again and make Kaneki do something he would surely regret. 

It had happened before in the hospital. It horrified Kaneki to the core, knowing that he was capable of snapping in such a violent manner. 

“So I’ve heard. I’ll be watchin’ ya, got it?” Naki leered. His eyes were flat, aside from the insanity and cruelty that constantly brewed under the surface. Kaneki could see it clearly; it was the gaze of a broken man, one just barely holding onto life.

Kaneki had seen the gaze before when looking in the mirror. 

“May I leave?” Kaneki barked. Naki huffed out a breath.

“Man, already? I missed ya,” he laughed and Kaneki clenched his jaw. He knew that he was slowly losing control, the temptation to smash Naki’s face in right then and there was growing. 

“Please let me past,” he tried again, voice strained. Naki hummed slightly.

“Why should I? S’not like you can make me,” Naki taunted further. 

_ Just kick his legs out, _ Rize purred softly.  _ Then stomp, stomp until he’s choking on that disgusting tongue of his.  _

“Say, do you care about that doctor that’s always stickin’ around? Y’know, the one with the bright hair?” Naki said and Kaneki snapped. 

Before he could attack, a lithe figure jumped in between them. Kaneki’s eyes widened, his fist stopping immediately. 

“Hiya! What’s up?” the small figure giggled. Naki scampered backwards a considerable amount, giving Kaneki the opportunity to assess the intruder. Much to both Kaneki and Naki’s surprise, the stranger was wearing the doctor’s uniform; the only difference was the bright, polka-dotted suspenders keeping the too-large pants up. At first glance the stranger's hair looked like utter chaos. But upon further inspection, Kaneki could see that the coal black colour was split randomly by snowy streaks. The wispy mass of fluffy hair floated by his face and rested on his neck before just barely grazing his shoulders. Odd tufts sprung up everywhere and a few cherry red hair pins were the only thing stopping his bangs from falling upon his pale face. It was a messy look that Kaneki felt wouldn't have fit right on anyone else.

The most noticeable thing about the stranger was the red lines dotting up his neck, under his eye and on his bottom lip. Kaneki stared at them fascinated and the stranger seemed to notice.

“Like my tattoos? They’re cool, huh?!” he sang, tilting his chin up for a better view. “My name’s Suzuya! I’m the fitness instructor and anger management counselor here!” 

“H-Hello,” Kaneki greeted, still shocked at the whole scenario. He had been so, so close to attacking Naki. The realization was settling within him, fear and regret tumbling in his gut. Naki was surely going to tell Jason that Kaneki had been acting violently. This entire confrontation was probably to see if Kaneki would react, and, like the idiot he was, Kaneki fell for the bait.

“Anyways, you guys looked a lil angry, so I thought I’d come over here to see what’s up!” Juuzou clarified and Kaneki smiled gently. For some reason, he felt like Juuzou really was here with pure intentions. After all, why would somebody from Jason’s own group try to interrupt Naki? 

“Nah, we’re fine, thanks,” Naki dismissed offhandedly. Suzuya pouted.

“Oh, c’mon,” Juuzou complained in his childish voice. “Both the newbies fighting already? Something’s up.”

“This doesn’t concern you, darlin’. Man talk,” Naki laughed bitterly, his voice slightly teasing. Kaneki furrowed his brows. He wasn’t certain, but he thought that Suzuya may have been male, despite his feminine voice and petite form. (Of course, during his stay, Hide had explained that there was no way of knowing until the other person shared their pronouns.)

“Man talk?” Suzuya echoed, looking at Naki with his head tilted to the side.

“Yeah, y’know, guys only,” he snorted, as if he were talking to a toddler. Suzuya‘s entire presence seemed to shift, darkening the mood. 

“I  _ am  _ a man,” he muttered darkly. Naki’s eyes widened slightly. He opened his mouth again, most likely prepared to make another snarky comment, but Suzuya seemed to flip the switch back.

“Kanekiiiii, come with me!” Suzuya purred, lurching Kaneki’s way and grabbing his arm. Kaneki tensed, extremely uncomfortable with the contact. 

“Wait!” Naki called out after them, but Suzuya strolled right past, an alarmed Kaneki in tow. 

Kaneki reluctantly allowed himself to be pulled in silence, Suzuya happily humming to himself while Kaneki reasoned internally that Suzuya couldn’t be working with Jason. 

_Doesn’t_ _mean that he’s not out to hurt you anyways_ , Rize mentioned and Kaneki’s pulse picked up once more. 

Suzuya must have noticed Kaneki’s discomfort, because the doctor let him go, clasping his hands behind his back and walking with more of a bounce.

“Sorry for scaring you, mister Kaneki, but you gotta understand that getting you outta there was a better option,” Suzuya said, cheery as ever, as if the entire interaction with Naki hadn’t happened. 

“O-Oh, um, yeah. Thanks. And just Kaneki is fine,” he replied softly. Suzuya glanced over at him, tugging idly on his bottom lip. 

“Sure thing, Kanekiiii,” Suzuya sang again. Everything about him seemed to be childish and fun; his messy hair, disorganized outfit, wide array of colours and strange tattoos, even the way he bounced around and spoke. Yet Kaneki couldn’t shake the sense of forced maturity, the undertones of deep anger and sorrow that showed for a brief second when Naki misgendered him. Suzuya seemed like an undoubtedly complicated character. 

Already Kaneki could feel himself drifting closer to the strange doctor. Kaneki couldn’t help but wonder how a man so strange could score a job like this one. 

“I betcha you’re wondering how I got this job,” Suzuya interrupted and Kaneki visibly startled. 

“A-Ah, of course not–” he began, but Suzuya laughed.

“Don’t lie, Kaneki. It’s okay. Mr. Shinohara, the one from before, he landed me my job here. I went to school for it and stuff. It was boring,” he sighed. Kaneki nodded; he couldn’t picture Suzuya sitting in a classroom and he’d only known the doctor for some minutes. 

“He sounds like a nice man,” Kaneki responded awkwardly. Polite conversation had never been his strong suit. Suzuya hummed in agreement, not seeming to notice Kaneki’s struggles.  _ Maybe this will be easier than I thought, _ Kaneki pondered, mildly pleased. 

“Without him, I wouldn’t be here today! I mean, with my tattoos and… behavior, no other place would have even thought about having me. I’m super duper lucky!” Suzuya chirped and Kaneki half-smiled. 

“How’d you know that… that Naki was bothering me? Not the other way around?” he asked, intrigued. Suzuya let out a chiming laugh. 

“You had the look! I’ve seen it before,” Suzuya stated as if it was simple. Kaneki chose not to prod further, figuring that he wouldn’t get a proper answer out of him even if he tried. 

The two walked quietly again, Kaneki observing his surroundings as Suzuya pranced ahead of him. They were walking towards the front entrance of the ward.

“Hiya, Itou! I’m taking Kaneki here out,” Juuzou sang to the man at the front desk. His head of shaggy, sandy blond hair perked up at their entrance. His rosy cheeks blushed slightly when he smiled widely at Suzuya and Kaneki, his eyes crinkling up. 

“Yeah, no problem! Here, you know what to fill out,” he said in a friendly tone, warm and smooth. Suzuya bounced over to the table, accepting the pen and sheet of paper that Itou slid over. 

“Kaneki, right?” he asked and Kaneki jumped.

“U-Uhm, yes,” he stuttered, looking away sheepishly. Itou gave another warm chuckle and Kaneki saw him hold his hand out.

“I’m Itou Kuramoto, nice to meet you! I hope you’ve enjoyed your stay here,” he introduced and before Kaneki could think it through, he offered his hand to Itou. 

_ Idiot! What if he was with Jason? How can you trust him? You don’t know _ – Rize screeched, but Kaneki did his best to ignore it, focusing instead on how big and smooth Itou’s hand was, so unlike the hands Kaneki was used to feeling on him. Itou’s grip was slightly loose, obviously aware that Kaneki might be uncomfortable. 

“T-Thanks,” Kaneki managed to stutter out, finally looking up to meet Itou’s eyes directly. They were a comforting, deep brown, with a hint of mischievousness dancing around underneath the professionalism. 

“Okayyy, let’s go!” Suzuya interrupted, grabbing Kaneki’s still outstretched arm and hauling him away.

“Have fun!” Itou called out after them, laughter in his voice. Kaneki smiled to himself, following Suzuya with a sense of trust that he didn’t know was left in him. 

“Ohhhh, Itou was flirting with you,” Suzuya giggled. Kaneki snorted, rolling his eyes shyly.

“N-No he wasn’t,” he argued. Suzuya just giggled again, dropping his hold on Kaneki’s arm in favour of jumping up on the curb they were travelling near, his arms out airplane-style.

Kaneki was busy observing everything around him. He hadn’t been outside since the day he’d arrived; the cool air and chirping birds were very welcome.

“Um, Suzuya–” Kaneki started suddenly, but the smaller doctor cut him off.

“Nah, you can call me Juuzou now that we’re alone,” Juuzou said and Kaneki smiled.

“Juuzou,” he started again, “where are we going?”

“The gym, of course!” Juuzou chimed, and Kaneki sighed, continuing to follow without a second thought. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mMmMmMMm bOii this chapter is pretty boring haha oops  
> thank you so much for all your comments!!!!! holy smokes!!!!!  
> thx @ hannah again bLEss

“Hideyoshi,” Akira snapped and Hide felt himself instinctively being pulled to attention. His mind had been wandering, his worries for Kaneki eating away at his mind. The new patient, Naki, seemed to be troubling Kaneki more than he should have. 

“Yes ma’am,” Hide said, forcing his brain back on task. Akira sighed as she took a sip of her coffee.

“I was  _ saying  _ that I dragged you here to speak about your new patient,” she drawled out, cold grey eyes narrowed. Hide, for some reason, felt himself resisting the urge to blush.

“A-Ah, Kaneki? Yeah. He’s a tough one,” Hide laughed awkwardly, the sound trailing off when Akira didn't join in. 

“What have you gotten out of him so far?” Akira demanded. Hide leaned back in his chair, raising an eyebrow.

“Isn't everything our patients tell us confidential, Dr. Mado?” Hide mock-gasped, a hand rising dramatically to his chest. Akira shook her head in (slightly amused, Hide liked to think) exasperation.

“This is a special case,” Akira snorted before going to take another sip and making a face when she found her chipped styrofoam cup empty.  

“Mmm. You might be right,” Hide teased, but Akira only stared at him. Hide threw his arms in the air.

“What do you want me to do, force the information out of him?! He hardly remembers anything!” Hide argued, feeling an intense protectiveness rise over him. 

“You know that’s not what I want. I too want the boy to let himself mend here, but this is a pressing issue. Aogiri has been capturing more and more people and the police keep finding them dead a few days later,” Akira ranted. Hide nodded, running a hand through his hair wearily.

“I know, Akira, I just– He’s fragile, alright? And not in the ‘oh, he’s gonna have a breakdown’ way. He’s fragile in the ‘any second he could fall off the edge and never return’ way,” Hide explained. Akira’s stare remained unfazed.

“I know that, but we can’t afford for more people to die. If you can’t get the memories out of him, the police will,” she said. And Hide gulped, giving her a determined stare. Akira blinked slowly, ever calculating.

“Hideyoshi. You’re gentle and caring. You’re perfect for this job. But if you let your empathy get in the way of a police investigation, then we can assign Kaneki to somebody else,” Akira told him and Hide quickly straightened.

“No! I’ll be fine. He just needs time,” Hide insisted.

“For his sake, I hope you’re right,” Akira sighed and waved her hand in dismissal. Hide rose, retreating from the room quickly while gnawing at his lower lip. The thought of anybody else trying to help Kaneki sent a cold shiver down Hide’s spine. Even though Hide hadn't known the other man for very long, he still felt as if he knew Kaneki better than anyone else in Kaneki’s life had. It was an intense sense of protectiveness and responsibility that confused Hide. 

“Hideyoshi!” Shinohara called suddenly as Hide neared the meeting room. “I'm glad you're back, I was about to leave.” Hide’s eyes scanned the room, confusion and mild distress rising in his mind when he couldn't find the shock of white hair that Hide was so used to. 

“Where’s–” Hide began, but Shinohara cut him off.

“Him and the new guy were having a… heated conversation, if you will. Juuzou stepped in and took him to the gym, I think,” Shinohara explained. Hide’s eyes widened, taking in all of the information. 

“I'm sorry, Shinohara, but I need to find Kaneki,” Hide apologized. Shinohara only waved a hand.

“I figured you’d say that. Go get him,” Shinohara sighed. Hide gave his signature grin, patting Shinohara firmly on the shoulder before jogging out of the room. 

At the main office, the receptionist, Itou, looked surprised to see Hide.

“Ah, hello! Are you checking out early?” Itou asked curiously and Hide shook his head.

“Actually, I was wondering if Juuzou was here with a patient?” he questioned, knowing full well where they were, but not wanting to look… weird? Creepy? Hide wasn’t even sure what he was worried about. 

“Oh! Yes, he left for the gym with the cute newbie, the one with the white hair, Kaneki,” Itou grinned and Hide raised an eyebrow. 

“‘Cute newbie’?” Hide repeated. Everybody knew that Itou was a shameless flirt, but hearing him compliment Kaneki made Hide uneasy. Itou nodded, humming an affirmative. 

“Oh yeah. Super blushy and adorable. But with an aura of danger, y’know?” Itou rambled, unaware of Hide’s discomfort. Both of them being openly into guys, they would usually chat about attractive people; it wasn’t uncommon for the two of them to gossip. 

“Hmm. Well, I'm gonna go grab them, alright?” Hide said, knowing that he sounded colder than usual and scolding himself for it. Itou furrowed his brow, tilting his head in slight confusion.

“Oh, okay. I’ll–” he started, but Hide was already out the door.    
  


 

Kaneki let out a small gasp when they walked into the gym. It was huge with a basketball court, fitness section, and multiple different types of sports they could play. Juuzou showed Kaneki around proudly.

“We share this gym with an old-person’s home!” Juuzou explained. “We have it for some hours and they have it for some hours, though nobody really uses except for me and a few others.”

“It’s very… impressive,” Kaneki complimented. Juuzou beamed as he skipped over to a door labelled ‘Changing Room.’

“O-Oh, Suzu-Juuzou, I don’t really have any gym clothes,” Kaneki admitted. Juuzou waved his hand.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. There’s an outfit in there for you, c’mon,” he laughed. Kaneki felt his heart seize when he noticed that the changing room didn't have stalls. 

“Juuzou, I can’t… Is there somewhere else I can change?” he asked, the panic evident in his voice. Juuzou tilted his head.

“Why?” he asked blatantly. Kaneki paled.

“U-Um, I… well, I have… It’s… I'm uncomfortable,” he stammered and Juuzou sighed. Before Kaneki could say anything else, Juuzou ripped off his own shirt. 

Crisscrossed lines, similar to his tattoos, covered his stomach, in a thin line. Kaneki could see that they were stitched on, the thread the same bright red as his hairclips. It was shocking, seeing the stitching clash with his pale skin, all covering some sort of scar that Kaneki wasn't going to ask about. His frame was skinny, but toned. Kaneki could tell that Juuzou was a lot stronger than he let on. 

“We all have scars, Kaneki,” he said, uncharacteristically serious. “The more you’re ashamed of them, the harder your healing process will be.”

Kaneki started, open mouthed, until Juuzou smiled again, pouncing towards him.

“C’mon now! Take it off! I’ll get you your clothes,” he laughed. Kaneki gulped, clutching the hem of his shirt tentatively. 

Juuzou returned as Kaneki was lifting it over his head. 

“These might be a bit big on you, but I’m sure they’ll do for now,” Juuzou said, making no comments on Kaneki’s gross, still bandaged torso. No questions were asked and Kaneki was silently grateful as he pulled the shirt Juuzou handed him over his head as quick as possible. He felt better in the plain black tank top and dark basketball shorts.

Juuzou was wearing nearly the exact same thing as Kaneki was, but his outfit actually fit him nicely; the shirt Kaneki wore was practically drowning him. Juuzou noticed and laughed melodically and childlike. 

“Ah, we’ll get you a better shirt if ya wanna come back here!” Juuzou promised as they started out of the changing rooms. Kaneki nodded, biting his bottom lip nervously. He had just started walking again recently; he didn’t know if he was going to be able to work out, let alone keep up with Juuzou.

“Alright, Kaneki, let’s begin!” 

  
  


Kaneki was wheezing and they’d only been running for four minutes.

Juuzou whistled at him. “Gosh, you really  _ are _ out of shape!” 

“Y-yeah, that’s not… my choice,” Kaneki gasped out. Juuzou giggled, turning up the speed on his own treadmill so that it no longer matched Kaneki’s.

“Well, don’t overwork yourself, silly. You’ve gotta build up your strength slowly,” he advised. Kaneki simply nodded, unable to talk anymore.

They ended up running for around ten minutes before Kaneki’s weak body gave up. 

He powered off the treadmill, taking two steps off of it and falling to the ground, panting. 

Juuzou kept running, humming some sort of tune to himself, not even bothered by Kaneki quitting. Kaneki caught his breath, watching the bizarre doctor as he ran, noting the fact that his breathing was just starting to pick up. It made Kaneki feel ashamed. Even before his… incident, he still wouldn’t have been able to do what Juuzou was doing. Kaneki was scrawny and weak and always had been. He hated it.

_ “That’s how they like you,” _ his Aunt would coo at him sourly, so Kaneki would leave it that way. His Aunt probably would have yelled at him if he ever tried to work out. 

A few minutes later Juuzou hopped off his treadmill, startling Kaneki back to the present. 

“Are you ready to do something else?” he asked, crouching down beside Kaneki. 

“P-Probably,” Kaneki lied, feeling his legs burning again at the mere thought of more activity. Juuzou raised an eyebrow, giggling at him.

“Liarrrr,” he sang, waving a finger at Kaneki tauntingly. “If you wanna keep building your strength, you gotta speak your mind, yeah?”

“O-Okay, I’m sorry,” Kaneki apologized and Juuzou waved him off.

“We’ll do some arm workouts. That way your scrawny little legs can rest,” he teased. Kaneki nodded, an embarrassed blush rising to his cheeks. 

As they continued, Kaneki found himself enjoying Juuzou’s company, aside from the discomfort that came from working out. Most of the time it was Kaneki sitting on the sidelines, panting, while Juuzou did enough exercise to exhaust three full grown men. Juuzou was pleasant to talk to, easily able to keep the conversation flowing, even with someone like Kaneki. 

“Gosh, that was fun,” Juuzou sighed, finally plopping down beside Kaneki on the bench, criss-cross-applesauce style. Kaneki gave a soft smile; Juuzou had an infectious personality. It was, without a doubt, wild and spontaneous, but at the same time Kaneki could feel that Juuzou had been wronged in some sense. It was that feeling that prompted Kaneki to open up slightly. (But, to be fair, Kaneki’s version of ‘opening up’ was giving small smiles and indulging in mindless conversation.)

“Hey, you did pretty well!” Juuzou laughed, clapping Kaneki on the back. He tensed at the contact, unconsciously leaning away. 

“T-Thank you,” Kaneki stuttered. Juuzou seemed to have taken the hint, sitting back into his original position. They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, simply calming down. Kaneki closed his eyes, head leaned back against the wall. Even with the A.C. in the building, Kaneki was still sweating. He wrinkled his nose, lifting a hand to unstick the material of the shirt from his torso, fanning it slightly. He was sure that he must stink, and the bandages wrapped around him would need to be changed, but Kaneki was simply too exhausted to care. He took in a deep breath and released it, letting himself feel calmed for the moment. 

  
  


Hide was standing outside of the gym, looking at himself and fixing his hair in the reflection. He kept telling himself that there was no particular reason, he just wanted to make sure he wasn’t a complete mess, but Hide knew that there was more to it. 

With a groan, Hide rubbed a hand over his face and opened the gym door. 

He took two strides into the room before freezing. 

Oh.

_ Oh _ . 

Kaneki and Juuzou were both seated on the bench at the other end of the room, obviously cooling down. Juuzou looked as he normally did, still tapping his leg despite having just worked out. 

Kaneki, on the other hand, looked somewhere between  _ oh shit is he alive _ and  _ how does something that ethereal even exist _ . 

His head was tipped back, exposing the pale pane of his neck. His bones were prominent, with sweat glistening on them like it was meant to be there. His collarbones were sharp, as Hide already knew, but he could now fully appreciate the way they dipped and curved, disappearing under the fabric of his low-cut tank top–

Wait. Hide knew that tank top.

That was  _ his tank top _ , the one he wore whenever he worked out. 

Kaneki was  _ wearing Hide’s tank top. _

And he looked damn _ good _ in it. The dark colour against his creamy skin emphasized its smoothness, every inch making Hide practically salivate. Kaneki’s hair was falling over his closed eyes, the stark white strands clumped together somewhat from sweat. Hide’s eyes traced down the slope of his nose to the curve of his lips, plush and pink, slightly parted as he panted faintly. 

It wasn’t until Kaneki tipped his head forwards, dark eyelashes fluttering as his stormy grey eyes opened, that Hide snapped out of his trance and realized that Juuzou had said something. 

“...alright?” Juuzou was saying, but instead of confusion on his face, his eyebrow was arched in a knowing way. Hide blushed, covering it up with a wave of his hand.

“Sorry, Suzuya. I didn’t get much sleep last night,” Hide laughed and Juuzou simply giggled in his innocent yet sagacious way. 

“Yeah, yeah. You want Kaneki, right?” Juuzou chimed and Hide nodded. 

“I mean, I’m his doctor,” he denied, giving Juuzou a look. 

“Mhmm,” he hummed. Hide pouted. Kaneki, bless his soul, looked utterly lost.

“Uhm, Hide? Did you need me for something?” Kaneki piped up, staring at Hide with his wide cat-like eyes and oh my  _ god yes his cheeks were burning now okay _ . 

“Ah, not really! I was just kinda curious where you went,” Hide laughed awkwardly, internally wishing he could fall into the floor. Kaneki blinked a few times and then he smiled,  _ Dear lord _ , a cute, sweaty half-smile, relaxed and real. 

Hide was weak.

“Oh! Okay. We’re done, right Juuzou?” Kaneki asked, glancing over at the other doctor, who was still wiggling his eyebrows at Hide.

“Hm? Yes, you did super well!” he praised and Kaneki blushed. 

“Thank you. I’ll go change and then we can return?” Kaneki said, more of a question than a statement. Hide nodded, sending a beaming grin his way. 

The minute Kaneki was out of sight, Juuzou started laughing hysterically.

“A patient? Really?” he teased and Hide groaned, carding a hand through his hair in distress.

“I didn’t- I don’t- He...” Hide stuttered, making Juuzou laugh harder. Hide huffed out a breath, throwing his hands in the air, sending glares.

“You walked in and your face went so red–” Juuzou taunted, making Hide blush again, much to his amusement. 

“Suzuya, please… You gave him my clothes. That wasn't fair...” Hide whined, not sure what he was aiming for in the first place. Juuzou calmed down, wiping tears from the corners of his eyes and Hide continued, “Aren’t you concerned? He’s a  _ patient _ . A trauma victim. I'm his  _ doctor _ .” 

“You won’t do anything dumb, silly,” Juuzou giggled. Hide smiled gently, knowing the deeper meaning behind those words. Juuzou was saying, ‘I trust you to handle this.’ It comforted him. 

“It still isn't pleasant,” Hide rumbled, sending Juuzou into another fit. “I better go check on him.”

“I’m leaving,” Juuzou announced. Hide nodded, not bothering to ask where. “See ya!”

“Bye, Suzuya,” Hide called out as he opened the changing room door. Inside, Kaneki was slipping on his sockless shoes, glancing up when Hide entered.

“Oh, did Juuzou leave? I didn't get to say thank you or return his clothes,” Kaneki fretted slightly. Hide chuckled, waving a hand.

“Trust me, he knows. As for the clothes, just keep ‘em. They aren't Juuzou’s anyways,” Hide admitted, laughing awkwardly. Kaneki scrunched up his eyebrows in confusion.

“Then whose…?” he began, looking at the red dusting Hide’s cheeks. Hide watched as it clicked in Kaneki’s mind; his own rosy blush coloring his face, highlighting his cheekbones adorably. 

“O-Oh! Do you want…?” Kaneki started again and Hide waved a hand, cutting him off.

“Nah man, it’s fine. I hardly use them anyways. Plus, I think you’ll be coming back here, hmm?”  _ They look better on you. Please continue to sweat in my clothes. Please continue to let me watch you sweat in my clothes.  _

“Thank you, Hide!” Kaneki said, voice cheery, and Hide felt like actually exploding then and there. The workout seemed to have calmed Kaneki; he was in an open mood, smiling and somewhat talkative. Hide was grateful for this newfound meditation.

“Hey, don’t worry about it!” Hide laughed back, his mood also heightened. He beamed as brightly as he could at Kaneki, trying to convey his pride through one smile, hoping that he wasn’t coming off too strong.

Kaneki was too dazed to respond.

Hide was simply shining, eyes nearly completely closed from the sheer force of his own smile. Dimples had cut into his cheeks adorably, his nose crinkling just slightly. His hair was tousled, the brown roots more prominent than usual, and Kaneki found that he absolutely loved it. 

He was also busy imagining Hide in the very tank top that Kaneki was wearing then. Shoulders and chest filling up the fabric nicely, his back muscles very visible. It nearly sent a shiver down Kaneki’s spine. 

It was strange for him. Kaneki had never felt any sort of attraction, romantically or physically, to anybody in his life. Then suddenly there was Hide, collecting the shattered pieces of Kaneki and putting him back together, all the while acting like the literal fucking sun. He was like a dream to Kaneki, something so good that it couldn't possibly be true. He kept expecting to wake up, for Hide to suddenly disappear or be taken away from him. 

Yet there he was, smiling at Kaneki with _ that smile _ and giving him clothes and going out to search for Kaneki and  _ actually giving a shit _ about Kaneki.    
For the first time in his life, Kaneki felt himself starting to get attached. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha this took 8 years,, thx @ Bulla124 ily

“So, what you’re saying is that you’ve never seen Star Wars?” Hide gasped for the third time, making Kaneki chuckle.

  
“I have never seen Star Wars,” Kaneki repeated and Hide made a pained noise.

  
“Oh, god, don’t say it out loud. You’re paining me,” Hide sighed dramatically. Kaneki just shrugged at him, taking a deep breath of the crisp air. He missed being outside, he decided, despite the constant worry that was gnawing away at his mind.

  
Hide relaxed him, somewhat; the threat of Jason attacking him was lessened because of Hide’s presence. He felt more secure.

  
“So listen, you need to watch Star Wars,” Hide demanded. Kaneki nodded.

  
“I’ll remember that,” he lied and Hide shook his head.

  
“No, Kaneki. Listen. You need to watch Star Wars. I don’t think you understand,” Hide cried again. Kaneki nodded again. They kept going in circles, Hide enlightening Kaneki about the wonders of Star Wars and Kaneki nodding along. The walk was comfortable, Kaneki thought. Peaceful.

At least until they got back to the hospital.

  
A single police car was parked near the doors. Nobody was inside it, which made Hide worry.

  
“H-Hide?” Kaneki stuttered, eyes wide. Hide grinned at him reassuringly, waving a hand.

  
“Don’t worry ‘bout it, yeah? I’m sure it’s nothing,” he laughed, but it sounded fake.

  
Kaneki was worrying. A lot. The last time he saw police cars it involved a lot of crying and pain and relief and fear, many emotions that Kaneki didn’t want to feel again.

  
“Hideyoshi,” they heard Shinohara call the minute he caught sight of them. “Some police officers want to speak with Kaneki.”

  
“O-Oh,” Kaneki whispered as Hide (against his better judgement) gently placed a hand on his back.

  
Surprisingly Kaneki didn’t seem to mind, instead choosing to lean into Hide slightly.

  
“I’ll work this out, okay? Don’t worry,” Hide reassured. Kaneki nodded weakly, following Hide as they walked into the building.

  
Hide saw Akira first, standing stiff, her arms crossed.

  
“Hideyoshi,” Akira said in a tight voice, “Arima is here to speak with Kaneki.”

  
Hide felt betrayal rush over him. Hadn’t she said that she would give Hide more time?

  
“What about?” Hide asked and Akira glared at him in warning.

  
“I think you’re aware of what he means to discuss,” she snapped back, motioning for Kaneki to follow her. Hide felt Kaneki flinch beside him before starting to advance.

  
“Wait,” Hide interrupted, holding out a hand for Kaneki to halt. “I really don’t think Kaneki’s in the right mindset to–”

  
“I can’t control this, Hideyoshi. Kaneki, this way,” Akira said and Kaneki started forwards again, glancing back uneasily towards Hide who gave an apologetic smile. He waited until they’d turned the corner before trailing after them.

 

Kaneki was nervous, to say the least. Akira alone had an intimidating presence and if she was following orders from this police officer then he must be terrifying.

  
“Right in here,” Akira said suddenly, holding a door open for Kaneki to enter. He did so without complaint, his legs starting to feel weak again. Inside the room there was two people around an empty desk, their gazes making Kaneki shiver. One man was standing as if he’d been pacing, his dark hair cut into a bob-style. The other man was seated, posture stiff, oozing professionalism.

  
“Arima, Ui, this is Kaneki,” Akira introduced in a tight voice while giving a small dip of her head before exiting, closing the door behind her. Kaneki really didn’t know what to do and it was making him worry.

  
“Hello,” the standing man said, walking towards Kaneki and holding out his hand. “My name is Ui and my partner is Arima. We’re special investigators.”

  
“H-Hi,” Kaneki managed, placing his hand timidly in Ui’s. The other man, Arima, stayed silent, his eyes evaluating Kaneki in a way that sent shivers down his spine.

  
“Do you mind taking a seat?” Ui asked, holding out a hand to the empty chair across the table from Arima. Kaneki nodded meekly, scurrying to the chair and sitting down. Kaneki felt hopelessly alone in this situation. He knew what was about to come, what the officers wanted of him, and it made dread settle in the pit of his stomach.

  
Ui and Arima worked as a unit, seemingly reading each other's minds. Kaneki saw Arima give the slightest of nods towards Ui and suddenly the dark-haired man was pacing again.

  
“So, we’re here to question you,” Ui said abruptly and Kaneki tensed his jaw. “I’d advise just telling us as much as you know. Answer the questions as best as you can. Arima here is known to read people with ease. He’s cracked more cases than humanly possible, so hiding things from him isn’t easy. Yeah?”

  
“Y-Yes,” Kaneki squeaked and Ui hummed.

  
“Perfect. So, please tell us how Aogiri managed to capture you,” Ui demanded. Already Kaneki could feel his chest tightening. He felt so alone, so uncomfortable, so isolated and afraid. His old wounds were being torn open again.

  
Seeing Kaneki’s struggle, Ui sighed, “we’re only asking you all this so we can prevent it from happening to others. Any information helps.”

  
Kaneki took a steadying breath, closing his eyes for a second. He thought of Hide, how he would be strong in this situation.

  
“M-My Aunt, she- she… bought from them, and they, um. Came over often,” Kaneki admitted, hoping that his jumbled sentence would be enough of an answer. He felt Arima’s cold eyes glaring into him, but not in a menacing way. It was calculating and apprehensive, yet so emotionless. His eyes drifted back to Ui, who had an eyebrow raised.

  
“Did they ever have any connection to you?” Ui questioned and Kaneki resisted the urge to tense up.

“No,” he said too quickly, too coldly. Ui tsked at him and Kaneki let out a shaky breath, trying to calm himself down.

  
“T-They… I… I can’t…” Kaneki trailed off, unable to say it. Surprisingly, it was Arima who nodded, signalling for Ui to change the topic.

  
“So, why did they take you?” he asked and Kaneki shook his head.

  
“M-My Aunt… owed money? I t-think, I don’t- they never t-told me,” Kaneki said. Ui hummed, thinking, and Kaneki bit the inside of his cheek.

  
“Do you know anything about where they took you? Anything at all. Landmarks, descriptions of an area, et cetera?” Ui inquired. Kaneki felt his gut churning as more and more memories began to resurface.

  
“T-There was… dirt? I was d-dragged across the dirt…” Kaneki murmured, unhelpfully, but all he’d been able to think while he was being captured was a mantra of oh, no, oh fuck, please help me please _pleasepleaseno–_  
“What else do you remember?” Ui pushed and Kaneki flinched.

  
“It smelled b-bad,” Kaneki recalled. Blood and sweat and rot and something else that he couldn’t place. “Like...like death.”

  
“So, maybe a butcher’s shop or something of the like?” Ui offered. Kaneki shook his head rapidly.

  
“N-Not animals,” he whispered, feeling like he could still smell it lingering under his nose. The horrid smell clogging his nostrils and throat, settling on his skin and almost becoming a part of him.

  
Kaneki knew he was losing his focus. Felt himself slipping. His patience was ebbing away, slowly, the feeling of loneliness and pressure and fear sending him into a distressed state of mind.

  
Kaneki thought of Hide again, this time beside him, a steadying hand on his shoulder soothing him. He thought of Hide’s laugh, his freckles, his hair, his eyes and Kaneki successfully calmed himself. Ui nodded again, obviously giving Kaneki time to readjust before continuing.

  
“So, like there’d been many human corpses?” he said and Kaneki choked back a distressed noise, answering only with a weak nod of his head.

  
“How many people did you come in contact with?”

  
“I- I can’t… a lot? T-There was…”

  
Hands touching, poking, prodding, ripping and dragging. Different hands, different voices, different intentions behind their touches. Different reactions to his screams.

  
“So, you’re saying that there was many different people at the facility?” Ui snapped him out of his thoughts. Kaneki made an affirmative noise.

  
“I w-was blindfolded most the time,” he said, a hand unconsciously lifting to scratch at his wrist.

  
“Do you know how many other prisoners there were?”

  
“I d-don’t know,” Kaneki admitted, in earnest this time. “H-He didn’t let us talk t-to each other m-most of the time…”

  
Kaneki was remembering now, too much. He was starting to shake, but trying to stay focused because he needed to help. He needed to be able help others because he couldn’t save his family. He couldn’t protect his Mother, or his Aunt, or that other girl, or–

  
“Kaneki, did you see Jason?” Arima said suddenly, voice cold and deep. It was more of a command than a question, pulling Kaneki from his darkening thoughts. It grounded him somewhat, surprisingly enough.

  
“H-He wore a mask,” Kaneki told them, staring into Arima’s soulless eyes. It would have been unnerving, under different circumstances, seeing somebody so void and unresponsive, yet so attentive. But Kaneki found himself being soothed, almost, by the strictness in Arima’s presence. He felt less judged, less nervous, even though Arima was very intimidating.

  
“So you didn’t see his face? At all?” Ui continued and Kaneki started shaking his head before he stopped.

  
“W-Well, I… I don’t remember a lot o-of it,” Kaneki stuttered, catching both of the men’s attention.

  
“You could have possibly seen his face then?” Ui rearranged his earlier question and Kaneki yelped out an affirmative. There was a few beats of silence and Kaneki felt like it was almost worse than when he was being questioned; the tension in the room was palpable, a weight on Kaneki’s shoulders.

  
“Okay,” Ui said finally, breaking the eerie silence, though Arima’s cold gaze didn’t waver. “Can you tell us about what they did to you?”

  
No, Kaneki wanted to scream. No, I can’t tell you, because the memories alone make me want to rip open my own skin so that I can crawl away and die alone.

“They...h-hurt me,” Kaneki muttered warily. Ui waved his hand, as if to say and?

  
“If you want to help, you need to elaborate,” he sighed impatiently. Kaneki just shook his head, curling into himself slightly on the chair. Every one of his limbs felt weak and his lungs felt like they were filled with smoke, burning his throat every time he exhaled.

  
“I c-can’t… they j-just–” Kaneki started, voice borderline hysterical. “They did whatever t-they felt like…”

  
“Basically, they tortured you?” Arima clarified again, prompting Kaneki to look up, meeting his stare. It was still cool and collected, dull and emotionless, and Kaneki found himself once again admiring Arima’s apparent skill. In the back of his mind Kaneki wished he could maintain that composure. Instead, he nodded, dipping his head again.

  
“Did you speak directly with anybody?” Ui took control again. Kaneki’s mouth was so dry that his words were getting caught in his throat, unable to surface, as if they wanted to stay trapped inside of him.   
“J-Jason said… he didn’t s-say anything relevant,” Kaneki stammered. He wasn’t sure how to phrase the things Jason had hissed cruelly in his ear. It wasn’t relevant, in a way; he’d only cackled and spat disgusting things occasionally, about how _gorgeous_ Kaneki’s blood was and how _pretty_ he looked all tied up and how Jason was gonna _tear him apart until he was nothing but a heap of gore and–_

  
“Kaneki.” Arima’s voice. Demanding. Right. He was in an interrogation. “What kinds of things did he say?”

  
“Crude t-things,” Kaneki gasped, his eyes snapping back into focus. Arima nodded in partial understanding and Ui jumped back into the conversation.

  
“You didn’t speak to anybody else? The entire time?” Ui clarified and Kaneki shook his head. He found that focusing on a crack in the wood of the desk in front of him was helping his concentration. If he watched the crack in the wood, his mind wouldn’t be able to wander.

  
“There was one girl,” Kaneki recalled. “But she… she d-died.”

  
“How?” Ui asked, of course, and Kaneki tried to answer, he really did. But when he opened his mouth no sound came out. He remembered her, the girl. Remembered what happened to her. Remembered that it was his own fault.

  
“Why does it _matter_?!” Kaneki finally snapped, his fingers seeming to crack on their own. He regretted it right away, shrinking down into his seat, hands stopping the cracking to grasp his hair.

  
“Kaneki,” Arima said again and Kaneki really did try to calm himself down. Yet, even as he thought of Hide, even as he thought about helping others, he couldn’t stop his mind from returning to that dark place. The pain, the screams, the hopelessness.

  
At this point his breathing was rapid, his body completely stiff, like he was being compressed into a tight ball. His body was freezing, as if was ice running through his veins, and he wanted to run, to get away from the horrid memories plaguing his thoughts, but he couldn’t. All of the oxygen was sucked out of his lungs and he felt like he was drowning, his vision tunneling.

  
“H-Hide,” Kaneki gasped out in a watery voice. “P-Please, I need… I n-need Hide.”

 

 

Hideyoshi had been listening to the whole conversation, of course.

  
The minute that Akira was out of the room, Hide had scurried forwards, placing his ear to the door.

  
One of the people in there was loud enough that Hide heard everything clearly. Arima, who Hide knew for a fact was present, was too quiet to be heard at all. Occasionally, he would hear part of a response from Kaneki and his voice was so weak that it pained Hide.

  
It went quiet for awhile until Hide heard Kaneki snap.

  
“Why does it _matter_?!” Kaneki yelled and Hide jumped away from the door, eyes widening. Kaneki sounded so bitter, so angry and defeated, unlike anything Hide had ever heard from the boy before. Once again the inside of the room became hushed and Hide found himself pressed up against the door again, occasionally glancing for Akira over his shoulder.

  
“Hey, woah, calm down,” said the other man in the room, whose voice Hide couldn’t place. Hide felt a fearful dip in his gut.

  
“H-Hide,” Kaneki’s voice gasped brokenly and Hide felt like crying. “P-Please, I need… I n-need Hide.”

  
Yeah, okay, that’s enough, Hide thought, letting himself into the room without as much as a knock. His eyes found Kaneki right away, curled up into a ball and shaking on a chair. He made his way in front of the white-haired boy. Gently, Hide placed his hands on Kaneki’s shoulders, making sure to coo quietly. Kaneki jumped anyways, his head snapping up like he’d been burned, before realizing that it was Hide in front of him and slumping again.

  
“Hey, it’s okay, I’m here,” Hide murmured and Kaneki let out a shaky whimper. Hide read the situation with ease, taking in Kaneki’s rapid breaths and hazy eyes.   
“H-H-Hi–” Kaneki tried, but his little gasps cut him off.

  
“Breathe with me,” Hide commanded in a soft voice before taking in a slow, deep breath. Kaneki tried to follow, but failed miserably, tears continuing to drip off his chin.

  
They sat like that for a little, until Kaneki could breathe (somewhat.) Once it was finally quiet, the man interrupted them.

  
“Thank you, Doctor…” he said coldly and Hide resisted the urge to actually growl.

  
“Nagachika,” he supplied, equally as dull. He stood up and turned to face them, keeping his hand in Kaneki’s behind his back.

  
“Thank you for calming him down, Doctor Nagachika. If you could let yourself out, we’ll continue,” he droned and Hide let out a sarcastic laugh.

  
“You’re kidding, right?” Hide asked, and the man shook his head.

  
“We need to continue our investigation,” he reasoned.

  
“Yeah, maybe later. Kaneki just had a panic attack– I really don’t think he’s up to keep talking,” Hide argued. He felt Kaneki’s hand squeeze his weakly, a silent thank you.

  
“Excuse me, _Dr. Nagachika_ –” Yep, that was a sneer, oh _man_ Hide hated this guy– “but I don’t think that this is your decision. We’ll handle our investigation as we see fit–”

  
“Ui,” Arima said suddenly and Hide physically jolted. The man, Ui, snapped his mouth shut. “Dr. Nagachika, we’d like to work with Kaneki as much as possible. We will continue to receive information; if you come up with more comfortable methods, then we will oblige.”

  
 _Oh, wow, he’s intimidating_ , Hide thought with a shiver, bowing his head slightly in Arima’s direction.

  
“If you’ll excuse me for a moment,” he said, before turning back around to look at Kaneki. He was zoned out, thankfully, his breathing slower than it was before.

  
“Hey, come with me,” Hide muttered softly. Kaneki wobbled to his feet, with Hide’s help of course, and they made their way out the door.

  
They made it back to the front lobby where Itou was sitting.

  
“Yo, Itou. Can you sit with him for a minute?” Hide asked and Itou jumped up immediately.

  
“What happened?” he questioned in a worried voice, but Hide just shook his head, helping Kaneki into a chair.

  
“I’ll be right back, okay? Itou’s here, you can trust him, yeah?” Hide whispered, pushing Kaneki’s bangs back. Kaneki nodded, small and quick, and Hide was gone, returning to the room.

  
It was dead silent when Hide reentered. Arima was staring with a dead expression, making Hide want to squirm away.

  
“Okay, so, I can get the information for you. Instead of putting pressure on him like this, why don’t I… I don’t know, I’ll ask him things throughout the week. If he can’t answer, I’ll have him write it down or something? I’ll coax it out of him in a gentler way,” Hide offered, resisting the urge to run a hand over his tired eyes.

  
“We don’t have that much time,” Ui argued. “People are dying.”

  
“You won’t get any information from him if you continue like this,” Hide said, making Ui clench his jaw angrily.

  
“If you don’t get a sufficient amount of information in a week, then we will resume our interrogation. That’ll be all, Dr. Nagachika,” Arima concluded. He still looked so… emotionless, it made Hide unsettled. Ui, on the other hand, looked as if he was trying to swallow an entire lemon.

  
“Thank you for your time,” Arima said, holding out his hand for Hide to shake. Hide did so, a little surprised at how gentle Arima’s grip was.

  
“We’ll be back,” Ui said, slightly threateningly. He shook Hide’s hand as well, leaning in close to whisper, “and we better get that information. If we don’t, there will be consequences. For both of you.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thx @Bulla124 ily

Hide let all of the air rush from his lungs as soon as the door clicked. Rubbing a hand over his face, he leaned onto the wall for a moment, letting himself collect his bearings. 

_ What have I gotten myself into? _ he thought bitterly. He felt part hatred for the cops, part fear for Kaneki, part disappointment for not being able to help him more. 

At the thought of Kaneki, Hide started out the door, slightly worried for the other boy. Arima and Ui seemed to have dug up some things that Kaneki hadn’t even told Hide yet. A new worry blossomed in Hide’s chest, making him gnaw on the inside of his lip. 

The sound of laughter made him freeze.

It wasn’t Kaneki’s laughter, it was Itou’s. Yet, when Hide turned the corner, he saw a small smile on Kaneki’s face as he watched Itou tell some bizarre story. Instead of the relief Hide would have usually felt, he noticed a darker feeling pooling in his gut, dark and foul. Ignoring the feeling, Hide made his way over to them,  _ not  _ noticing how close they sat, not noticing how Kaneki seemed to be relaxed, and  _ absolutely not  _ noticing the way that Itou placed his hand gently on Kaneki’s, leaning in maybe a  _ little  _ too close to whisper the dramatic part of his tale. 

Itou noticed Hide first and spoke without moving from Kaneki’s side.

“Hide! You’re back! I was just telling Kaneki about the time when–” Itou started, but Hide cut him off, voice far too cheerful.

“Well, I’m sure you’re tired, Kaneki. Let me lead you back to your room, yeah?” Hide offered. His voice was loud, louder than usual, and Itou and Kaneki both looked startled.

“Uh, y-yeah,” Kaneki stuttered, his eyes staring uncertainly at Hide and he automatically felt guilty. 

“Thanks, Itou,” Hide said more gently, his jealousy washing away once Kaneki was at his side again. 

“T-Thank you!” Kaneki called out while trying to keep up with Hide. 

Hide could tell that Kaneki was struggling with something. His eyes were trained on the floor as they walked, his eyebrows pinched together tightly, as if a headache was brewing. Hide could assume that it was from the memories that had been resurfaced.

“Hey, ‘Neki, you feeling alright?” Hide asked, tempted to place a comforting hand on his back, but refraining. Kaneki looked up at the mention of his name, giving Hide a tiny smile. 

“Yeah! I-I’m just… tired, is all,” he admitted. Hide nodded, chewing the inside of his cheek subtly. Kaneki had been smiling more often and it pleased Hide to know that Kaneki was improving. 

“Have you been sleeping okay?” Hide questioned, more out of obligation than anything; he knew for a fact that Kaneki didn’t sleep well. 

“Y-Yes!” Kaneki stuttered out, too quickly, while his hand rose to rub his chin. Hide only raised an eyebrow which Kaneki promptly ignored. 

While walking, they passed the small rec room where all of the hospital’s other patients were currently doing some sort of activity together. Hide noticed Kaneki’s interest, but he also noticed the way that Kaneki shrunk once he caught sight of the new patient, Naki. 

Juuzou noticed them passing from inside and waved happily at Kaneki. To Hide’s surprise, Kaneki smiled again, waving back with enthusiasm. 

“You seem to like Suzuya,” Hide observed, making Kaneki blush slightly. 

“He seems to really… understand? I dunno,” Kaneki muttered nervously. Hide hummed. 

“That’s good, Kaneki! Suzuya’s a great doctor! If you’d like, you can start having sessions with him,” Hide offered and Kaneki seemed to brighten slightly. 

“That sounds nice,” Kaneki said and Hide really wanted to ruffle his hair. Like  _ really  _ wanted to. Instead, he settled on giving Kaneki the brightest grin he could manage. 

“Do you think that I can talk to Tsukiyama tomorrow? H-He seemed like a good person and I just wanted to try… try doing things again, I guess,” Kaneki asked, to which Hide actually did cave in and gently pat his head. Kaneki looked startled, eyes wide, but not afraid. 

“That’s amazing! Of course you can join in!” Hide laughed, moving his hand off Kaneki’s hair. Kaneki grinned, the blush still on his cheeks. 

“O-Okay!” 

  
  


“I’ll come get you in the morning, sleep well,” Hide called, smiling at Kaneki before shutting his door. Kaneki let his small smile drop, his headache reaching new heights. 

All day he’d been suppressing her. All day he’d managed to keep her in the back of his mind, been able to focus.

_ You didn’t think you could get rid of me, did you _ ? Rize laughed, suddenly with him again. Kaneki groaned, rubbing his hands over his face and falling onto the bed. 

“Go away,” he grumbled, making Rize cackle some more. 

_ Hmmm? But aren’t you worried that those cops will figure it out?  _

Against his better judgement, Kaneki responded. 

“Figure out what?” 

_ You really don’t remember _ , Rize purred. Kaneki could feel her fingers ghosting over his skin, her voice echoing through his mind. Frustrated, Kaneki jumped off the bed, backing into the corner of his small room.

“Quit  _ toying  _ with me,” Kaneki snapped, bristling. His headache was downright torturous and he felt too hot, burning everywhere. 

_ Well, I’m not going to just _ tell  _ you what you did _ , Rize snickered.  _ That'd be boring _ . 

“Please,” Kaneki choked out suddenly, falling to his knees in that corner. He didn’t know what he was begging for exactly. The truth? Sweet ignorance? Some peace and quiet?

_ Oh Kaneki, you don’t know anything. Poor Kaneki, so innocent, so damaged. But… do you know that for sure?  _ Rize tittered and Kaneki snapped his head up.

“W-What do you mean?” Kaneki stuttered and Rize’s small tsk of disapproval sent shivers down his spine; her breath felt so cold even though Kaneki knew she wasn’t real.

_ That’s right, she’s not real, _ Kaneki reminded himself.  _ Why am I listening to her? _

_ Mmm, nevermind. But, you know that Naki’s watching you, right? _ Rize said suddenly, startling Kaneki.  _ You know that he’s going to try to hurt you _ . 

“What do you expect me to do about it?” Kaneki growled, clenching his jaw. He felt sick, not right. Something was wrong. 

_ Get him before he gets you,  _ Rize insisted, and Kaneki rolled his eyes.

“Great plan,” he snorted, trying to steady his breaths. He was so tired, so completely done. His body ached from a mixture of his reopened wounds and his sudden physical exertion. He vaguely registered that Rize was still talking, but managed to shut her out. Too tired to crawl back to his bed two meters away, Kaneki curled up in the corner, his eyes drooping shut on their own. 

Faintly, he recognized that Rize was yelling at him, complaining about Naki or the police or something else that Kaneki didn’t want to bother with. 

Slowly, he felt himself fall asleep, tired enough to completely drown out Rize’s shrill screams of outrage. He was doing so well, actually about to rest, when–

_ You want to sleep? Fine, Kaneki. Sweet dreams. _

 

_ He was back with Jason, but it was different. He was blindfolded but not chained up; he was laying on the floor, too weak to move. His ears were ringing, but he didn’t remember from what.  _

_ “Kaneki,” he heard Jason’s familiar voice purr from above. Kaneki didn’t respond, playing dead. _

_ A voice laughed, but it wasn’t Jason.  _

_ It was Rize. _

_ “Aw, look. This one’s smart,” Rize’s voice said, and instantly a heeled shoe was digging into his side over the bleeding incisions that Jason had painted him with. Kaneki cried out, curling into a ball as a weak attempt to protect himself.  _

_ Kaneki wanted to say something, wanted to plead or scream or yell, but his throat was too dry for him to make noises louder than hoarse whimpers.  _

_ “When are you going to get rid of him? You know it’s risky, leaving him alive like this,” Rize was saying as if Kaneki wasn’t there.  _

_ “But he’s such a malleable plaything,” Jason sang and Kaneki felt his hand running down his spine. He knew better than to flinch away from the unwanted touch. “See how well trained he is?”  _

_ “It doesn’t matter. You’re being idiotic,” Rize complained and Jason’s hand froze its disgusting ministrations on Kaneki’s back.  _

_ “What did you say?” Jason growled. Kaneki knew that tone. He would remember that intimidating, deep timbre for the rest of his life.  _

_ “I  _ said _ that _ – _ ” Rize started, voice rising, but a loud slap cut her off, followed by a quiet grunt of pain. _

_ “Remember your fucking place,” Jason spat. Kaneki knew that Jason would stay angry. He knew that because of Rize, Jason would take his anger out on Kaneki instead.  _

_ But at this point Kaneki didn’t think things could get any worse. _

_ Of course, he was wrong. _

 

_ “Kaneki, my pet. I have a surprise for you,” Jason called out later, re-entering the chamber. Kaneki, still blindfolded and laying on the floor, didn’t respond; even if he wanted to he didn’t think his throat could even manage whimpers anymore.  _

_ “Sit up,” Jason commanded. Kaneki tried, but found that his arms were unable to even move. He thought that he might have tried to kill himself at one point and that was why his arms weren’t working properly, but he wasn’t sure. He hardly remembered anything but pain and misery.  _

_ “Ah, look at you. Can’t even get up. Don’t worry, I’ll help you,” Jason laughed, his meaty hands hauling Kaneki up roughly from under the shoulders.  _

_ Kaneki groaned quietly, the pain so intense that white flashed behind his eyes. Jason sat him roughly into the chair he’d become so familiar with, chaining his wrists and ankles down.  _

_ “Meet my new friends,” Jason laughed and suddenly Kaneki felt  _ something  _ running over his arm.  _

_ “No,” he tried to say, but nothing came out. Jason placed another one down, and Kaneki wanted to scream. _

_ “Chinese red-headed centipedes,” Jason explained. “Temperamental creatures, I find.” _

_ Kaneki really wished he’d succeeded in dying.  _

_ “Open your mouth, Kaneki!” _

 

With a startle, Kaneki’s eyes flew open, hitting his head on the wall when he tried to move away. 

“S-Shinohara?” Kaneki stuttered, still half in his dream, shivers wracking his body. 

“Yeah, it’s me, don’t worry,” Shinohara soothed. Kaneki calmed down slightly; Shinohara had a calming presence. 

_ You can’t trust him, Kaneki, you don’t know him _ – Rize started right away. 

“Are you feeling okay? You’re burning up,” Shinohara observed, a frown on his face. Kaneki shook his head, feeling like he was about to vomit. 

“I-I’m okay, I just… had a bad dream is all,” he lied, a hand on his chin. Shinohara held up a hand.

“Can I feel your forehead?” he asked softly. Kaneki nodded, closing his eyes when Shinohara’s cool hand met his flaming skin. He felt like he was melting, yet his teeth were chattering, shivers still making him tremble. It was more than just the aftershocks of his dream, he knew that. Idly in the back of his mind he wondered why Shinohara was here. Or why he didn’t question Kaneki’s odd position in the corner of the room. 

“You have a fever,” Shinohara diagnosed and Kaneki looked away, ashamed.

“I’m sorry,” Kaneki muttered and Shinohara made a small noise.

“It’s… It’s fine, Kaneki. Would you like me to get Hide for you? I know you’re more comfortable around him,” Shinohara offered and Kaneki winced. 

“I-If it’s not too much trouble,” Kaneki said shyly, feeling weak, burdensome. Shinohara hummed softly, shaking his head. 

“Not at all! Here, take your pills first, then I’ll get him for you,” Shinohara said, handing Kaneki his medication and a styrofoam cup of water. Kaneki swallowed them easily, opening his mouth to show Shinohara, who nodded in approval. 

“I’ll go get Hide, okay?” Shinohara reassured, giving Kaneki a smile before leaving. 

_ Did you enjoy your sleep? _ Rize cackled once Shinohara was gone and Kaneki cracked his finger uneasily. 

“You knew Jason,” he muttered coldly causing Rize to let out a snotty laugh.

_ We’ve got a genius on our hands, _ Rize taunted.  _ You and I were quite close, Kaneki _ . 

“Why are you in my head then?” Kaneki hissed, to which Rize simply started humming an oddly familiar tune.

“Kaneki?” Hide’s voice interrupted and Kaneki jolted, forcing himself to stand unsteadily. 

“M-Morning, Hide,” Kaneki greeted with as much normalcy as he could muster. 

“Shinohara said you weren’t feel–” Hide started, but cut off once he caught sight of Kaneki. “Yeah, you’re sick.”

“N-No!” Kaneki practically yelled, catching himself. “I m-mean, I’m fine, really!”

“Kaneki, you’re white as a sheet and shivering and sweating simultaneously. You’re not fine,” Hide argued with a stern face and Kaneki flinched. Hide saw Kaneki practically deflate, his face guilty.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, swaying on the spot, and Hide snorted.

“For having a fever?” Hide asked, confused. Kaneki looked back up at Hide, his eyes glassy and unfocused. 

“Yes?” he answered in more of a question. “M-Mom always said that it- that it was a bother when I got sick b-because then she had to take time off work to care for m-me. That it was always my fault, I was just d-doing it for attention.”

“Oh, Kaneki,” Hide breathed, his eyes sad. Kaneki was the one looking confused now. Hide walked towards the unsteady boy, holding out his hand.

“Can I hug you?” he asked and Kaneki nodded, still lost. 

“But why–” Kaneki started, only to get cut off by Hide, his voice close to Kaneki’s ear.

“Getting sick isn’t your fault, Kaneki. At all. You can’t help getting sick,” Hide explained softly and Kaneki tensed. 

“O-Oh,” he stuttered, at a loss for words. He let himself fall into Hide’s hug, astonished. 

“Let’s check you out, alright? This fever doesn’t seem normal,” Hide cooed, leading Kaneki to sit on the bed. 

Hide’s heart squeezed at the sight of him. He didn’t look nearly as bad as when he first arrived at the institute, but he didn’t look as well as he did yesterday. He was swaying where he sat, his stormy eyes struggling to focus on Hide. 

“Temperature first, yeah?” Hide said, taking a thermometer out of the small kit he brought. Kaneki blinked a few times, nodding slowly before opening his mouth compliantly. 

After a minute or so, the tiny device signalled its finish, and Hide whistled. 

“103. That’s a pretty high fever. Can I check your wounds?” 

“Y-Yeah,” Kaneki muttered shyly, blushing as he squirmed out of his shirt. Hide tsked, noticing the redness around his wounds.

“Yep, they’re infected. We need to get you to a hospital,” Hide sighed, helping Kaneki back into his shirt. Kaneki opened his mouth to apologize again, but Hide was faster.

“Nope. Don’t. It’s not your fault in the slightest,” he sang, tapping Kaneki on the nose gently. Kaneki was startled, his reaction time far slower due to his illness. 

“I’ll get someone to drive us, yeah?” Hide decided. “You can nap on the way.”

Thirty minutes later, Hide found himself with a delirious Kaneki’s head on his lap in the backseat of a van. Somebody that Hide didn’t really know was driving, yet the silence between them was not quite uncomfortable. 

“Mmm,” Kaneki murmured in his sleep, burrowing his nose into Hide’s thigh. Despite being ill, Kaneki still looked beautiful, in a way. Porcelain skin, dark eyelashes brushing against his cheek as he looked around his dreams, white hair scattered around his head like a halo. He wasn’t perfect, by any means; thrown into his ethereal sense of beauty was the purple bags under his eyes, the practically permanent crease between his eyebrows, the countless scars marring his skin. Yet all of that seemed to appeal to Hide. He was like the moon, glowing and distant. 

Idly Hide’s fingertip traced the hollow of Kaneki’s cheekbones, following a path to his lips. He then traced down his neck, feeling the dips and curves, all the way down to his shoulders and down his arms. He would have continued if something else hadn’t caught his attention.

A thin white line running from his wrists to his inner elbow. Hide’s stomach dropped, his blood going cold. 

Anybody could guess what those scars were from. Hide didn’t know how he didn’t see them before. He was going to have to find out what they were from; if Kaneki was suicidal, he would have to go through even more therapy, covering entirely different topics. 

The car hit a bump and Kaneki’s head bounced slightly. Kaneki startled, waking up slightly, blinking up at Hide. 

“Oh,” Kaneki murmured and Hide chuckled quietly.

“Oh?” he repeated, his thumb rubbing small circles on Kaneki’s wrist. Kaneki hummed, looking so peaceful despite the sweat sitting on his skin and the blush from the fever dusting his cheeks.

“Yeah. Oh,” Kaneki said as if he’s decided something. Hide was smiling still, the hand on Kaneki’s wrist moving to card through his hair instead. 

“What’s oh mean?” Hide asked softly, trying to keep his voice hushed. 

“It means that I’ve realized something,” Kaneki admitted. Hide made a noise of understanding. This was the most freely he’d ever heard Kaneki talk.

“What have you finally discovered?” Hide laughed quietly. His hand was now rubbing behind Kaneki’s ear comfortingly, making Kaneki practically purr. 

“That you must be the actual reincarnation of the Sun,” Kaneki said, dead serious, and Hide spluttered.    
“You- I- You can’t  _ do  _ that,” Hide groaned, to which Kaneki  _ giggled _ . Actually giggled. Christ. 

“It’s true,” Kaneki snickered, his face suddenly clenching as if something hurt him. His eyes flickered to something over Hide’s shoulder, his jaw flexing, and Hide took that as his cue to change the topic.

“Hey, we’re pretty much here. Can you sit up?” Hide asked. Kaneki groaned. 

“Carry me?” he whined and Hide almost cried.  _ You’re not helping my situation you adorable asshat _ . 

The van pulled into the small hospital parking lot, finding a spot as close to the door as possible. Hide took in a deep breath, the hospital a sight he always despised seeing. 

“Let’s go see Dr. Kanou, yeah?”

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wah soz for the wait im a bad person  
> thx @ my bab bulla124 again

“I don’t wanna,” Kaneki muttered into Hide’s shoulder, still mostly asleep. Hide suppressed a chuckle, conflicted between being worried and feeling blessed that Kaneki was snuggled up in Hide’s arms. 

“It’ll be quick, yeah? You can sleep once you’ve gotten medicine,” Hide cooed, eliciting a whine from Kaneki.

Somebody was at them the minute Hide walked in, obviously worried about the fact that Kaneki wasn’t walking on his own.

“Don’t worry, he’s okay, just sleepy. I’m from the psychiatric ward; some of his wounds are infected, nothing serious,” Hide explained lightly. The nurse visibly relaxed, nodding.

“Oh, good. I’ll go and fetch Dr. Kanou for you,” she said sweetly and Hide beamed at her before placing Kaneki down gently into one of the plush chairs.

“Mpf,” Kaneki grunted, his hand shooting out to grab Hide’s wrist.

_ Christ. _

_ Hide was  _ weak _.  _

“Relax, I’m right here,” Hide reassured. Kaneki grumbled something else before snuggling further into the chair, hand still tightly holding Hide’s wrist. With a sigh, the blond sat down in the chair beside Kaneki and wordlessly let him use his arm as a pillow. 

“Hey, you’ve gotta wake up. The doctor will be here soon,” Hide muttered. 

“Mmm?” Kaneki hummed, huffing out a sigh. Hide poked at his cheek lightly. 

“C’mon. Open your eyes,” Hide urged. Kaneki did as Hide said, reluctantly, his nose scrunching up in (adorable) distaste. 

“Hide? Where’re we?” Kaneki slurred, finally taking in their surroundings. 

“We’re here to see a doctor so he can treat your wounds,” Hide reminded gently. Kaneki blinked a few more times before realizing that he was holding onto Hide. 

“O-Oh, I–” Kaneki stuttered, his face going red. Hide slowly reached out to ruffle his hair reassuringly. 

“Don’t worry, alright? We–”

“Dr. Nagachika?” a voice called out timidly. Hide looked up to see the nurse from before. “Dr. Kanou’s ready, if you’ll follow me.”

“Can you walk?” Hide asked Kaneki, who shrugged. Hide helped him up, slinging one of Kaneki’s arms around his shoulders to support him. Kaneki was able to walk this way, somewhat. 

As they approached Kanou’s office, Hide felt Kaneki grow more tense. 

“Don’t worry, yeah? I’ll be with you the whole time,” Hide promised. Thankfully those few words seemed to help Kaneki slightly relax. 

“Hello, Dr. Nagachika, welcome. You can set him down over there,” Kanou said in his dull voice, gesturing towards the examination bed. Hide resisted the urge to shiver; Kanou gave off a vibe that rubbed Hide the wrong way. “So, what’s the issue?”

“Some of Kaneki’s wounds are infected. They’ve given him a fever,” Hide explained shortly. Kanou nodded, writing things down on a clipboard.

“Alright, I need to see the infected area,” Kanou instructed, asking Hide rather than Kaneki. Kanou didn’t see the dirty glare Hide was sending his way. 

“H-Hide?” Kaneki practically whispered, his fingers cracking. Hide placed his hand over Kaneki’s reassuringly, halting the disturbing pops. 

“Don’t worry, okay? You don’t have to tell him anything. He’s just gotta clean them, yeah? Can you do that for me?” Hide urged, smiling warmly. Kaneki was biting his lip.

“I-I don’t–”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have time for this. I have a bunch of other patients scheduled for today. I promise it won’t be that bad,” Kanou interrupted. Kaneki flinched, hesitantly removing his shirt to reveal the now slightly bloodied bandages. Kanou wasted no time peeling them off (gently, thank god, Hide probably would have drop kicked him then and there if he was rough) and humming.

“This is definitely infected. After I clean them you should be able to do it on your own and your body will heal itself,” Kanou explained, getting to work. Kaneki was still, his eyes closed, obviously trying to keep himself composed. Hide knew how uncomfortable he must be.

It went smoothly, for the most part; Kaneki sat silently, Kanou hummed under his breath as he worked, Hide paced around the tiny office. It wasn’t until Kanou reached a particular wound that Kaneki sucked in a breath, darting back instinctively. Kanou raised his eyebrows, holding his hands up as if in surrender.

“I’m sorry, did I hurt you?” he asked politely. Hide placed a reassuring hand on Kaneki’s back.

“N-No, I just… I’m fine, I’m sorry,” Kaneki mumbled. Kanou said nothing, going back to work as if the outburst hadn’t happened. Hide gave Kaneki a look, although the other had his eyes screwed shut, jaw clenched tight. 

“This one’s particularly deep,” Kanou observed innocently and Hide had never more wanted to kill a man. Kaneki let out a small whine, leaning backwards slightly. He had his chin tilted up and away, as if the fact of having his injuries exposed was disgusting to him. 

It was, really. 

Kaneki was ignoring a screaming Rize, using all of his willpower to not cover his ears. 

_ Kaneki, he’s dangerous you need to get away you can’t stay here you’re too vulnerable he sees what Jason did you can’t let him get out getoutgetout _ –

Another choked noise clawed its way out of his throat and escaped his mouth, pitiful and quiet. Hide’s hand was rubbing over his back soothingly, although it wasn’t helping very much. 

 

Kaneki watched nervously as Kanou finished up his job, tearing off his bloodied gloves with cat-like finesse. He was hyperaware of everything in the room; the squeaking of Kanou’s rolling chair, Hide’s footsteps as he moved slightly, every person who walked by the window. He didn’t know how long Kanou had been working. Every once in awhile Hide would rub his shoulders soothingly, providing Kaneki with the anchor he needed to stay grounded.

But then Hide left.

Kaneki wasn’t tuned into the whole conversation; he heard bits and pieces, once he realized that they were talking.

“Seriously, just go grab it now, Dr. Nagachika,” Kanou was saying, waving a hand. Kaneki glanced over at Hide, noting his pinched expression.

“I really don’t–” Hide began. Kaneki was bright enough to clue in.

“Go,” he muttered, hardly above a whisper. Hide startled, sending Kaneki a wide-eyed look.

“Are you–” he tried again, but Kaneki gave him a timid smile, thankful that Kanou had turned around and began organizing notes.

“Yeah,” was all Kaneki mumbled, but it seemed to be enough for Hide. Kanou turned around with a fake-looking smile, handing Hide a sheet of paper.

“Hand this to the lady at the front desk,” he said. Hide took the paper silently, sending Kanou a smile of his own, which Kaneki knew was strained.

“Thanks,” he muttered, leaving the room, but not before shooting a last worried look towards Kaneki.

Kanou didn’t say anything once they were alone, getting back to work as if nothing had changed. Kaneki, on the other hand, twitched and fidgeted, unable to sit still as Kanou started to gently put cream over his wounds. 

He was so on edge, felt so exposed and vulnerable, that he jumped when Rize started talking to him.

_ Kaneki, you don’t know what he’s about to put on you. What if it’s poison, you idiot? How naïve can you be? Do you want to fall into Jason’s hands again? _ Rize was taunting, pacing in front of him in a dizzying manner. The rest of the room faded out of view, dripping and blurring out of focus until it was only Kaneki and Rize in the middle of that god forsaken  _ room _ . The black and white checkered tiles were bloodied, all of it crusty and dry with corpses of centipedes thrown into the mix. Kaneki’s eyes followed Rize warily, his hands clenched tight on the edge of the examination bed. Hide’s mantra of _ remember, she’s not real and you control her  _ was playing in his mind and Kaneki really did try to remember that. He refused to look at her, refused to acknowledge her harmful, paranoid words or the annoying  _ clack, clack, clack  _ of her heels.

It wasn’t until he  _ felt _ her that Kaneki started to tip over his edge.

_ Kaneki, you’re not  _ listening _ to me, _ Rize snapped and suddenly her nails were digging into Kaneki’s forearm, breaking the skin slightly. He was taken aback, the terrifying realization that she could hurt him sending Kaneki into panic.

He let out a piercing wail, the illusion around him shattering to reveal a startled Kanou with a needle in his arm.

Instead of relaxing like he should have, Kaneki was thrown right back into that room, reminded of all the needles Jason had stabbed into his skin, packed full of different sedatives and drugs.

Usually the drugs meant the pain was coming.

“Stop, get it out, don’t–” Kaneki choked out, trembling like a leaf, his vision blurring to the point where he couldn’t make out more than vague outlines. He lurched backwards, hitting his head on the wall behind him and causing the needle to tear out of his arm. Kaneki was fading in and out of his past, unable to decipher the intense flashes of agony in his mind, unable to tell what was flashes of memories and what was the present. 

“Get away, stop, please,” Kaneki pleaded, scrambling as far back on the bed as he could get, away from  _ him _ , from  _ Jason _ . He was  _ here  _ and Kaneki didn’t know what to  _ do _ . “No more, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so sorry.” All Kaneki could hear was Jason’s voice telling him to _ just keep counting, that’s it. Count for me, Kaneki, come on _ . 

He was spewing out numbers, spitting them out in between harsh breaths, still stuck in that checkered room. He thought it couldn’t get worse, that the pain couldn’t get more intense.

He was wrong.

He suddenly remembered a bucket, remembered Jason’s lilting voice commanding him to  _ open your pretty mouth, Kaneki. Open up for me, you can do it, good boy. _

He remembered a blindfold wrapping tightly around his eyes, remembered the feeling of multiple tiny feet crawling across his skin. He was reliving every sensation, sucked in by Jason’s voice.

_ Centipedes, Kaneki. Chinese Red-Heads, to be precise.  _

Kaneki  _ vividly  _ remembered how their bites felt. A tiny pinprick, like a sting, followed by an intense ache and then an agonizing itch, one that Jason never let him scratch. He recalled the way Jason traced one across his lips, pried his mouth open and let the creature crawl over his tongue, around his teeth, down his th _ roat inside of him it’s inside of me oh god it’s in me it’s inside of me get it out please _ –

_ Keep counting, Kaneki.  _

_ You’re being such a good boy.  _

_ I’ll let you sleep, Kaneki, I promise. _

But no matter how much he begged for Jason to  _ stop, just stop, let me go _ , the pleas fell on deaf ears. Jason didn’t care what happened to him. Jason only cared for his screams of anguish, his never ending tears, his desperate pleas. 

Kaneki reminded himself over and over that it wasn’t real. It wasn’t happening anymore, he was free and he was safe. But he was still stuck. Still trapped. Still in Jason’s chokehold around his mind. 

He didn’t think he would ever get out.

 

To be honest, Hide knew Kanou was just trying to get Hide out of the room. 

The man sent off bad vibes, ones that rubbed Hide the wrong way. Even the nurse at the front counter seemed to be stalling him, saying that she needed to receive things from the back. 

Somehow, in the back of his mind, his Kaneki-senses started tingling. His foot started tapping anxiously, impatient for the damn nurse to return so he could check on the white-haired boy.

When she finally handed over the white paper bag, Hide snatched it quickly, throwing out a quick “thank you!” before starting a brisk walk towards Kanou’s office. 

Kaneki’s distressed voice sent him into a jog.

When he finally made his way into the room, Kaneki was curled up on the table. His eyes wide and tearful yet eerily unseeing, cradling his arm to his chest and gasping. Kanou was shocked, standing frozen in front of his chair, obviously surprised and unsure what to do. 

“What happened?” Hide asked flatly, not making a move towards Kaneki’s tense body before he knew the situation. Observing further, Hide noticed the crimson red staining Kaneki’s shirt where his arm was cradled. 

“I- I just went to give him a basic needle, to help prevent infection–” Kanou started, hands up as if in surrender. “He was zoned out, I didn’t think–”

“Damn right you didn’t think,” Hide snapped, approaching Kaneki slowly. He was right in front of the other boy, yet Kaneki’s eyes remained glazed over, staring at the same spot and mumbling those seemingly random numbers under his breath. 

“Kaneki,” Hide tried softly, lowering his head so that he was eye level with Kaneki. The other didn’t move. 

“Hey, Kaneki. Come back to me, Kaneki,” Hide urged, his heart doing ugly jumps in his chest every time Kaneki sucked in a broken gasp. He would flinch occasionally, most likely feeling phantom pain. Hide knew that Kaneki had fallen deep into his past and was currently spiralling downwards at a rapid rate. 

“What’s wrong with him?” Kanou asked bluntly. Hide turned to scowl at the doctor.

“None of your business. Go get me some sort of sedative,” Hide demanded, not sparing any more time, before turning his full attention back towards Kaneki. 

“Listen, Kaneki, I need you to come back.” Hide tried again, his voice louder this time. Kaneki’s mouth was open slightly, his lips trembling with something Hide didn’t understand. “Please, ‘Neki.”

Suddenly, Kaneki’s counting cut off. His mouth snapped shut, his jaw clenched so tight that Hide was worried for his teeth. His hands rose to his neck, clawing at it gently as if he couldn’t breathe, though Hide could still see the rise and fall of his chest. He looked as if he was choking on something, letting out gargled coughs and breathing through his nose.

“Kaneki!” Hide gasped, reaching a hand out to lean him forward, making sure that his breathing was fine. 

The minute his hand touched Kaneki, he snapped back to the present, scrambling away from Hide in a frenzy, hands and feet swinging wildly. 

“Stop! Don’t touch me! P-Please no more leave me  _ alone _ !” Kaneki sobbed, limbs flailing. Hide recieved a firm kick in the stomach and a scratch across his cheek before he had Kaneki somewhat under control. His body was coiled so tightly, tremors wracking his frame, his breathing so irregular that Hide was genuinely worried. 

Thankfully, Kanou returned with another needle, this one filled with a sedative. Hide nodded at Kanou, holding up a hand to make him pause.

“Kaneki,” Hide hummed soothingly, trying one last time to bring him out of this haze without the use of even more needles. Kaneki was staring at the floor, his eyes once again glazed over. He wasn’t trying to escape anymore, trapped in his mind once again. Regretfully, Hide moved back slightly, keeping one of Kaneki’s hands in his own. Kanou stepped forward, poking the needle into Kaneki’s neck gently; he only had a second of panic, where his eyes opened wide and his jaw dropped, before he was slumping over, his eyelids drooping lazily. Hide caught his body lightly, laying him down on the table gently. He sighed, touching the man’s cheek timidly with his free hand and wiping away the trickle of blood running down his own cheek from the cut Kaneki’s nails had caused. Kaneki’s limp body still wasn’t at ease, his fingers twitching occasionally, his eyes darting around under his lids. Hide untucked Kaneki’s arm from his stomach, inspecting the gash the needle had made.

“I don’t think that’ll need stitches, since I hardly pricked him at all with it,” Kanou observed. Hide ran his tongue over his teeth slowly, keeping his anger in check. 

“Well that’s good,” he replied dryly, standing up once again and uncurling his hand from Kaneki’s. “Could you clean it up before we go?” 

“Oh, of course! I’m sorry about all this, I didn’t know he–” Kanou began, obviously trying to save his own ass. Hide waved him off, very uninterested in hearing his spiel.

“I know, I just want to get him back before he wakes up,” Hide half-lied. Kanou nodded, retrieving the same supplies as before and dabbing a cotton ball on Kaneki’s new wound. 

It was blissfully silent for a few minutes, the only sounds being Kaneki’s ragged breaths. After a bit of calm, Kanou spoke up again.

“So why did he react so violently?” Kanou asked. Hide almost rolled his eyes, but the question made him think. He assumed the reaction to needles was from past memories, but from  _ when _ ? Hide couldn’t be sure. What he witnessed seemed like more than a panic attack; it seemed like repressed thoughts and scenes were resurfacing, memories so bad that Kaneki’s mind had tried pressing them down. A shiver rolled down Hide’s spine at the thought. The choking, the counting, the pleading– all of it seemed like something out of a goddamn horror movie. 

“I can’t give you that information,” Hide decided to say, to which Kanou nodded in understanding.

“That’s fair. But, as his doctor, can you tell me who Jason is? How he got those wounds? They’re very… precise. Practised,” Kanou explained, piquing Hide’s interest. 

“What does that mean?” Hide pushed, ignoring Kanou’s question completely. Kanou paused for a minute, seeming to think. 

“Well, it doesn’t seem like a random attack, or a rushed one. These cuts are placed a certain way, very smooth and well done. Plus, it must have taken quite a while to carve that name in,” Kanou elaborated. Hide took in another big breath, his sympathy for Kaneki forming a lump in his throat.

“I wish  I could have examined him after his… incident,” Kanou sighed, almost in longing, and Hide sent him another look. “But it seems like he’s healing quite nicely.”

“I’m glad,” Hide said honestly. Kanou hummed in agreement, placing the last bit of medical tape on Kaneki’s arm.

“He’s all set. Make sure to change the bandages and apply the cream once a day,” Kanou instructed. Hide smiled weakly at him, gathering Kaneki in his arms once again. 

“Thank you, Dr. Kanou,” Hide muttered kindly, unsure if he felt like the words rang true. The doctor bowed his head slightly as a farewell, opening the door for Hide and following them out to the parking lot.

“Goodbye, Dr. Nagachika,” Kanou called. Hide smiled politely again, unable to wave. 

Thankfully the car was parked quite close and Hide had no problem maneuvering him and Kaneki inside. 

 

Hide didn’t notice the car parked on the other side of the lot, or the eccentric man sitting inside of it, reapplying bright red lipstick. He didn’t hear the man dial a number, didn’t hear the rings, didn’t hear the other end pick up gruffly or the peculiar man’s lilting voice.

“Hey sweetie, Naki was right. We found your boy toy.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soRRY THIS IS SO LATE i was v busy ,, as always thx hannah for being gr88

Kaneki woke up to a pounding head and full-body aches.  

His mind was still fuzzy, in a confused place between consciousness and dreaming. Something warm was running over his head and petting his hair gently. It was so soothing that Kaneki hummed, half-nuzzling into the touch. 

“Kaneki,” a voice cooed, to which Kaneki simply groaned. A chuckle sounded throughout the room, then the hand in his hair stilled and pulled back. Kaneki whined, rolling his head around a bit, unwilling to fully awaken. 

“C’mon, Kaneki, it’s time for breakfast,” the voice said again, and by this point, even half-asleep, Kaneki recognized it as Hide. 

The promise of food peaked his interest slightly; his stomach stirred at the thought. Slowly, he cracked an eye open, the florescent lights hurting. 

“‘M sleepy,” Kaneki mumbled, bringing his hands up to rub his eyes. Hide laughed, a quiet, sweet sound that made Kaneki smile lazily as well. The chuckle cut off suddenly and Kaneki opened his eyes fully to see Hide gaping at him. “Wassit?”

“Nothing, nothing,” Hide sighed out, smiling again, booping Kaneki on the nose. Kaneki scrunched up his face, letting out an embarrassing sneeze. Hide made a choked noise. 

“What happened yesterday?” Kaneki asked, finally able to think somewhat. Bits and pieces were coming back to him, none of it fitting together properly. He remembered going to Dr. Kanou, being sick, getting his wounds healed. Vaguely, he recalled Hide leaving the room, and something… unsettling happening. 

“Oh, don’t worry about it, yeah? You were awfully feverish,” Hide hummed, his back to Kaneki. 

Normally, Kaneki would have believed Hide in a heartbeat, but something seemed utterly  _ off _ . Hide’s hesitance to explain, maybe, or Rize’s absence, or the odd tingling feeling in his mouth. 

“Hide, something… something happened…” Kaneki whispered, getting distressed because everything felt strange. Hide was walking on eggshells around him and his limbs felt shaky, almost like… like when Jason used his needles and put Kaneki to sleep.

“Shhh, Kaneki, it’s okay,” Hide reassured again, turning around after hearing Kaneki’s voice rise in distress. 

“N-No, I–” Kaneki started, about to protest some more when he saw the scratch running across Hide’s cheekbone. 

All the breath left his lungs in a wheeze as he stared at the scabbed-over mark marring Hide’s face. Kaneki bit his tongue, the events coming back in flashes.

Kanou. Needles. Centipedes. Hide. 

He’d hurt  _ Hide _ . 

His anchor, his saviour, his guiding light. Kaneki had hurt him, had lashed out and _ injured him _ . 

“Hey, woah, you’re really pale. Are you okay?” Hide wondered soothingly, placing a hand on Kaneki’s shoulder. Kaneki shied back from the touch, his eyes never leaving the imperfection on Hide’s face.

“I did that,” Kaneki whispered, hardly audible. Hide’s eyebrows bunched up slightly.

“Yeah, but it’s just a scratch–”

“I hurt you and I don’t even remember doing it,” Kaneki said, louder this time, panic and resentment and bitterness pushing his words out. Hide shook his head, bending over so that he was eye level with Kaneki.

“That’s because you were remembering something far worse than this scratch, Kaneki. Don’t worry about it, this is my job,” Hide reminded him. Kaneki looked away, obviously not letting the words comfort him. 

“I hurt you,” he chose to mutter again. Hide let out a sigh.

“Honestly, Kaneki. What do I have to say to convince you that I’m 100% fine? I don’t blame you–” 

“I’m sorry,” Kaneki interrupted. He wasn’t looking at Hide, instead focused on the ground, self hatred starting to drown him. Hide huffed out a laugh.

“I forgive you,” he shot back, leaning forward so that Kaneki was forced to look at him. “Really. I do.”

“Okay,” Kaneki whispered, though it wasn’t very reassuring; his gaze was still flickering around the room, his knee still bounced nervously. Hide made a face, scrunching up his nose.

“Give me a better okay than that,” Hide demanded. Kaneki’s stony face cracked a little, a soft yet more steady ‘okay’ falling from his lips. Hide grinned, instinctively leaning forward to press a kiss to Kaneki’s forehead. Kaneki, surprisingly, felt even worse at the action. 

Hide was being so loving and caring after Kaneki had  _ attacked  _ him. Kaneki had lost control and Hide had been the victim. It was so wrong, so horribly wrong, yet here Hide was, comforting Kaneki and giving him cute kisses on the forehead. 

Kaneki could practically hear his Aunt’s voice in his ear saying things like,  _ “you’re such a monster, Kaneki,” _ and  _ “this is why you shouldn’t bother getting close to people, Kaneki.” _

“Uh, I’ve gotta go host some sessions, but I’ll come back later, I promise. Your food’s waiting in the dining area,” Hide reassured, pulling away somewhat awkwardly, his cheeks slightly pink. Kaneki nodded, eyes downcast once again. He was grateful that Hide was busy today. He could wallow in his sadness and hatred alone. 

Kaneki didn’t watch as Hide left.

 

“Holy  _ fuck  _ what am I doing,” Hide sighed once he was out the door, rubbing his hand over his face. He couldn’t recall ever learning to  _ kiss his patients _ when he was in school. 

But Kaneki had looked so peaceful when he was waking up, his white hair scattered around his head on the pillow like a halo, his features smooth and relaxed while nuzzling into Hide’s hand like an actual goddamn cat.  _ Who does that _ , Hide thought in despair, _ what the fuck _ . Then he’d peeked his eyes opened at the mention of food, rubbing his eyes like a four year old and Hide knew he was so whipped. Which Hide knew was wrong, so wrong, on every level, but it’s not like he could help it. 

Suppressing a sigh, Hide pushed the thoughts away, knowing that he had other duties to fulfill.

That didn’t stop him from seeking out Juuzou.

“Hey, listen, Kaneki’s a bit spooked about yesterday, so maybe you could, I dunno, work with him again?” Hide pleaded with the other, smiling as best as he could. Juuzou raised an eyebrow, twirling a lock of hair in his nimble fingers. 

“I can do that,” Juuzou decided finally, letting his hand drop and giggling. “I like Kaneki anyways.”

“Thank you,” Hide breathed, a weight lifting off his chest. Before Juuzou could leave, Hide called him back.

Just- Just make sure he eats, yeah? And don’t strain him too much, he’s still weak,” Hide reminded. Juuzou was waving his hand, scoffing.

“Yeah, yeah, relax, I’ll take care of him,” Juuzou laughed. Hide nodded, watching Juuzou as he went. It was a mixture of reassuring and frightening, the fact that Kaneki was going to work with Juuzou for a change. Hide knew that it was important for trauma victims to talk to different people so that they don’t cling, but he couldn’t help wanting to be the one at Kaneki’s side. It was something instinctive at this point to help the other man. 

But Hide knew that there was others in the building that needed his help as well, having gone through their own horrid situations. Hide enjoyed helping people more than anything else in his life. He hoped, one day, that he would rise to Akira or Amon or Shinohara’s level, to have old patients return for a visit and talk about how much better their lives had become. 

He wished that for Kaneki one day too. The thought of Kaneki leaving was heartbreaking and heartwarming simultaneously; a confusing thought and one that Hide liked to ignore. 

So he did just that. Ignored it. Pushed it into the back of his mind. Pretended it never crossed his mind in the first place. 

“Dr. Nagachicka? I’ve been looking for you,” Amon said, pulling Hide out of this thoughts. With a deep breath and a smile, he buried himself in his work and tried to forget the lingering warmth in his chest. 

 

Kaneki wasn’t planning on eating. 

In fact, he would have been content with simply lying in bed all day, self-pitying and miserable, the same self-conscious, insecure thoughts clouding his mind. 

Juuzou, it seemed, had other plans. 

“Helloooo? Kaneki?” Juuzou sang, knocking at his door briefly before letting himself in. “I’ve come to escort you!”

“O-Oh, hi,” Kaneki stammered, a bit surprised. Juuzou skipped over to the bed, crouching down and beaming at Kaneki.

“You’re with me today!” Juuzou cheered, his happy attitude somewhat infectious. Despite the cheery atmosphere, Kaneki caught whispers of Rize’s voice. 

_ You’re with him because Hide’s too scared to be around you, Kaneki, _ she hummed in his ear, the words making him flinch. 

“Hey, hey, don’t make that sad face! I know you’re thinking that Hide doesn’t like you anymore or something, but that’s not true, he’s just busy,” Juuzou chided lightly. Kaneki looked up at him, shocked, eyes wide. 

“H-How did you–” Kaneki started, but Juuzou cut him off.

“I do this for a living, y’know,” he pouted, somewhat offended by Kaneki’s surprise. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any disrespect, I just–” Kaneki began again. Juuzou shook his head, making his messy hair even more wild. 

“Nope, don’t say sorry, I was  _ teasing  _ you,” Juuzou giggled, standing up once again. He held out a pale hand, the bright red stitches in full view. Kaneki gingerly accepted, letting Juuzou pull him out of his blanket safehouse. 

“W-Where are we going?” Kaneki asked, his voice so soft that Juuzou almost missed it. 

“Hmmm, dunno. You hungry?” Juuzou wondered. Kaneki was keen on refusing, but before he could say anything, the thought of food brought a rumble to his stomach. Juuzou laughed, the sound high-pitched and airy. 

“Yep, let’s go get some breakfast! Yoshimura’s eggs are the best and that’s what he made today, I think– I don’t know, actually, I haven’t…” Juuzou continued. Kaneki tuned him out, somewhat, enjoying the background chatter. He liked Juuzou and the distraction he provided. He kept Kaneki busy enough that he didn’t have to worry about Rize or Jason or Naki. 

“Hello, monsieur,” a smooth voice drawled and Kaneki realized slowly that Tsukiyama was talking to him.

“Oh, h-hello,” he greeted quietly. Tsukiyama grinned, tipping his head at Juuzou.

“Are you on your way to breakfast?” he asked politely. Kaneki nodded, avoiding eye contact. Tsukiyama hummed, keeping a nice distance between them. “Mind if I join you?” 

“Actually, if you don’t mind, I’ll leave him with you for a bit. Introduce him to some people, will ya?” Juuzou sang. Kaneki tensed a bit, giving Juuzou an owlish look. Juuzou, thankfully, seemed to have caught it. “I’ll be back in, like, 45 minutes, Kaneki, don’t worry.”

“I’ll take great care of him, Dr. Suzuya,” Tsukiyama drawled. Juuzou seemed pleased with the formalities, patting Tsukiyama on the shoulder and skipping back down the hall. 

“Well, Kaneki dearest. Shall we go?” he boasted. Kaneki found himself smiling at Tsukiyama’s boldness. 

“Yeah,” he muttered. Tsukiyama didn’t miss the smile, though; he grinned back, leading the way and letting Kaneki follow how he liked to, trailing close and slightly shielded. 

Breakfast was, to say the least, pleasing. Kaneki felt normal, in a way, surrounded by people with similar issues yet avoiding the topic. He sat with a bunch of people, all of them too engrossed in conversation to pester Kaneki. 

Sometimes, when he mustered up enough courage to pipe in, they would all stop and listen. It made Kaneki feel like he mattered, like they accepted him despite his strange behaviour. 

Tsukiyama would occasionally try to drag Kaneki in, putting him on the spot, and Touka would scold him. 

“The kid’s gonna have an aneurysm, Shittyama, jesus. Let him be,” she’d interrupt, saving a flustered Kaneki from further torment. 

The worst treatment he received was an occasional snarky comment from Nishiki or Touka, though he could tell that they meant well; he’d known people like that, with sharp personalities but caring hearts. 

“The fuck are you grinning about?” Touka interrupted, her eyebrow raised. Kaneki jerked back to reality, blinking quickly. 

“U-Uh, just… thinking,” he said, not a total lie. Touka narrowed her eyes, as if to say ‘explain.’

“My favourite author’s probably come out with more books by now,” Kaneki lied swiftly. “I was just wondering about them.” 

Nishiki laughed from the other side of the table, prompting Tsukiyama to glare his way.

“Our Kaneki has a passion! Reading, at that. How admirable, really!” Tsukiyama cheered loudly. When Kaneki looked back to Touka, something in her eyes had softened. 

“You’d like Hinami,” she said in a voice that was far more gentle than her usual. “Hinami loves reading.”

“I’d love to discuss it with her,” Kaneki responded honestly. He hadn’t talked literature with anybody in… god, in years. The only other person who’d ever liked books were his mother and– 

Kaneki cut himself off.

And? And who? What was he going to think? Nobody else he knew enjoyed reading. Nobody but–

_ But me, _ Rize hummed suddenly. Kaneki nearly shot out of his seat, hands starting to shake. 

Why did he think that Rize liked books? Why did that thought come to mind? He didn’t remember having a conversation with her, let alone–

_ Yes, you do, Kaneki, _ Rize scolded again.  _ C’mon, remember. You were all chained up, the first time we met. I had seen your room, remember. I knew. All those books everywhere. We had quite the conversation. _

“Stop it,” Kaneki whispered hoarsely. 

“Stop what?” Someone asked, but it wasn't Rize. It was Tsukiyama, looking at Kaneki with furrowed eyebrows. Kaneki forced himself out of his mind, shaking his head and offering a smile.

“N-Nothing, sorry!” Kaneki reassured. Tsukiyama took the weak answer, thankfully, smiling and returning to the conversation. 

Kaneki returned to listening idly until Juuzou returned. A headache was brewing, his eyes stung and his stomach hurt, but he somehow still managed to zone out. When Juuzou placed a hand on his shoulder, he yelped, whipping around so fast that he nearly knocked his plate off the table. 

“Easy, it’s just me,” Juuzou laughed. Kaneki let out a breathy laugh, looking away.

“U-Um, sorry,” he muttered. Touka let out a loud huff.

“Jesus, kid, do you say  _ anything  _ other than sorry?” she growled, crossing her arms. Kaneki opened his mouth to reply, but closed it when he realized he really didn’t have anything to say other than ‘sorry.’

“Be nice, Touka,” Juuzou answered for him. “I’m here to take Kaneki with me, anyways!”

“Au revoir,” Tsukiyama waved, giving Kaneki a suave smile and Kaneki actually felt himself reluctant to leave. 

 

“So, why are you so moody today?” Juuzou hummed as they stretched. Kaneki jumped slightly. 

“Am I moody?” he chose to reply, prompting Juuzou to raise an eyebrow. Kaneki sighed, accepting defeat.

“I hurt Hide,” he admitted, expecting harsh judgement. Instead he was met with another hum.

“I know! I just wanted you to say it and accept it ‘cause you’re the only one who’s having a hard time with this,” Juuzou said. Kaneki frowned, sitting up straight to look at the bizarre man. 

“But I hurt him. He’s been nothing but kind to me, and I–”

“It’s part of your condition, silly! He doesn’t blame you. Actually, you feeling bad about it is making  _ him  _ feel bad about it,” Juuzou explained. Kaneki chewed on the inside of his cheek, absorbing Juuzou’s words. He didn’t get much time, though– Juuzou was hustling him towards the treadmills, starting them off at a reasonable pace. 

They ran in silence, the two of them comfortable enough in each other’s presence. After a while, Juuzou (thankfully) stopped his machine and Kaneki followed suit. 

“Muscle building time!” Juuzou sang and Kaneki choked back the groan rising in his throat. Juuzou seemed to notice it anyways, laughing loudly, prompting a smile out of Kaneki. 

They were doing fine until Juuzou, out of the blue, asked “so what made you flip out anyways?”

“Oh- I- Um– Needles?” Kaneki stammered. Juuzou nodded, looking pensive. They were quiet for a bit again before Juuzou pitched in once more.

“You know, if you wanted to try getting over it, or at least suppressing it, you could do the stitches,” Juuzou suggested. Kaneki blinked a few times before understanding what was being implied.

“Oh! I-I don’t think I could–”

“Or tattoos,” Juuzou continued, looking excited. “It’s almost the same concept!”

Kaneki had a protest on the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t find it in himself to actually voice it. The idea of a tattoo was swirling around in his mind, forming ideas he never thought he’d consider. 

“Tattoos are great for cover-ups too, you know,” Juuzou supplied, shocking Kaneki even further. It was like he knew every thought Kaneki would have before he knew it himself. The thought of covering up Jason’s name was very appealing to Kaneki; erasing a bad memory and smothering it with art instead. 

“I-I might consider that,” Kaneki admitted. Juuzou grinned, letting out a happy laugh.

“Good! I’ve heard it can be very… satisfying, I guess. Like proof of an achievement!” he said. Kaneki’s interest faltered. 

“Do I deserve a reward? I haven’t been achieving much,” Kaneki sighed, his bad mood returning. The whirring of Juuzou’s machine paused, and when Kaneki looked over, he saw the white-haired man staring at him. 

“Yes? You have? You’re remembering, I can tell,” Juuzou tsked. Kaneki bit his lip.

“So? That doesn’t mean I’m recovering,” he argued. Juuzou rolled his eyes, standing up and stretching.

“Okay, I get what this is now. You still feel guilty, yeah? About Nagachika. You feel bad. Right?” Juuzou asked. 

“Well, yeah, of course I feel bad–”

“So, make it up to him,” Juuzou decided. His face was set, eyes shining with excitement. Kaneki frowned.

“How am I supposed to do that?” he caved, looking at Juuzou with exasperation. Juuzou grinned like he was waiting for Kaneki to ask.

“You’re remembering, right? So tell him what you know. That way he’ll have something to give to Arima,” Juuzou explained. Kaneki smiled a bit, nodding.

“Yeah I… I don’t know how that’ll go,” Kaneki choked out. Juuzou shook his head. 

“All you’ve gotta do is try, Kaneki.”

And try he would.

For Hide. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aa sorry im so late i hate school  
> as always thx @Bulla124 ily

Arima’s stare was cold as always, face utterly indecipherable. His hands were clasped loosely on the tabletop, a recording machine placed in front of them. Per Kaneki’s request it was only Arima and Hide in the room with him.

“Kaneki. I see you’ve changed your mind,” Arima began. Kaneki closed his eyes for a moment, letting himself drift away like he did before, letting go of his fear and anxieties. He just felt nothing, felt empty. 

“I have,” Kaneki replied simply. Arima’s cold mask didn’t falter at his tone of voice; he just nodded, clicking a button on the device.

“What caused this sudden change?” he questioned. Kaneki smiled, glancing towards Hide slightly. 

“Well, Dr. Nagachika helped me quite a bit. I’ve been remembering lately and I think I can talk about it now,” Kaneki said. Arima nodded, obviously noting a change in Kaneki’s personality, almost as if he was speaking to a whole different person than the stuttering, broken boy from awhile ago. 

“I see. So, shall we start?”

Rize, of course, was ever present in Kaneki’s mind, pacing behind Arima furiously. Her long hair was a mess, her glasses askew, her usually calm composure gone.

_ Don’t you  _ dare _ , Kaneki. He’s going to find you, don’t you tell them a goddamn thing, _ she was growling, her eyes darkening to a bloody shade. Kaneki pushed that image away as well, choosing to focus on Arima’s eyes. 

“I’m ready.”

 

The first thing Arima did was go over what Kaneki said previously; Kaneki answered all the questions effortlessly, not going unnoticed by Arima. The questions got more and more specific, more troubling.

“What was it, exactly, that Jason did to you?” Arima asked. Kaneki blinked a few times, letting his heartbeat slow down again before replying.

“He tortured me with anything he could,” he chose to say, hoping that his answer would be enough.

“Could you specify?” Arima pushed. “Anything he may have bought, or done, could help us to find some sort of link to his whereabouts.”

_ How do you know this guy doesn’t work for him? You’re such an idiot! Stop talking! Stop! Stop it! _ Rize screamed suddenly, breaking Kaneki’s intense concentration and causing him to jump. Hide and Arima both saw, unsaid concern hanging in the air. Kaneki held up a hand, waving it slightly.

“I’m sorry, I just… need a moment,” he muttered, putting his head in his hands. In his mind he heard his mother’s voice cooing softly, reassuring.

_ It’s okay, Kaneki. You don’t have to talk to them anymore, okay? C’mon, we can go to sleep, we don’t have to worry _ , she purred while pulling him into a comforting hug. Kaneki shook his head, biting the inside of his cheek. 

“You’re not her,” he whispered, hopefully quiet enough that Arima and Hide couldn’t hear him. The image of his mother transformed, melted away and bubbled into Rize, her face twisted in rage. 

_ Fucking listen to me! Stop telling him things or else you’re going to end up dead! _ Rize hollered.  _ Or worse, back in his hands. Do you want that? Do you want him to do those things to you again? _

“It doesn’t matter,” he mouthed back, hardly any sound escaping his lips. Kaneki let himself drown out her screaming, let her sink to the back of his mind idly. Surprisingly, it worked; Rize’s shrill nagging faded away to a slight murmur in the back of his mind. Slowly, he lifted his head, eyes opening to Hide’s concerned face. 

“Kaneki? Are you okay?” Hide said, crouching in front of Kaneki. Arima was politely taking a phone call, giving them a moment. Kaneki nodded, not meeting Hide’s worrying eyes.  

“I’m fine now,” he choked out, voice steadier than he’d anticipated. Hide obviously wasn’t convinced. 

“Really? We can stop anytime if you’re–” Hide began, but Kaneki cut him off, finally looking up at his face. The scratch on his cheek was still visible which helped fuel the shame and determination tumbling inside of Kaneki. 

“I can do this,” he breathed, sighing loudly to relax his tense body. “I can do this.” 

Arima conveniently set down his phone then, clearing his throat.

“Are you able to continue?” he said flatly, seeming like he somehow already knew the answer. Kaneki nodded, squeezing Hide’s lingering hand and refusing to let it go; he needed a lifeline, something to keep him connected. 

“Yes,” he said, voice cracking. Kaneki cleared his throat and began again. “He tortured me in a number of ways. I can’t recall all of them, but he… he sliced a lot, creating deep cuts here and there and then he’d put… put something in them. It would burn for hours. Some days he’d stitch them up only to rip them out again. Some days he’d slice each layer of skin off as it grew back and  other days he’d collect all the blood that dripped out just to see how much I could produce. He’d– he’d bring in other victims, I don’t know who, and he’d say ‘Kaneki, choose who dies first.’ If I didn’t choose, he’d kill them both, slowly, to make me hear it all. If I did choose I’d have to hear the living one cry, hear them sob and wail over the dead body. 

Sometimes he’d bring friends and let them… he’d let them touch me however they wanted– I think you understand how I mean. I’d rather not explain that in detail. But I was like a– a ragdoll or something. They used me and threw me away after. Those times were the worst when I was hurting, dirty and blinded and all alone in the checkered room. 

On the bad days he’d bring out the– the centipedes, and he… he let them bite me and crawl on my skin. I would be forced to choke on them and he’d just laugh as if it was amusing to him. He’d punish me if I tried to chew them, but I was just– I was so  _ hungry _ . I would have eaten anything at that point. That wasn’t everything, but that’s all I can remember clearly. I hope it's enough,” Kaneki finished. He’d been looking at the tabletop throughout his whole speech and now in the heavy silence he looked up. 

He saw Arima first, the cold mask on his face cracked slightly. His eyebrows were furrowed just barely, his eyes showing sympathy that Kaneki had never seen before.

Hide, on the other hand, looked wrecked. A hand was covering his mouth, his face a mixture of disgust and sympathy and something Kaneki couldn’t read. Fear was scratching at Kaneki’s heart; Rize’s voice becoming present again.

_ He’s so disgusted, Kaneki. He thinks you’re tainted now. He won’t want to see you anymore. Why would you tell them this? You’re so gross _ .  

“Thank you for telling me,” Arima said slowly, voice almost inaudibly strained. “You mentioned a... checkered room, I believe? Could you elaborate on that?”

“That’s where he kept me most of the time. It was just a big, empty room with a black and white checkered floor. I don’t know anything besides that,” Kaneki admitted. Arima was nodding.

“Can you describe anybody else who’s still alive?” he asked. Kaneki bit his lip, contemplating. There was Rize, but Kaneki wasn’t sure if she was alive or dead or even  _ real _ . There was Naki but Kaneki couldn’t say for sure if he knew him or not. A faint memory surfaced in Kaneki’s mind, a memory of someone else, a bizarre bald man who wore large amounts of makeup, but that wasn’t set in stone either. He chose to shake his head. 

“Did Jason ever say anything to you that could help us to discover his location?” Arima continued. Kaneki bit his lip, memories flying around his head too quickly for him to keep up. He was remembering things he’d kept buried, things so dark he’d unconsciously kept them suppressed.

“Once… I think I-I don’t…” Kaneki trailed off, biting his tongue as he tried to collect and rationalize his thoughts. Things were starting to crystalize and resurface again.

“Do you know what he did? We’re aware that he smuggled drugs, but there’s speculation that he may have been involved in more underground operations,” Arima confessed. Kaneki shook his head, trying to keep his face as neutral as possible. 

“Okay, how about a coffee break?” Hide interjected suddenly, relieving Kaneki. Arima nodded and Hide grinned, standing up to make his way towards the counter at the front of the room. They were doing their interview in the breakroom so a small coffee maker was supplied. 

“I’ll have mine black, thanks,” Arima said and Kaneki would’ve laughed if his head wasn’t throbbing. 

He just couldn’t get the nagging feeling out of his mind.

“Kaneki, do you want some? It’s really rich and flavourful honestly, you should try it,” Hide said kindly. 

_ Try it, Kaneki _ , Rize giggled, suddenly sitting in front of him, lips twisted into the cruel smile she wore when she knew something that he didn’t. _ It looks so good, why not give it a try? _

“Y-Yes, please,” Kaneki choked out.

_ Rich and flavourful.  _

Kaneki knew he’d heard that before somewhere. Rich and flavourful.

Snippets of memories were coming back to him, grainy like pieces of an old film.

He remembered feeling the hunger, so incredibly painful that it cancelled out his other wounds. He remembered crying out, his stomach feeling like it was clamping in on itself and twisting in a way that was going to make him snap. 

He remembered watching Jason eat, eyeing the sick bastard as he chowed down just out of Kaneki’s reach. Sometimes he’d throw scraps and watch Kaneki try to lick them off the floor, desperately reaching for them until his wrists were bleeding from pulling against his restraints. 

He remembered something off, something so utterly wrong with the food. 

Rich and flavourful.

“Here you go, Kaneki!” Hide chirped, setting the styrofoam cup into his hands.

Kaneki instantly dropped it, the steaming hot liquid spilling over his hands and the table. He couldn’t hear Hide’s distressed yelps, couldn’t feel the scalding coffee burning his hands or Hide trying frantically to wipe it up.

Rich and flavourful.

“Try it, Kaneki. You’re just so hungry, yeah? Well, I’m giving you food. Eat up!” 

Kaneki should have known that Jason was messing with him. That there was something wrong with the juicy red meat in front of him, seasoned well and cooked nicely and just too  _ good _ . 

He’d eaten it anyway.

He’d scarfed it all down like it was the best thing he’d ever tasted, swallowing every last bit of the food Jason had provided. 

“Good boy, Kaneki. Isn’t it so tasty? So rich and flavourful? You’ve never had meat like this before, huh?” 

The meat was off. The meat was off. The meat was off.  _ The meat was off _ . 

“Aren’t you glad we killed her? See, if I didn’t have her body lying around, I wouldn’t have thought of this great treat for you!”

Her. Her.  _ Her _ . Human. Human.  _ Human _ .

“Yeah, that’s right. Doesn’t she taste good? Oh, c’mon, don’t make that face. You were enjoying it a minute ago! Don’t pretend you didn’t like it.”  

The girl. The one that Kaneki didn’t save. Jason cooked her. Jason had chopped her up and made her into food and given her to Kaneki and–

Kaneki had eaten her.

Kaneki had eaten another  _ person _ . 

“See, someone paid a lot of money for her hands. Weird, huh? Some people, I tell you. This world is full of sickos.”

Rize was cackling, laughing and laughing into Kaneki’s ear as if she knew all along, as if it was some sort of inside joke that Kaneki was finally understanding. 

That’s what Jason did. He sold people. He captured people and chopped up their body parts and sold them underground. He wasn’t a drug dealer, he wasn’t a gangster. He was a businessman. He sold people. Humans. Alive or dead. In pieces or in full. 

Kaneki had eaten a person.

And liked it. 

He was disgusting, dirty, repulsive, inhuman, a murderer, slaughterer, disgusting disgusting _ disgusting _ –

Kaneki gagged, flying back to the present and throwing his hands over his mouth. He scrambled past Hide, crawling and stumbling over to the garbage can. Kaneki dry heaved, shaking and crying and trying to block out Rize’s coos and laughs. 

“Shh, relax,” Hide was soothing, his hands on Kaneki’s back. He was being led somewhere down the winding halls and Kaneki just let Hide take him anywhere he wanted. Kaneki was too busy tearing himself apart, the horrifying revelation still astounding to him. 

_ Oh, Kaneki, you’re so funny _ , Rize was still giggling.  _ You puked back then too, you know. _

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry I’m sorry–” Kaneki was crying, blubbering, wanting Hide to forgive him even though Hide didn’t  _ know _ . And Kaneki didn’t want him to know. Kaneki didn’t want  _ anyone  _ to know.

Hide, unsure of what was happening, led Kaneki to the sink and helped him splash cool water on his face. He was shocked, to say the least, and somewhat intimidated by Kaneki’s sudden outburst. 

_ Kaneki, how cute! You’re just as upset as you were the first time! I guess you really haven’t changed at all.  _ Rize cackled. She was in amused hysterics, still rotating from ear to ear, tracing her sharp nails across Kaneki’s skin.  _ Don’t you want some more? Maybe that cute little girl! What was her name? Hinami? Ohh, Jason would just love her! _

“Please, stop, I don’t want to, I didn’t want to I–”

_ Or that other pretty girl! The purple haired one… Touka? She’s awfully beautiful, Kaneki. I don’t know if he’d want to get rid of her very quickly...  _

Kaneki tried to block her out, tried to keep her shrill voice away, tried clawing at his ears and muttering over her voice. 

_ Or what about your precious Hide? He’s not safe either. Jason’s looking for you. He’s still slicing and dicing all he pleases. It could happen to your Hide. It could happen to anyone,  _ Rize taunted. Kaneki froze, his heart stopping momentarily. She was right. Jason was still doing…  _ that _ . Still cutting people up and selling them and doing unspeakable things.

A reassuring hand was placed on his shoulder and Kaneki clung to it, used it as a rope to carry him out of the depths of Rize. 

“She isn’t real, she isn’t here she’s not here she isn’t  _ real _ –” Kaneki was gasping. Dully, in the background, he could hear Hide, his voice soothing. Kaneki tried to latch onto it like he was used to but this time was just so real. 

“Listen, it’s okay. Just focus on breathing,” he cooed. Kaneki could hardly hear him still, Rize’s cackle deafening.

_ This is so precious, you’re just as torn up as before _ , she snorted, pausing.  _ Get it? Torn up! Just like that girl, the one you mowed down on _ –

“Shut up, please, I didn’t–” Kaneki tried, clawing at his ears, wanting her to stop _ stopstop _ . 

_ Oh, but you did! Jason fed her right to you. He’s still doing it, tearing people apart and selling them. Your precious new family will end up there too after all this! _ Rize was taunting. Kaneki froze, his choked breaths cutting off suddenly.

He’s still doing it.

Jason was still out there, still manipulating and mauling people, still ruining them the same way he did to Kaneki. 

In that moment, he thought of somebody he cherished taking his place. If, like Rize had said, Touka was put in his position, or Hinami, or  _ Hide _ . 

He felt emotion stronger than he’d ever felt in his life. He realized, detachedly bitter, that he felt more love for the people he’d only known briefly than for any of his family members. 

Kaneki steeled himself, swallowed his resentment and horror and self-loathing and painted over his features. 

“Hide,” Kaneki said, voice completely flat, slightly rough from his cries. Hide looked shocked, angelic face dropped in elegant surprise. Kaneki resisted the urge to puke again, feeling wrong for accepting his concern. Kaneki didn’t deserve it. 

“A-Are you alright?” Hide stuttered, in absolute surprise at Kaneki’s sudden change in behaviour. It was worrying, really, the way his terror dropped from his face and was replaced by this new cold, blank look. 

“Yes. I’m sorry, I– I need to continue,” Kaneki said. Hide frowned. 

“I don’t know if that’s the–” 

“Please,” Kaneki begged. Hide looked torn, stuck between wanting to wrap Kaneki in a warm blanket forever or finally letting the painful truths fully come out. 

With a sigh, Hide nodded. 

 

Arima was in the same spot when they reentered, looking unfazed. His stare was still steady, grounding Kaneki somewhat as he sat down again.

“Are you alright to continue?” Arima asked. There was no emotion in his voice, not a trace of worry; it was like he knew that Kaneki was intent on resuming.

“Yes. I’m sorry,” Kaneki muttered flatly. Hide was frowning, watching their encounter with narrowed eyes.

“I don’t think–” he tried, but Kaneki cut him off.

“Hide, could you leave the room?” Kaneki requested. Hide’s jaw dropped slightly.

“I- I mean, yeah, if that’s what you want,” he said. Kaneki nodded, hoping to convey his apology through a look. Hide clenched his jaw and nodded, leaving once more.

It was a different atmosphere after that. Arima and Kaneki were silent for a moment, their stoic expressions unwavering.

“So, Kaneki, where were we?” Arima prompted.

“Jason. I can’t pinpoint his exact location for you, but I can tell you his operations. Yes, he does run a drug cartel, but it’s– it’s more than that. He has a whole underground operation. I think he sells body parts, or– I don’t know, disposes of them. There’s… there’s cannibalization too, like… certain elites in this society treat it as a delicacy. I was supposed to be sold as well, but he– he liked me. He didn’t think I’d escape,” Kaneki admitted. Arima made a humming noise, gaze not leaving his. “They do simply disgusting things. There’s no limits to what they’ll do.”

“Anything else?” Arima pushed. If Kaneki was really thinking about it, there was a somewhat pleased undertone to Arima’s voice, as if he was proud.

“I… Uh… No, I don’t think so,” Kaneki stumbled. Arima nodded, standing up and sticking out a hand. 

“Thank you, Kaneki. You’ve grown very much lately. If you remember anything else, don’t hesitate to contact us. All the best,” he said flatly, on autopilot. Kaneki shook his hand timidly, not saying anything in return. 

He had a moment before Hide returned to reflect on how truly fucked up his life was. 

He never thought he would feel nostalgic about his youth, but while sitting there all alone in that sterile, silent room with a phantom taste of blood ghosting on his tongue, a part of Kaneki wished he could go back. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my gosh its been so long im so sorry, but hey this is slowly coming to a close and i promise im gonna finish it!!

After the shocking revelation, it was almost unnerving how calm Kaneki’s life became. Using the leads supplied by Kaneki, the police left him alone in favour of continuing their investigation. Hide and Juuzou became prominent roles in Kaneki’s healing process and he got closer to the other inmates as well, opening up more often and becoming part of their conversations. Naki was an always lurking reminder for Kaneki, but with everybody’s constant reassurance, he was able to learn how to suppress his heavy guilt and sadness. 

Months later, Kaneki found himself realizing that what he felt was friendship. Love, appreciation, happiness–Kaneki was closer to those than he’d ever been in his entire life. Touka, Tsukiyama, Hinami–all of them had helped Kaneki recover. 

Hide, he thought, was different. The feeling around him, the comfort, the sense of home, it wasn’t like that with the others. He owed Hide so much that it made his chest oddly tight and his breath stutter sometimes. He wanted to spend the rest of his days with Hide.

But those days, he knew, were numbered. 

As his mental state became more and more stable, his release date loomed closer and closer. Most people would feel excited at the thought of freedom, but all Kaneki felt was anxiety and fear. He had nowhere to go, nobody to fall back on, no job, and no place to live, but he didn’t know how to tell anybody that. Every time Hide would excitedly clap and pat Kaneki’s back while chattering about how he would get out soon, Kaneki wanted to cry. 

All these thoughts plagued his mind, his nervousness building up again. Hide and Juuzou could tell when Kaneki would shrink back into his own mind, but whenever they asked, Kaneki would brush it off. He didn’t know how to express his worries without sounding weak and pathetic. 

Eventually there came a day where Hide sat him down, smile soothing Kaneki’s worried mind.

“So, it’s been a few months since you got here,” Hide said, and Kaneki’s heart instantly dropped. “And we think your release date should be, possibly, next week.”

Kaneki wanted to throw up, the smile on his face feeling brittle.

“Oh! Wow, it hardly feels like any time has passed,” Kaneki laughed, the voice tasting sour in his mouth. Hide seemed to hesitate at the sound.

“We need to talk about, you know, your plans for when you’re out,” Hide told him. Kaneki nodded, as if he’d already been pondering this exact question for awhile. Then, as he found himself with his mouth open, he realized he truly had nothing to say. He had nothing in general, honestly. 

“Well, I… was going to… probably buy a house,” Kaneki decided on saying. Hide blinked at him a few times, slowly. 

“A… house,” Hide repeated. Kaneki nodded, wishing he could bang his head on the table. Hide bit the inside of his cheek gently. 

“You know you can tell me the truth, right?” Hide reassured him. Kaneki shuffled a little, weighing his choices in his head. 

“I–I have nowhere to go,” Kaneki admitted. “I do want to get out, and I know I can’t stay here forever, but I can’t help but to be afraid. Everyone I know is either dead or in here.” Hide nodded in understanding, smiling gently. 

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I can help you with these things, Kaneki!” Hide scolded lightly, a hand reaching out to grasp Kaneki’s own. Kaneki ignored the clench in his stomach at the light touch, a small smile of relief slipping onto his face. 

“I just–wow, I thought–I don’t know,” Kaneki laughed quietly. Hide smiled even wider, also feeling relief; Kaneki was finally opening up to him about things. 

“I’d never judge you for anything, man. I’m here to help! I want the best for you, yeah?” Hide told him, eyes so earnest that Kaneki bit his lip, nodding.

“I’ll see what I can do for you!” 

 

It wasn’t a week later that Hide was returning to him, a grin almost swallowing up his face. 

“Kaneki!” he called, the airy voice making Kaneki’s heart skip uncomfortably. Kaneki had been on his way to a group session alongside Tsukiyama, the two of them making comfortable conversation. 

“Yes?” Kaneki said, slightly confused at the doctor’s elated expression. Hide glanced to Tsukiyama.

“Do you mind if Kaneki catches up later? I have to discuss something with him,” Hide told Tsukiyama, who nodded politely and dipped his head.

“Of course, see you, Kaneki,” Tsukiyama said. Hide grabbed Kaneki’s hand and practically dragged him to his office, the smile never leaving his face. Though Hide’s eagerness and enthusiasm were contagious, Kaneki couldn’t help but worry about what Hide needed to say.

As soon as they were in the office, Hide spun around, placing his hands on Kaneki’s shoulders. 

“Live with me,” he blurted. Kaneki’s jaw dropped.

“I–You–What?” he stuttered, staring at Hide with wide eyes. Hide giggled, his eyes crinkling into incredibly soft-looking crescents, nose crinkling as he laughed. 

“I talked to a bunch of people and stuff, and… basically, you can live with me until you get back on your feet! With a job and things, you know? I mean, only if you want to, of course. I’ve never offered this to anybody before, but I really care about you, uh, like, I want you to do well, and, um, recover! Yeah, I just really wanna help you out, and–” Hide rambled, a slight blush rising to his cheeks, making his freckles stand out. Kaneki laughed, bringing a hand up to rest on Hide’s own. 

“Thank you, Hide, really, you–God, you’re so nice. Um, I think I might just… consider it. I mean, I’d love to accept your offer, but I feel like I wouldn’t be able to help out very much,” Kaneki admitted. Hide pouted, moving his hands from Kaneki’s shoulders to squish his face gently. 

“Don’t think of it that way! I genuinely want you to stay with me until you’re stable. If you’re really worried, you can pay me back once you have an income,” Hide argued. Kaneki chewed the inside of his lip, weighing his options. He really did want to live with Hide and be around the other until he finally felt capable of caring for himself. But, on the other hand, he was terrified of the other considering him a burden, of Hide suddenly realizing that Kaneki was useless and worthless, just like his Aunt always said. 

“Kaneki,” Hide interrupted, shaking Kaneki’s face. “You’re overthinking. It’ll be fine! And I mean, if you’re really against the idea, at least let me help you find a place.”

“N-No! Uh, I–I think… I want to live with you, for now. But I do want to pay you back eventually. You have to promise to let me pay you back,” Kaneki decided. Hide pulled Kaneki into a hug before he realized what he was doing and buried his nose into Kaneki’s snowy hair. Kaneki tensed for a moment, still unused to the contact, but he relaxed surprisingly quickly, and rested his head on Hide’s collarbone, basking in the feeling. He never really knew how nice hugs were until Hide first introduced them to him in a positive light. 

The hug lasted a few beats too long. Hide pulled away first, blushing, his dimples appearing as his grin turned slightly sheepish. 

“Sorry, too long. I’m happy you agreed, though, I can’t help it,” Hide chuckled. Kaneki was smiling too, lips stretched to the point where it hurt. 

“Don’t be sorry. I’m happy, too,” Kaneki told him. Both of them were blushing then, the slightly awkward silence making them both burst into laughter. It took Juuzou poking his head into the room, asking what was so funny, to calm them both down. 

 

It was a week later when Kaneki was saying goodbye to everybody and promising to come back and visit them. He found himself feeling true sadness while walking away with Hide and Juuzou. Kaneki really did care for his newfound friends; he wasn’t used to having such trouble saying goodbye since before his accident he didn’t have anyone  _ to _ say goodbye to. But now, sitting in the backseat of Hide’s car with Juuzou in the front, he found himself feeling a twisted sense of nostalgia towards his initial arrival. When he first arrived, he had nothing. No friends, no family, no possessions. Now, he had more friends than he’d ever imagined, some of them close enough to be considered family. 

“Wait, Hide, we have something to do,” Juuzou said suddenly. Kaneki smiled, remembering what Juuzou had said to him.

‘ _ When you get out, I’m gonna pay to cover up that scar with a nice pretty tattoo, and you’re gonna suck it up and get it,’  _ he’d demanded, and Kaneki had agreed. He was nervous now, the thought of a needle continuously stabbing him was a bit scary. 

His next thought though was that he’d be okay as long as Hide was there. 

“Hmm? What is it?” Hide asked. Juuzou grinned, filling him in on the plan. Hide’s eyes widened, glancing back at Kaneki.

“Are you… are you really gonna do it?” Hide questioned, voice only showing concern. Kaneki smiled, nodding his head. 

“This is my way of letting go, I think,” Kaneki explained. Hide hummed.

“Well, okay then, show me the way,” he instructed.

It wasn’t long until Kaneki was lying down, his heart thudding in his chest, staring at Hide as the artist started her machine. 

“This is so exciting! I can’t wait!” Juuzou sang, sitting on a stool in the corner. Kaneki kept looking at Hide, his fear of needles starting to kick in. 

“Hey, you’ll be fine, ‘Neki. I’m right here, okay?” Hide reassured. Kaneki smiled, some of the nervousness slipping away with the words. 

“Okay, if you could take off your shirt now, I’ll place the stencil down,” she said. Kaneki bit the inside of his cheek hard enough to draw blood, forcing himself to remove his shirt. Juuzou, bless him and his observance, had brought a thin blanket to lay across the part of Kaneki’s stomach that wasn’t being tattooed, effectively hiding his other scars that he hated to show. The artist, probably warned beforehand about the sensitive situation, didn’t say anything; she worked professionally, making sure Kaneki liked the design before sterilizing everything and getting ready to begin.

“You just have to look at me the whole time,” Hide told him, shamelessly holding his hand. Kaneki nodded, telling the artist that she could begin. 

Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt much. It was mostly an irritating itch, something that buzzed in the back of his mind quietly. Hide was keeping him distracted, talking about all the things he planned on doing with him now that Kaneki was out. Juuzou mostly spoke with the artist, the topics ranging from her favourite zoo animal to how she became an artist. Kaneki was hardly listening to them, his attention entirely on Hide. 

“Why sunflowers?” Hide asked, referring to Kaneki’s tattoo. He blushed, not meeting Hide’s eyes. 

“No reason,” he muttered. Hide raised an eyebrow, squeezing Kaneki’s hand gently.

“Whatever you say, but I feel like–”

“Nope,” Kaneki interrupted. Hide shook his head, playfully rolling his eyes.Juuzou had stopped talking to the artist in order to send Kaneki a smug smile which Kaneki ignored.

It took forever for the artist to finish, constantly asking if Kaneki wanted to take a break. He refused every time, afraid that if he saw the needle, he’d be unable to finish. But when it was over, the machine going quiet, Kaneki felt himself excited to see it. 

“Well, that was easy,” the artist laughed, rubbing ointment onto the tattoo. “Do you want to see?”

“Uhm, yes, please,” Kaneki said timidly. She handed him a small mirror and stepped out of the room with Juuzou to pay. 

“It’s really pretty, Kaneki,” Hide told him, voice soft. Kaneki stared at it in wonder, mouth slightly parted in surprise. He’d seen the design, he’d known what he was getting, but seeing it on his body was so much different. The sunflowers were a mixture of swirling pale yellows and light browns, spiralling over his chest and hiding the ugly scars. Tiny bursts of red and white spider lilies poked through the gaps between the sunflowers, adding a pop of colour. 

He looked up at Hide, who was staring at the tattoo intently. 

“Yeah,” Kaneki said, voice equally gentle, “It is.”

 

The tattoo hurt slightly on their way back to Hide’s apartment, but Kaneki’s excitement pushed the pain to the back of his mind. 

“So, this is home,” Hide said, pushing open the door. Kaneki’s eyes took in everything quickly, absorbing the warm colours and the inviting smell. “It’s not much, but it’s all I’ve got.” 

“It’s so… cozy,” Kaneki grinned, standing uneasily in the entrance. Hide laughed at him caringly.

“You can make yourself at home, you know. You live here now too after all,” Hide said. Kaneki nodded, a warm feeling spreading throughout his stomach. 

“So, here’s the kitchen, clean for once. Trust me, it won’t stay this way, I’m a mess. Here’s my bedroom, so exciting, wow, and here’s the bathroom, and over here’s the living room. It’s really small,” Hide explained, taking Kaneki around the apartment. 

“I love it,” Kaneki laughed. Hide grinned at him.

“Wait, it gets better,” he muttered, ruffling around the blankets on his bed until he pulled out a cat. “Maximus!” 

“Oh wow,” Kaneki gasped, holding out a timid hand to touch the cat. When Maximus didn’t respond, Kaneki pet her gently. 

“She likes you!” Hide reassured, letting Kaneki pet the cat for awhile longer. “So, I only have one bed at the moment, and until we get another one, you can use it.”

“That’s hardly fair,” Kaneki argued. Hide put Maximus down, brushing cat hair off his shirt and waving Kaneki’s concerns away.

“Nah, I’ll be fine! Plus, I should have had one prepared beforehand, so it’s my fault,” Hide explained. Kaneki pouted.

“But this is your house, Hide! I can sleep on the couch, trust me, I’ve slept on worse,” Kaneki laughed, trying to ease Hide’s worries. Hide only looked concerned though, his smile dampened. 

“Okay, okay, we’ll figure this out a little later, yeah? For now, I have a present for you!” Hide changed the subject quickly, rustling around his drawers a bit. Kaneki was shocked and confused. He’d never really gotten a present before. On top of that, he wasn’t sure what he’d done to warrant one. 

“Here! Sorry about the wrapping, I’m not very good at that stuff,” Hide chuckled, handing the poorly wrapped gift over. Kaneki took it timidly, unsure of what to say. 

The gift was a book, a poetry anthology by a familiar author. Kaneki’s eyes went wide, his heart clenching.

“I wasn’t too sure about what to get you, but I figured that this was a good idea, because, well, I’ve still gotta work, and you might get bored, and I know you like reading, so–” Hide rambled. Kaneki cut him off by wrapping him in a hug, an effective way of saying thank you and hiding his tears. Hide responded quickly, returning the hug with an equal amount of passion, rubbing his hand up Kaneki’s back gently. 

“I–You–Why?” Kaneki stuttered, muffled by Hide’s neck. 

“Think of it as a... I don’t know, a toast to our new life, maybe,” Hide said. Kaneki laughed giddily. 

“I love it,” he muttered, voice hoarse and scratchy from the lump in his throat. Hide pulled back but remained close, still connected to each other by Hide’s hands on Kaneki’s shoulders. 

“Really? Be honest, if you don’t–”

“Hide, truly, I do. Thank you, so much, for–for  _ everything _ . You’ve done more for me than anybody in my life ever has before,” Kaneki admitted. Hide’s eyes softened, the warm brown colour becoming even lighter. 

“You don’t have to thank me, Kaneki. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

 

It only took them thirty minutes to get Kaneki settled in. They argued over the sleeping situation a little more and eventually decided to just watch some movies together on the couch. 

“You know what we have to watch, right?” Hide said dramatically. Kaneki raised an eyebrow.

“What do we have to watch?” Kaneki asked. Hide dug around his movie collection and dug out a battered copy of Star Wars. Kaneki burst out laughing, trying to collect himself as Hide held Star Wars above his head like it was a prize. 

“What? Listen, this–this movie–Kaneki, oh my God,” Hide started laughing as well, unable to contain it. 

Eventually, they both calmed down enough for Hide to actually get the movie in and for them to settle on the couch. It wasn’t a big couch at all, more of a loveseat, so they sat thigh-to-thigh, both of them too shy to actually initiate any further contact. Kaneki spent most of the first movie paying attention, but when during the second, he found himself watching Hide more than the T.V. He was so passionate, pointing out key scenes and characters to Kaneki without taking his eyes off the screen. Unconsciously, both of their nervousness melted away and they got closer and closer until Hide’s arm was around Kaneki’s shoulders and Kaneki’s legs were tucked up on Hide’s lap.

Kaneki found it odd how comfortable he felt in this position, with another person so close to him in a way that wasn’t threatening. He’d had so much pain and anger in his life that these feelings for Hide were new and fresh. Even with his Mother the positive feelings were twisted by an undertone of hate. But with Hide everything he felt was pure and gentle, lacking any negativity at all. With a shock, Kaneki thought that this was the happiest he’d ever felt in his life. Though he had no family and no real home of his own, he had other people who, for some reason, cherished him. 

As the fourth movie was coming to a close, Kaneki realized that Hide had been quiet for too long. When he glanced over, he saw that Hide was fast asleep, mouth slightly parted and head tilted back. Carefully, Kaneki let his head rest on Hide’s shoulder, basking in the feeling of closeness. He let his eyes slip closed and sleep take him, for once not worried about the morning.

 

Outside the apartment, the same eccentric man as before sat parked in the same vehicle, this time with a different phone. 

“Is it the place?” A gruff voice asked on the other end. The eccentric man made an affirmative hum. 

“Yes, they’re here.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this took forever i am trash   
> it's almost done tho helel yeah

Living with Hide became normal to Kaneki far too quickly. At first, when he would be unsure of where the cups are or when he’d wake Hide in the middle of the night with a nightmare, he’d feel guilty; he didn’t like burdening others. It was moulded into him from the day he was born. But gradually, the guilt began to fall away and comfort started to settle in its place. When Hide went back to work, Kaneki found himself cleaning or cooking or reading the endless books that Hide supplied. It went on like that for awhile, a calm and gentle setting for Kaneki to readjust. 

Nighttime was Kaneki’s favourite because that was when Hide came home. The two of them would talk, but not in the counselling way that Kaneki was used to; they truly got to know each other, all of the basic things. They still occasionally had a weighty talk, usually ending with Kaneki spilling something new about his past. 

Kaneki was recognizing the feeling in his chest as love, but not in the way he had loved his mother, or his friends. It was a deep, rich love, one that heated his cheeks and made his stomach flip, the kind he read about so often. He knew that it wasn’t right of him; in his books, these feelings were always between a male and a female. Yet, even knowing that it was wrong, the feeling didn’t go away. It lingered and acted up every time Hide would smile or touch him or even say something Kaneki found cute. 

“I’m home!” Hide called out, startling Kaneki. He fumbled with the plate he was holding, catching it at the last minute and setting it gently on the counter. 

“I’m in the kitchen!” Kaneki said, turning off the oven. Hide came running into the room, grabbing Kaneki around the waist and spinning him around suddenly. “Woah, Hide, what-”

“Touka got out today!” Hide cheered, setting Kaneki back down but keeping his arms around his waist. 

“W-What?” Kaneki stammered, cheeks starting to lift in a smile.

“She went back home today! Finally, she gets to see her lady friend again,” Hide teased, wiggling his eyebrows. Kaneki laughed, his hands timidly resting on Hide’s chest. 

“That’s great! I’m sure she must have been happy,” Kaneki sighed, still smiling. Hide nodded, letting go of Kaneki to dig around the fridge. 

“She was, I think. I’m not positive, it’s hard to tell with her,” Hide admitted. Kaneki hummed in agreement, returning to preparing dinner. Hide kept rambling about his day, and Kaneki listened attentively while placing Hide’s supper in front of him. They ate peacefully, cleaned up together and ended up lounging on the couch. 

That was how most of their nights went lately. It was achingly domestic, something that Kaneki had longed for since he was young. 

He was letting himself drift asleep on Hide’s shoulder, happy to end the night this way, when Hide spoke up. 

“Kaneki?” he muttered, voice gentle but seeming loud in the quiet atmosphere. Kaneki blinked his eyes open and leaned up to look at Hide. “I’m really happy that you’re here with me, you know?” Kaneki blushed, the sudden statement taking him off guard. 

“M-Me too,” Kaneki stammered, biting the inside of his cheek to hide his grin. Hide did nothing to conceal his, lips stretching upwards fondly. 

“Kaneki,” Hide said again.

“Hmm?” Kaneki responded.

“Can I kiss you?” 

Kaneki’s eyes widened almost comically, completely taken aback. He was so surprised that he forgot to say anything and Hide’s face fell.

“I-I’m sorry–” Hide started, but Kaneki didn’t let him continue.

“Yes,” Kaneki whispered. Now it was Hide’s turn to look shocked. Not waiting any longer, Hide tipped his head forward and connected their lips gently, just a slight brush. Kaneki’s whole body tensed, making Hide chuckle.

“Relax,” he muttered, connecting their lips more firmly. Kaneki felt elated, felt his heart stuttering and his stomach flipping. It was every cliche he’d ever read about but better because it was  _ Hide  _ here with him, holding him gently, being so careful and loving. As they kissed he thought about how much this meant to him and what it meant for their relationship.

His mind froze suddenly. A quiet, usually dormant voice in the back of his mind started to speak.

_ Don’t you remember what those lips have done, Kaneki? I thought you liked Hide. Why would you taint him this way? _ Rize was scolding. Kaneki tried to ignore her, tried to focus on Hide, but her voice kept getting louder and louder. 

_ You’ve eaten people, but you’re going to kiss him anyways? You’re so selfish, honestly. Your mother would be so disappointed,  _ Rize continued. Kaneki felt himself flinch and opened his eyes when Hide pulled back. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, pupils wide and hair messy and lips so pink that Kaneki wanted to cry. 

“S-She’s here,” Kaneki muttered, knowing better than to try to lie to Hide. The freckled boy frowned, bringing a hand up to rub Kaneki’s cheek gently. 

“Rize? Why?” Hide prompted, still making soothing motions across Kaneki’s face, tracing his jawline. Kaneki didn’t let himself meet Hide’s concerned stare.

“She… she thinks it’s not fair that I haven’t told you certain… things,” Kaneki said carefully. Hide tilted his head to the side, noting the way that Kaneki’s posture started to shrink. 

“I don’t mind that you haven’t told me certain things,” Hide reassured. “I understand how hard it may be to talk about and I don’t blame you at all.” 

“But it’s-it’s not–” Kaneki struggled. 

_ Don’t tell him! He’ll be disgusted! He’ll kick you out and then Jason will find you again. He’ll hate you, he’ll think you’re a  _ monster _ , you can’t tell him– _

“Shut up,” Kaneki snapped out loud, looking to the side where he knew Rize was and glaring. Hide gently turned his head so they were looking at each other. 

“You’ve gotta make her go away,” Hide told him. Kaneki let out a quiet whining sound, a headache starting to form.

“I don’t know how, she-she won’t go unless I tell you but if I… if I tell you then–” Kaneki cut himself off with a choked noise. “You’ll think I’m a monster.”

“I’d never think that,” Hide scolded immediately. Kaneki laughed bitterly. 

“You don’t know what I’ve done,” he argued. Hide dropped his hand to hold Kaneki’s.

“Then tell me,” Hide soothed. Kaneki took a deep breath, pondering his options. He supposed that if he didn’t tell Hide now, he’d end up explaining everything later and by then he could be even more in love with Hide than he already was. If Hide did start hating him now, it would probably be easier to handle.

“When I was with Jason,” Kaneki started, “he tortured me in lots of ways. Yes, he made all of those physical wounds, but he also… he inflicted a lot more mental pain than people know. He… he raped me, quite frequently, and he would taunt me. He’d talk about my mother, and my aunt, and remind me that neither of them cared about me. And he-he made me… eat people. He starved me to the point where I could eat whatever he gave me. One day, he told me that the-the food I was eating was a girl I knew, and–I don’t know if he was lying or not, but I don’t think he was.”

When Kaneki looked up at Hide, there was tears flowing out of his eyes, pouring over his freckles and landing on his lap. Kaneki forced back his own urge to cry. 

“I’m sorry for not telling you. I… understand if you want me to-to leave,” Kaneki said. Hide shook his head frantically, sniffling and taking Kaneki by surprise by pulling him into a hug.

“W-Why–”

“I’d never ever hate you, Kaneki,” Hide cried, voice watery and pained. The sad tone in his voice made Kaneki ache. 

“Please don’t cry,” Kaneki whispered into the side of Hide’s head, shock wearing off enough for him to wrap his own arms around Hide. 

“I-I’m so sorry you-you went through that, but it’s not–that doesn’t make you a monster at all, I–” Hide was stammering, his hands gripping the back of Kaneki’s shirt tightly. 

“It’s okay, Hide, I–You helped me learn to cope with everything that happened, the only thing keeping me on edge was how  _ you  _ would react,” Kaneki tried to explain. Hide’s sniffles started to slow down, thankfully, and he finally pulled back. Kaneki gave him a smile, a genuine one, wiping his tears away with his sleeve. Hide’s eyes were puffy, his face blotchy with red, but he was still so shockingly beautiful.

“Why are you pretty when you cry,” Kaneki grumbled. “That’s not fair.” Hide laughed and smacked Kaneki's chest weakly. 

“Shut up,” Hide protested. Kaneki pouted.

“No, it’s true,” he argued, bumping his nose against Hide’s. “But you should stop crying because I like it when you smile more.” Hide laced his fingers with Kaneki’s more slender ones and brought Kaneki’s hand to his mouth before kissing it, a smirk on his face.

“So we kiss once and suddenly you’re spilling all your secrets and becoming the cheesiest boyfriend to ever exist?” Hide teased. Kaneki blushed, eyes flicking towards his lap.

“Are we–you know… are we boyfriends?” Kaneki asked shyly, still unable to look at Hide but needing to clarify. Hide laughed, flipping their hands to press his nose against Kaneki’s wrist.

“If you want to be,” Hide offered. Kaneki nodded eagerly.

“I’d, uh, I’d really like that,” he muttered, making Hide giggle some more. “Stop it!”

“I’m sorry, you’re just so cute,” Hide chuckled. Kaneki blushed even redder. 

“So, you… you’re not worried about having me around?” Kaneki asked. Hide looked confused, so Kaneki elaborated. “I’ve done lot of bad things, and I just feel like I’m…a burden, or, uh, something.”

“If this is about your Aunt, she was wrong. You’re not a burden. In fact, you’re the opposite of a burden. If there is such a thing?” Hide said. Kaneki laughed.

“Uh, I guess a blessing maybe? Or advantage?” he answered, more of a question than an answer. Hide nodded, looking convinced. 

“Yes. So you’re a blessing and an advantage,” he stated. Kaneki smiled, chest swelling almost painfully. 

“Thank you, Hide,” he muttered. Hide ruffled his hair. 

“You don’t have to thank me,” he countered, switching the motions of his hand; instead of messing up Kaneki’s hair, he ran his fingers through the fine strands. Kaneki hummed in contentment, readjusting so that he was lying in Hide’s lap, head tucked into his shoulder. Hide laughed, scratching the back of his head gently.

“You’re like a cat,” he joked, laughing when Kaneki grunted out a response. 

They laid peacefully, Kaneki nearly falling asleep and Hide watching whatever the T.V was playing in the background. 

Eventually, after awhile of peace, Kaneki remembered something.

“Hey,” he mumbled, making Hide jump slightly. 

“Hey,” Hide repeated. Kaneki giggled. 

“You know my tattoo? How you were asking what it means?” Kaneki asked, feeling rather than seeing Hide nod. 

“What about it?” Hide prompted. Kaneki sat up, looking at Hide.

“The sunflowers represent you,” Kaneki admitted. Hide’s eyes widened. 

“W-What?”

“I read somewhere that sunflowers can symbolize positivity and strength and you’ve given me both of those things. So I thought, what better to cover up my scars than a symbol of you? And, well, I’m not exactly healed through the power of love or anything, but you–you and Juuzou and everyone else–you all contributed to saving me, I think,” Kaneki described. Hide just smiled, pulling Kaneki in for the millionth time that night.

“I’m glad I could help.” 

  
  


Kaneki smiled at himself in the bathroom mirror. He was dressed in something other than pajamas with his hair styled messily and shoes on. He was going out to surprise Hide by buying groceries. He remembered Hide saying that he hated that task since he had no self control. And, to add to the surprise, Kaneki was planning on making one of Hide’s favourite dishes, a more complex meal that involved fresh ingredients. 

Humming to himself, Kaneki stuffed his wallet into his back pocket, taking a deep breath and giving himself confidence. He felt good, ready to do things on his own again and help support Hide. He knew now that Hide didn’t see him as a burden, but he wanted to contribute still anyways.

The click of his door opening made Kaneki’s eyebrows furrow. He frowned, confused as to why Hide was home so early and ruining the surprise. 

“Hide?” he called out, starting towards the door. “Why–”

“Hello again,” a sultry voice cooed, making Kaneki’s blood run cold. Panic rose in his throat and he didn’t waste a second, turning around and sprinting away from where Jason stood in the doorway.

“Get him!” Jason snapped at his men. Kaneki could hear their footsteps behind him as he slammed the door to the bedroom shut and locked it, getting to the window and forcing it open. He could hear the door being kicked at and frantically pushed the screen off the window, squeezing through the small space and landing on the cold fire escape. He started scrambling down the stairs, taking a glance up and meeting Jason’s eyes.

“Run as long as you want to, Kaneki,” Jason laughed. “I have people everywhere!”

Kaneki finally touched solid ground and sprinted out of the alleyway, trying to figure out what to do. He remembered his white hair and pulled up his hood, thankful for the chilly weather making him blend into the crowd more. 

_ Where are you going to go, Kaneki? I told you, didn’t I? I told you that he’d find you if you kept helping the police. Sure enough, look what happened! _ Rize was screeching, unable to be seen but heard loud and clear. Kaneki pushed her away almost effortlessly, too worried to even notice her. 

He noticed that his feet were taking him towards where Juuzou lived. He’d only been there once when he and Hide had gone there for dinner, but the route was memorized. He couldn’t remember the exact building though and he bit at the inside of his lip, trying to remember. He didn’t see Jason anywhere, but he knew that he was being followed and the stream of people he was walking in was thinning. 

He remembered his phone tucked into his back pocket and thought about calling Juuzou for help. After a moment he decided against it; he’d never be able to live with himself if Juuzou got hurt because of him. 

While thinking, Kaneki turned down a random corner and realized too late that it was an alleyway with no people in it.

“Shit, shit, shit,” he murmured, turning around and scanning for any of Jason’s men. 

A fist connected with his face when he turned back around and knocked him off his feet. Kaneki stumbled, a hand going to cradle his nose as he fell. He looked up in time to see the man swinging a leg back to kick him. Kaneki managed to roll out of the way, get to his feet and step back. The man opened his mouth, no doubt to alert the others, but Kaneki lurched at him, kneeing the man in the groin. He doubled over in pain and Kaneki didn’t waste any time, thrusting the palm of his hand into the man’s nose and wincing at the cracking sound. Kaneki sprinted away again while the man was doubled over, retreating the way he came and trying to blend into the crowd again. After a lot of consideration, he decided to pull out his phone to warn Hide. The thought of Hide going home into Jason’s waiting arms made Kaneki sick. 

“Yo, Kaneki, I–” Hide answered after only two rings. Kaneki cut him off loudly. 

“Hide, Jason’s here, I need you to–” Kaneki began, voice raspy from running. 

“What?! Have you called the cops? Where are you?” Hide asked. Kaneki skidded to a stop once he got onto a main street, spinning around and scanning the area. 

“You can’t go home, he knows about you, he’ll use you. Just-just–” Kaneki was stammering, unsure of what he was trying to say. There was some shuffling in the background as Hide most likely told somebody to call the cops. 

“Can you get here?” Hide said. Kaneki sucked in a sharp breath, starting to run in a random direction when he caught sight of Naki. 

“D-Did Naki get out?” he gasped, darting down random streets as quickly as he could. 

“Yes, awhile ago, but–” Hide answered. Kaneki swore, legs trembling and heart racing. He skidded to a stop when he noticed that the alley he ran down was another dead end.

“Fuck, fuck, I’m fucked,” Kaneki laughed, borderline hysterically. Hide was trying to calm him down, voice low and reassuring, the way he used to do when Kaneki had first met him. 

“Hide, I love you,” Kaneki muttered. “Please, please don’t look for me, just let the police do it.”

“Why are–” Hide started. Kaneki couldn’t hear the rest; he had already hung up and thrown the phone against the brick wall, shattering it. He could hear footsteps approaching and braced himself by taking a shuddering breath. 

“Done running?” Jason teased as he came into view, the same beefy, intimidating man that Kaneki could vividly remember. Kaneki said nothing, knowing better than to give in to his verbal abuse. “Tie him up, boys.”

“Aren’t you going to kill me?” Kaneki asked, head snapping up to look at Jason directly. The man laughed a hearty chuckle, hand on his stomach.

“No, no, Kaneki. I’m going to do a  _ lot  _ worse than kill you,” Jason explained slowly, leaning close to Kaneki now that his arms and legs were restrained. “I’m going to rip apart your mind before I rip apart your body.”

“You’ve already done that,” Kaneki argued bitterly, voice sounding flat despite the panic threatening to suffocate him. Jason got even closer so that his nose brushed the shell of Kaneki’s ear. 

“But this time,” he muttered, “I’m not gonna hold back.” 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh shit this is The End thx for sticking around

Kaneki felt numb. 

Sometimes, he’d think that maybe the whole first escape was a dream. That he never got away, but simply imagined the entire thing to make himself feel better. But the thought of Hide, his touch, his soft words, his radiant smile; those thoughts were too real to be made up. His memory was what kept Kaneki going, what kept Kaneki sane as Jason taunted and hurt him.

“You awake?” Jason’s voice rang out, the clanging of the cell door unlocking making him flinch. Kaneki didn’t respond, per usual, staying curled up in his corner as the endless amount of locks undid one by one. He knew the routine. Jason would force him into a checkered room, tie him up sitting or lying down, and do whatever he pleased. It was a constant routine that Kaneki hated to fall back into so easily.

“I know you’re not sleeping, boy, so don’t pretend,” Jason scolded, hauling him up by his arm. Kaneki knew faking wouldn’t work. It never worked. Kaneki didn’t have the strength or motivation to resist; he let himself be dragged along, legs hardly keeping up with Jason. 

“Sit,” he demanded, tossing Kaneki into the chair and locking his feet and wrists to it roughly. With a grunt, Jason pulled another chair directly in front of Kaneki, plopping down and cracking his knuckles. 

“How was your sleep?” he asked tauntingly. Kaneki didn’t look at him. Jason nodded anyways.

“Nothing’s changed with you, huh? Still the same,” he sighed and paused. “Except, you have a weakness now, don’t you?” Kaneki looked up. Jason was smirking. 

“Hide, right? He seems nice. Pretty young thing too, isn’t he? I can’t wait to meet–”

“Shut up,” Kaneki snapped. Jason laughed, the sound echoing off the walls and piercing Kaneki’s ears. 

“Hoo, boy, this is gonna be  _ fun _ !” he sang, standing once more to rustle around the tray he’d brought. Kaneki bit the inside of his cheek, taming the fury rolling in his gut. Provoking him was Jason’s goal and he wasn’t going to let him win. 

“I missed this, Kaneki, truly. I’m still bitter that you managed to escape, because now I’m definitely going to have to get rid of you, but, wow. I really did some damage, didn’t I?” Jason rambled. Kaneki tried to keep his face blank but Jason must have seen his knee-jerk reaction to the mention of his escape. 

“What was that face for?” he asked, voice intrigued. Kaneki looked away. 

“Your escape? Is that it?” Jason prodded. Living with Hide must have made Kaneki more of an open book because Jason caught on quickly.

“I was shocked too, Kaneki. I didn’t think you’d actually have the balls to do something like that,” Jason chuckled. Kaneki knew that Jason was aware of his vague words and the effect they had on Kaneki’s mind. He felt like he was on the edge, so close to being in control of his mind, but Jason just kept pulling him back.

“What–What did I do?” Kaneki asked, voice low. Jason raised an eyebrow.

“Do you really  _ want  _ to know?” Jason laughed, making Kaneki clamp his jaw shut. He nodded, but the movement was weak and jerky. 

“That isn’t convincing,” Jason mocked. Kaneki observed him as he twirled around different knives and syringes, running his fingers over them almost lovingly. When he noticed Kaneki’s glare, he rolled his eyes, sitting back down. 

“It was all Rize’s fault. Crazy bitch,” Jason mumbled. Kaneki jolted, eyes widening.

“R-Rize? She–” Kaneki gasped out. Jason raised an eyebrow.

“Naki told me that you were getting your shit together. Why are you confused?” Jason wondered. Kaneki grit his teeth together. 

“What did I–”

“Oh, you absolutely ripped her apart,” Jason interrupted. “I don’t know how you managed to do it, but we found her in shreds!” Kaneki’s mind blanked. He tried to remember, he dug as deep as he could, but all he could see was red, red, red everywhere; coating his hands and coating the ground and coating his mind, leaking from his mouth and ears and eyes and filling up his brain. 

“I didn’t, I wouldn’t,” Kaneki argued, voice shaking. Jason was practically giggling. 

“Oh, this is glorious! You did, Kaneki, you killed her and you made her suffer,” Jason told him, voice deep with truth that Kaneki couldn’t deny. A small noise escaped his throat and he found himself falling again, back into that place he went to whenever Jason was concerned, the cold and dark corner of his mind that sheltered him from what was happening to his body. Despair was gnawing at his heart and trying drive him insane but Kaneki ignored it, receding back into his own mind and destroying all the progress he and Hide had made. 

Jason rubbed a meaty hand over Kaneki’s neck, trailing it up to yank at his whitened hair. 

“Better start counting,” Jason laughed, and Kaneki screamed. 

  
  


Kaneki knew that a lot of time hadn’t passed but he felt like he’d been in captivity for ages. His stomach was starting to knot, his time being free had made him too used to regular meals, and his body ached with new wounds. He forgot how hopeless it felt to be in Jason’s hold. 

Rize wasn’t making his suffering any more bearable. After Jason’s revelation, she creeped her way back into Kaneki’s mind, the memories of her death coming back to him in pieces. 

_ Didn’t you know what you did to me? You’re really not a good person, Kaneki. You  _ killed  _ me. That’s why I’m here, don’t you know?  _ She’d tell him, yell in his head, laugh at his distress and replay the scene over and over. Kaneki remembered vividly. He remembered the way his hands wrapped around her throat, the way his nails scratched at her face, tearing and pulling and  _ ruining _ . 

He didn’t have much time to think about what he did though; he was constantly dealing with the things Jason was doing. 

“Kaneki, I’m back!” his voice echoed through the hallway. Kaneki felt his whole body stiffen, a shiver running through his body. The now-familiar clanking of the locks undoing made him flinch. 

“Don’t be afraid, I have food!” Jason laughed. Kaneki’s traitorous stomach growled, the idea of food making him quiver. Jason poked his head into the room, shit-eating grin on his face. Kaneki knew he was playing some sort of trick, knew that there was no way Jason would feed him something decent. 

“Here, look! Food, just for you,” he taunted, placing a pristine white plate down on the floor in front of where Kaneki was curled in the corner. The plate was topped with a single slice of indistinguishable meat that Kaneki refused to look too long at. Jason crouched in front of him, nudging the plate closer. 

“Look at it, Kaneki. It’s just meat. Aren’t you hungry? It’s been, what, two days?  You must be  _ starving _ !” Jason prompted. Kaneki glared at him.

“I’m not eating it,” he croaked, voice hoarse. Jason picked up the piece of meat with a fork, holding it up so that whatever sauce he’d placed on it dripped deliciously onto the plate, splattering slightly. 

“Why, that doesn’t seem polite! Here I am, offering you a meal, and you’re rejecting it,” Jason frowned. Kaneki bared his teeth, holding back his snark comments that he knew would only bring him pain. Jason dropped the meat and fork with a loud clatter, standing up and brushing off his knees.

“Hmm, maybe you want to eat something else? A different… part, maybe?” Jason pretended to consider this, a hand on his chin. He grinned suddenly, shark-like, making Kaneki’s jaw clench. “Ah! I know just the thing!” 

“I don’t want it,” Kaneki tried to protest, voice embarrassingly weak. “Let me starve, please, I don’t want it I don’t-”

“Voila!” Jason sang, returning to the room a moment later, holding something new in his hands. 

Kaneki felt himself gag, wanting to throw up but unable to do so with the lack of substance in his stomach. He refused to look at Jason, eyes fixed on the floor as he retched, the sight of the severed head Jason was holding seared into Kaneki’s mind. Jason’s laugh boomed in Kaneki’s ears.

“No, Kaneki, look! You know who this is, right?” Jason asked, making Kaneki freeze. Slowly, carefully, he turned his head to look at Jason again. 

He saw blond hair. 

“No,” Kaneki gasped out softly, quiet, almost too quiet. Jason heard him though, and his grin seemed to widen. 

“Yes!” he countered. “You’re right, Kaneki! I got him just for you, since you missed him so much. And now he’s giving himself up so that  _ you  _ can eat!” 

Kaneki couldn’t feel anything. He felt like he wasn’t real, like his body had become part of the floor. He simply stared at the head of blond hair until tears sprung to his eyes and an icy sense of despair washed through him. Jason kept laughing, with his filthy, _ filthy _ hands on Hide’s (dead, dead, dead) head, because he killed him. Jason  _ killed  _ Hide. Hide was  _ dead. _

The ice in his bones melted and gave way to a rage that made Kaneki’s vision blur and his hands tremble.

“What did you do to him?” Kaneki screamed, tears falling and dripping onto the concrete. Jason placed the head in front of Kaneki, a puddle of blood (Hide’s blood, Hide’s blood, Hide’s blood) pooling on the floor under it. The blood creeped towards where Kaneki sat and he knew that if it touched him, it would never come off. It would sink into his skin and eat at his bones until he became nothing at all. 

“Aw, Kaneki, isn’t this what you wanted? At night, when you’d cry for Hide. Didn’t you miss him?” Jason continued. Kaneki wasn’t listening because there was blood on his hands now. Coating them, staining them, eating at them. 

The shock in his veins was beginning to dim. He couldn’t feel anything aside from the sticky blood that was slowly seeping into the fabric of his pants now. He needed to get out of the tiny room, needed to go and tell someone to save Hide, to get Hide back. 

Kaneki looked up at Jason, blocking the doorway, figure tall and menacing. Kaneki clenched his fists and felt anger brewing in his stomach. 

“Your fault,” Kaneki whispered. “Everything, everything, everything, it’s  _ all your fault. _ ” 

Before Jason could react, Kaneki was lurching forwards, legs wobbly from disuse. Jason merely laughed, flinging Kaneki’s body aside easily. Kaneki scrambled and got up fast, catching Jason off guard and giving him an opportunity to scratch down Jason’s face. He stumbled back, clutching at his now-damaged eye, giving Kaneki enough room to squeeze by and run. Jason was laughing, borderline maniacally, evidently recovered from the scratch. Kaneki didn’t look back at him, running blindly through doors until he ended up in the torture room again, cornered. He spun back around, only to be grabbed by Jason.

“No! Let me go! Murderer!” Kaneki howled, struggling with all his might. Jason dropped him harshly, stomping on Kaneki’s leg and stopping him from getting up. Kaneki screamed when Jason pinned him down, thrashing and trying to hit anything he could. 

“If you don’t stop, I’ll kill you,” Jason warned. Kaneki kept screaming, kept struggling, not listening to him. Jason seemed only amused. He was talking again, words that Kaneki couldn’t comprehend though the haze of panic. He just wanted to leave, to find Hide. But he knew that he couldn’t, because Hide was dead, Jason killed him, Jason killed Hide.

A flicker in the corner of Kaneki’s eyes made him glance to the left. Miraculously, there laid a pair of scissors, presumably fallen from the tool table that Jason kept in the room. Kaneki struggled harder, fingers inching towards the sharp object until his middle finger pulled the handle closer. Without any hesitation, Kaneki brought the scissors down on the nearest body part he could. He heard Jason howl as the muscle of his thigh was torn, the scissors dragging downwards and spraying blood all over Kaneki. Jason stumbled back but Kaneki kept his grip firm, tearing the scissors back out and crawling over Jason’s writhing body. He didn’t waver, stabbing down again on Jason’s chest. Jason was screaming, hands hitting and tearing at Kaneki violently, but the smaller boy kept his stance, stabbing down again and again until he couldn’t tell whose blood was whose. 

“Y-Yo–” Jason spluttered, blood bubbling up over his lips and splattering over Kaneki’s face. Kaneki kept up his slashing until he was positive that Jason wasn’t moving, that he was completely dead. 

Then, he laughed.

Kaneki laughed, sitting on top of Jason’s mutilated body, until his lungs stung with every breath. 

Jason was dead. After everything, all this, Jason was dead. And Kaneki had killed him. 

_ You’ve killed two people now, huh? _ Rize cackled. Kaneki ignored her, digging around in Jason’s pockets for anything useful. He came up with a cellphone, a key ring and a pocket knife, all things he deemed useful enough to keep. Kaneki rose to his shaky legs, knees trembling, opening the pocket knife and holding it in front of him. He stumbled to the side a bit before gaining his balance and beginning a limp towards the exit. Rize followed behind him, keeping close enough to breathe down his neck. 

Kaneki made it to his cell, not wanting to look inside. He knew what was there. 

But he knew that he had to look. 

The messy head of blond hair was still there. Kaneki choked out a sob-like noise, falling to the ground again. He could feel the adrenaline fading away, pain and grief taking its spot. 

“Hide,” Kaneki choked out. He felt Rize’s hand curling around his shoulder and squeezing.

_ Look at him, _ she prompted, her invisible touch pushing Kaneki forwards. Kaneki shook his head, unable to stand the thought. Rize’s grip became borderline painful. 

_ Kaneki,  _ look  _ at him,  _ she growled. Kaneki did as she told and felt his breath escape his lungs. 

“There’s no way,” Kaneki gasped, sudden hope overtaking him.

The head wasn’t Hide.

Jason must have dyed the hair, because now that Kaneki could look past it, the head was definitely not Hide’s. 

Which meant that Hide was alive, probably looking for Kaneki. 

_ Now get out of here while you can, dipshit _ , Rize snapped him out of his trance. Kaneki continued his limp, trusting muscle memory to lead him out of the warehouse. 

Turns out that muscle memory wasn’t very trustworthy, because Kaneki ended up at a dead end. As he was about to turn around and try again, he heard a faint whimper from inside one of the doors. 

Kaneki remembered what it was that Jason did here. How many people he’d probably killed. 

He couldn’t let any more people die.

_ Don’t try to be a hero, _ Rize sighed.  _ This is just wasting time. _ Kaneki ignored her, per usual, and started trying the different keys in the door. 

The fifth key worked, and Kaneki timidly pushed the door open. People scurried to the opposite end of the room, audible cries and sobs flaring up.

“N-No, please, I’m here to help,” Kaneki said softly, holding up his hands in a peaceful gesture. “I’m trying to help you escape.” 

“How do we know?” One of the victims spoke up. Kaneki froze.

“I don’t know how to make you believe me, but I’m–I’m going to get out of here. And once I’m out, I’ll call the cops, but I can’t tell how far out we are, so I can’t promise you’ll live till then,” Kaneki told them. There was still unease, but a few people stepped forwards timidly. 

“Okay, I’m leaving. If you’re coming with me then stay quiet,” Kaneki said, turning around and beginning to leave. He didn’t look to see how many people followed. 

“Hey, mister,” one of them called. Kaneki turned with a raised eyebrow. “Two things. One, you’re, uh, bleeding quite a bit, and I just wanted to make sure you were okay. And two, the exit’s down the other hall.”

“How do you know?” Kaneki asked, wariness automatically growing. The stranger itched the back of his head. 

“When they were bringing me in, I was awake. I don’t know if they noticed or not, but I remember the exit being that way,” he explained. Kaneki tried to weigh his options; he could trust the stranger and let them lead, but that could risk it being a trap. Or, he could follow his own instinct and get lost. 

“...Okay,” Kaneki said finally. “Lead the way.”

 

It took them around half an hour to find the way out. There weren’t many people in the building; there were only two incidents in which Kaneki was able to maneuver his group to a different path. 

Now, standing outside in the middle of nowhere, the situation finally hit Kaneki. He laughed, quietly at first, escalating to a loud cackle. 

“Uh, are you–” one of the strangers asked. Kaneki waved her off, gasping in pain as his wounds started to throb. 

“I need to find reception. We should walk away from here a bit while I call, just in case,” Kaneki decided, still smiling. The strangers around him were misinterpreting his smile of insanity for a smile of relief, and happily followed his word.

The phone found reception fairly quickly, much to Kaneki’s relief. 

“Arima? Yes, it’s Kaneki,” he said into the phone quietly. 

“Are you alright? We’re tracing your location, squad cars will be out in a matter of minutes,” Arima reassured. He could hear clatter in the background, Ui giving out orders. 

“I’m fine. I need you to get Hide,” Kaneki ordered. “I also have other victims with me. We all got out with… minor injuries.”

“How did you get out? Where’s Jason?” Arima questioned. Kaneki hesitated, unsure of what to say.

“What would you do if I told you that he was dead?” Kaneki mumbled. Arima’s response was firm and cold.

“I wouldn’t ask questions and file it as an accident,” he replied. Kaneki felt the tension leave his body at once.

“Good. Now, have you contacted Hide? Is he okay?” Kaneki asked. 

Arima said a few words to somebody. “Yes. He’s on his way to the station.”

Kaneki let out a shaky breath, feeling his legs start to wobble. Hide was okay. He was going to see Hide again. 

“Thank you,” Kaneki sighed. “Truly, Arima.”

“No, it’s you we should be thanking,” he said. Kaneki felt his heart constrict, feeling the way Jason’s blood still coated his body. They shouldn’t be thanking him. 

After about ten minutes, the distant sound of vehicles could be heard in the distance. The group of people around Kaneki began to cheer, shedding tears of joy and rushing towards the police cars pulling up. Kaneki lagged behind, hesitant, knowing that they were going to ask questions he wouldn’t be able to answer. Unfortunately, Arima spotted him right away and headed over, glasses low on his nose. 

“Hide is at the station. We can head over there now, if you’d like,” Arima told him. 

“You’re not going to question me?” Kaneki said warily, nerves making him jittery. Arima shook his head. 

“You’ve been through a lot. There’ll be time for questions later,” Arima decided. Kaneki gave a tiny, genuine smile. Arima was more human than Kaneki had thought he was. 

The car ride was mostly silent. Kaneki was fidgeting, nervous and excited to see Hide again. Arima seemed to notice his unease. 

“Everybody thinks you’re a hero, you know,” Arima said. Kaneki gave a weak shrug, glancing out the window. 

“I’m not,” he argued weakly. Arima was quiet for another moment.

“What you did in there was to survive,” he muttered. “Don’t let it ruin you.”

Kaneki didn’t say anything in return, simply swallowed down the lump in his throat as they pulled up to the station. Kaneki didn’t move as Arima stopped the car.

“I have business to attend to. You can go home with Hide, I’ll notify you when we need you,” Arima declared, his voice back to sounding cold and analyzing.

“Thank you,” Kaneki said, voice just as flat. Arima’s eyes flashed with something close to amusement. 

“Kaneki!” a voice suddenly screamed, and Kaneki’s head turned so fast his neck hurt. Hide was running towards the car, hair wild around his face, and Kaneki didn’t waste a second, getting out and half-run, half-limping to meet him halfway.

“Oh my god, oh my god are you okay, you’re covered in blood, are you hurt, oh Kaneki,” Hide was rambling, hands gently running over Kaneki’s body in search of wounds.

“Hide,” was all Kaneki could say, tears brewing in his eyes. Hide was crying, pulling Kaneki into a bear hug, ignoring the blood soaking his clothes. 

“Hide, I did–I-I–” Kaneki stammered, the words not spilling from his mouth properly. Hide shushed him, seemingly able to understand what Kaneki was panicked about. 

“Don’t worry about that, okay? Don’t worry. Let’s just go home for now, okay? We’ll worry about that later. Let’s just go home,” Hide said, his hands not leaving Kaneki. 

“Yeah,” Kaneki sighed, face buried in Hide’s neck. “Yeah. Home.”

Kaneki Ken knew he was screwed up. But when he was with Hide, he knew that he wasn’t beyond fixing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special thank u to Cheerioi!!!! ur comments r so nice bless u


End file.
